Hell's Rumblings

R.I.P. Gary Carter

2012-02-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

As a kid and teenager, my favourite baseball player was Tim Raines (still my all-time favourite), but Gary Carter was the one that got me interested in the sport itself.

Heck, when I was growing up - and even after he was traded to the New York Mets in 1984 - all of us kids in Montréal wore our caps backwards to be ''just like The Kid, as he was known, despite the fact that all catchers wore their caps backwards when behind the plate. To us, it was a way to identify with him even more than we already did, and we did a lot.

He loved the cameras, loved to smile for them, talk in front of them, pose for pictures - and all the cameras - and the people behind them - loved him back.

In a city all about hockey, he was as big a star as Guy Lafleur, the Montréal Canadiens' last star forward; he was the playoff hero in the failed 1981 NL run, one of four starting Montréal Expos at the 1982 All-Star Game (a fifth starter, Pete Rose, then of the Philadelphia Phillies, was a former Expo), the most charismatic figure in the history of the team.

I still remember when he was traded in 1984 (December 10th!) and against whom (Hubie Brooks, Floyd Youmans, Herman Winningham and the guy who replaced him behind the plate for half a decade, Mike Fitzgerald), and the World Series he won with the Mets in his second season in New York still stings.

He was treated like the living legend he was when the Expos brought him back to finish his career here in 1992, a year removed from Dennis Martinez' perfect game, two years before the kids (Delino DeShields, Marquis Grisson, Moises Alou, Larry Walker, Mel Rojas and John Wetteland) unexpectedly became the best team in the NL two years too early under the watchful eye of Felipe Alou.

When he was inducted in the Hall Of Fame in 2003, he said he'd want to be inducted as a member of both the Mets and Expos, but since Cooperstown decrees players can only represent one team, he favoured NYC because of his championship, but felt like a Montrealer despite this. The Hall decided to make him an Expo, and he was always bittersweet about it. He is now joined in the Hall by Andre Dawson, who was his enemy in the clubhouse. I hope Raines joins them soon, he is also very worthy of the Hall.

Today, Carter died from the multiple tumours in his head. Today, baseball died again in Montréal.

Truth: You Tell Me

2012-02-16T22:51:00.000-08:00

Fucking politicians. Especially those who don't just lean to but are far into the right: fucking liars when it suits them, and predators the rest of the fucking time.

And assholes all the time.

We have cameras, motherfucker, and they're hooked to shit that stores whatever they fucking record. We have hard fucking proof of how much of a hypocrite you are in front of TV news crews compared to how bad a dick you are with your friends in your majority fucking government when taunting your opponents and trying to scare the voting public. Or the elderly among them, anyway.

There are probably more child molesters in your fucking Cabinet than there are roaming the streets of Canada. Sometimes I'm glad you're building more prisons, because we'll need the place to store all of you elected officials when we decide we've had enough. And if you bring the death penalty back, well... karma's a bitch, man.

This Dog Looks Like A Cock

2012-02-15T21:40:00.000-08:00

From my friend Yan's blog. From two other peoples'. 's. 's.

Ok, fine, so the blogosphere is fucking nuts. 'Cause he looks like a pair of them.

What If... What If...

2012-02-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

The answer to most of these questions, Rage Against The Machine told us so. In 1992.

But it's good to be reminded, on Fox News no less.

The Internets Respond To Chris Brown Getting A Grammy

2012-02-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

Last year, people were upset that Arcade Fire beat Eminem and other big names (such as Justin Bieber!) for the Best Album award.

This year, the interwebs are aflame because Chris Brown won. ''How can an institution like the Grammys award a woman-beater?'', ''What message are we sending kids?'', etc.

First off, the Grammys are supposed to reward talent, and, in any given year, an outstanding achievement in music. Not social graces, not political stance, not eco-friendly. Not even ''good person''. Axl Rose (also a wife beater) has Grammys, so do Mötley Crüe, and not only are they assholes, they are also the worst example you could give to kids not just in regards to how they treat women, but also drug use.

Also, this year, the Grammys awarded the Foo Fighters a prize, yet they have recently been outed as HIV deniers.

But no one is asking the real question: ''how could a song so bad win a fucking prize?''

On the other hand, there are thousands of brainless teenagers who took to Twitter this morning to show the whole world how utterly stupid they are by saying they'd like to get the shit beat out of them by Chris Brown.

I mean: hey, I know there are a bunch of star-fuckers out there, but this shit is insane:

Some of these fucking bitches look like they're in relationships... one could be a man... a few claim to LOVE him (Happy Valentine's!)... one has said it many times... and one wishes it would happen...

I say there should be a contest with a couple of judges and Brown - his vote counts for 2 - and the winner gets punched in the face repeatedly by him, live, on stage, in front of all the others. We'll see to what extent they're actually willing to go for it when the blood starts pouring. maybe he can find a wife there, should hooking back up with Rihanna not pan out.

A Denial, A Denial, A Denial, A Denial, A Deniaaallllllllll

2012-02-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Through the handy work of their bass player Nate Mendel, who has read one too many of the wrong books, Dave Grohl's legacy as a genuine rock icon has taken a dive of late, amid reports of the band fully supporting the claims of an organization called Alive And Well, which denies a link between HIV and AIDS, says HIV cannot be transmitted through sex (and that AIDS is all about anal). They also encourage people to NOT practice safe sex.

The Foos have played benefit shows for A&W already and are saying they will play more, attracting hordes of teens and young adults when, in the U.S., 25% of HIV cases concern people aged 13-25.

Foo Fighters being Grohl's baby - with him writing most of the material - this could possibly have a huge negative impact on his credibility in other areas where he might be tempted to use his fame and recognition to advance causes.

Tim Thomas Strikes Again

2012-02-12T15:09:00.000-08:00

So you're a high-profile athlete in your sport...

And I mean high-fucking-profile: playoff MVP, two-time best-at-your-position, Olympian silver medalist. You are Tim Thomas, star goalie of the Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins.

You stack your Facebook profile page with highly political statuts updates, refuse to meet the President of the United States and... won't answer questions about it to the media?

You're dumber than I thought, and that's knowing you fully support the Tea Party assholes.

Breaking sports news video. MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL highlights and more.

R.I.P. Whitney Houston

2012-02-11T19:54:00.000-08:00

Black History Month is being tough on the American music community. First Don Cornelius, now Whitney Houston... Prince, Hammer and Will Smith had better keep a low profile.

There's a fitting tribute on HelloGiggles.

See her last performance here.

Facebook Parenting For The Troubled Teen

2012-02-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

He may have gone a tad too far, but it's damn funny.

And I'm sure he'll end up buying her a new laptop eventually.

Role Reversals

2012-02-10T23:09:00.000-08:00

It's been done before, but once in a while I like to see someone's vision of the guy/girl thing as they reverse the stereotypes to show how stupid (or absurd) some actions/pick-up lines are.

Oh, No, Canada! (Part Deux!)

2012-02-10T06:43:00.000-08:00

So two weeks have passed since Bill C-11 was the hot debate and, well... Stephen Harper's Conservatives want to control the internet even more: by threatening to cut off anyone for no good reason, and by restricting access to some websites - even those one might be the owner of.

More and more, it looks like the Ideal World for those fuckers would be one in which companies are completely deregulated and people - humans - are enslaved to both companies and the government, with laws restricting everything from the food we eat, the way we think, the shit we're allowed to do in our own homes, the stuff we read, the entertainment we watch.

6 fucking months into power and they have turned this once-proud, once-a-world-example-of-freedom into the worst police state George Orwell couldn't even have thought about imagining.

Sign it, please.

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Video Of The Week: The Cramps

2012-02-10T06:35:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting on this one for 10 days or so, changing the featured song - not the band, though - twice a day.

It's been three years since the passing of The Cramps' lead singer Lux Interior, and the void for a charismatic rebellious frontman of an important band has yet to be filled by a nubile rocker.

To neophytes, it's easy to dismiss the band as little more than ''Elvis-rockabilly-with-a-punk-twist'', but they are in fact so much more than that: they capture Americana at its finest, with lyrics about stock cars, drag races, and bountiful women (ranging from the femme fatale to the pure evil), but also the excesses of drugs and partying - all delivered with a larger-than-life persona mixing the New York City night life, drag queen culture and a healthy dose of underground decadence.

I decided to go with Ultra Twist as my featured song because the video adds an S&M twist to their already sexed-up image, what with everyone in the band dressed in black leather (or vinyl), including guitarist Poison Ivy. And black and white boobs on the screen in the background helps, too.

Project Unbreakable

2012-02-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

Follow the whole project here.

Picking Dicks Made Easy

2012-02-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

One sausage led to another and, well...

Love me some news bloopers!

So I've Always Liked Strong Women To Match My Own Character

2012-02-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

As a kid, I watched a lot of TV: G.I. Joe, Transformers, He-Man, Thundercats, M.A.S.K., Go-Bots (a cheap Transformers knock-off), Spider-Man And His Amazing Friends, Goldorak, Astro Boy, Albator, Mazinger Z (the poor man's Goldorak), Voltron... lots of guys with big muscles and cars that turned into shit, and things that turned into giant communist (all the heroes in the same character) robots. And an anarchist pirate.

And, for a short while... She-Ra. I'd add ''in my defense, I was only watching it in case He-Man made one of his many cameos'', but even I'm not sure if that would make me admit I'm more or less manly. But the truth hurts, that idiom stays real.

In any event, I always like when pop culture catches up to She-Ra, proving I wasn't the only one who liked watching re-hashed stories involving He-Man's cuter little cousin - with smaller boobs.

As a matter of fact, someone on HelloGiggles - Zooey Deschanel's own blogosphere that she shares with her friends - made a list of 5 things they learned from She-Ra...

R.I.P. Don Cornelius

2012-02-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

February starts off on a sad note, s the creator of TV's Soul Train, Don Cornelius, shot himself to death this morning.

He was 75.

Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Whatcha Gonna Do?

2012-01-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

Again, I feel I need to specify: I respect (good) cops, come from a family full of them. Two families, in fact, on both my mom's and my dad's sides.

And that is exactly why when one of them commits a heinous fucking crime, it needs to be told to the public and why I once put forth the proposition that policemen should receive double the sentence of a civilian when they commit crimes, once for the crime itself and once more for disrespecting the uniform and corroding the public's confidence in its institutions. Same goes for politicians, although we'd need to build a shitload more new prisons to keep those fat cats locked up.

This story will shock you throughout your fucking soul: a woman called 911 after having one of her windows smashed by a brick, and the cop who came raped her. Key moment:

She now stood on a floor littered with broken glass and pointed to the brick. The cop she had summoned to protect her instead chose this moment to grab the back of her head by her hair and sodomize her. Then he raped her.

Sounds like a scene from Straw Dogs. But with a dirty cop named Ladmarald Cates instead of a dude from True Blood. He was found guilty and could face up to Life in prison. Good start; let the inmates take it from there.

Oh, No, Canada!

2012-01-28T13:01:00.000-08:00

Stephen Harper's Conservatives, in a mere 6 months since actually taking power, has already changed the face of Canadian politics - and it's only getting worse: Bill C-11 formerly Bill-32 - makes the American SOPA bill look tame in comparison.

Dear They compiled this short list of just some of its provisions:

Like your PVR? You can’t keep it under C-11.

Like ripping CDs to your iPod? Say bye-bye.

Hey, do you want to be able to unlock your $500 smartphone and take it to a provider less dedicated to violating your wallet? That won’t be allowed either.

Did you get accused of internet piracy but no evidence has been presented and a trial date hasn’t even been set? Under C-11 your ISP will now be forced to terminate your internet access.

Yeah. And lazy Canadian bastards, too busy watching the NHL All Star Game, or too cold to go outside and demonstrate or riot will politely just bend over and turn the other cheek. We will let this asshole completely change our way of life in just a couple of years, turning our ''socialist Hell'' into a police state governed by lawless companies while humans have no rights whatsoever... ah the beauty of ''the free market''!

There are less than two weeks left to make our voices heard. Click here and save yourselves:
http://www.ccer.ca/canadian-copyright-reform/canadian-copyright-reform-back-with-vengeance/

Video Of The Week: Oran ''Juice'' Jones

2012-01-25T06:14:00.000-08:00

There are countless songs about infidelity in love - I'm in the process of writing one myself, called Fuck Doll - and most of them reek of cheese, but none more than Oran ''Juice'' Jones' The Rain, in which the protagonist actually confronts his partner after having followed her during the day, and promptly exacts revenge by cancelling her credit cards and kicking her to the curb.

The video is typical '80s, with the soft colours, vaseline-tinted lense, terrible fashion sense and keyboard-infested soft pop music, and I totally understand how Jones, a serious artist, would have failed to understand that what made this particular track and video stand out was its cheesiness, not its quality. It's a ''magic'' that is hard to recreate.

When his follow-ups (1987's Gangsters Takin' Over and 1989's To Be Immortal) didn't quite meet anyone's expectations, he half-retired from music to take care of his terminally ill mother and raise his kids... until his failed comeback album Player's Call in 1997.

Both of his kids are trying to make it in the business, while Daddy Jones himself is getting back in the game, scoring for film and TV commercials.

My favourite part of the song is when he confronts her:

Did you miss me
You did? Yeah? I missed you too
I missed you so much I followed you today
That's right now close your mouth
'Cause you cold busted
Now just sit down here, sit down here
I'm so upset with you I don't know what to do
You know my first impulse was to run up on you
And do a Rambo
I was about to jam you and flat blast both of you
But I didn't wanna mess up
this thirt-seven hundred dollar lynx coat
So instead I chilled -- That's right chilled
I called up the bank and took out every dime.
Than I cancelled all your credit cards...
I stuck you up for every piece of jewelery
I ever bought you!
Don't go lookin' in that closet
'cause everything you came here with
is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room.
What were you thinking?
You don't mess with the Juice!

Indeed.

Man Stats

2012-01-25T05:57:00.000-08:00

These stats are from the U.K., so I take them with a grain of salt, seeing as that's likely the only ''spice'' they have available.

But a few of those even apply to me.

1/3 of men have never had a romantic breakfast with their girlfriend
One fifth of men have had a steamy Skype session
70% of men have watched porn online.
27% of men would sleep with someone 'repulsive' for £1m
96% of men wouldn't send flowers to their partner's work
18% of men go on a diet because of a new partner
Men think a loose bun is the best hairstyle for a first date
11% of men admit to flirting at work
Men spend an average of £235 a year on looking good
42% of men say they're single because they are shy
57% of men would prefer a month without sex than a month without their mobile
28% of men don't know girls pluck their chin hairs
27% of men would date a married woman
50% of holiday romances last less than a week
33% of men say they feel depressed on 'fat days'
1/4 men wee in the shower
79% of men think it's most likely they'll meet their next girlfriend at work
16% of men have pretended a ready meal was something they'd cooked to impress a date
15% of men have left an extra-large tip because they fancied the waitress
9% of men don't know the main ingredient of cheese
10% of men are terrified of spiders
10% of men say they're less attracted to women who can't cook
Only 35% of men wear clean pants everyday!
10% of men have a teddy bear that they hide when a girl stays over
62% of men are baffled by flat pack furniture
22% of men have a bank account they don't tell their partner about
Men are prepared to spend an average of £55.47 on a first date
Larger men last longer in bed than skinny men
7% of men have used their partner's toothbrush

I dare you to guess which one(s).

Heidi Klum And Seal Divorce

2012-01-25T05:35:00.000-08:00

Temper, temper.

Before it becomes old news, I should tell you I was not to blame for Heidi Klum divorcing Seal. Unlike the Demi Moore and Halle Berry marriages, where I was the main reason.

Love that hair! And the dress, of course!

The Tim Thomas Incident

2012-01-24T13:11:00.000-08:00

You've probably heard by now about Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas, who refused to participate in his team's visit to the White House ''for political reasons'', defending his ideas/ideals which seem pretty damn close to Tea Party ideas.

Hockey is a sport built on tradition, and Thomas is as much an athlete as he is a student of the game; he respects the tradition that stipulates opponents trade handshakes after a playoff series. Tradition also calls for an American team winning the Stanley Cup to be invited to the White House - and to accept the invitation.

His only explanation came via ~~Twitter~~ Facebook, of all fucking places:

I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People. This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government. Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House.

This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.

This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT

Jesus Christ. I hope he's not afraid of heights, because his fucking pedestal is as high as they come.

Michael Grange from Sportsnet had this to say:

To me the real problem is that Thomas couldn't rise above his beliefs and not only support his team but support the tradition of public discourse and debate which is the only logical way out of whatever issues are ailing the United States and how many other democracies these days.

There's no objection to his views here, but there is an objection to the notion that you can't show respect to the individual democratically elected to serve your fellow citizens, even if it's to vigourously agree to disagree.

The Bruins shook hands with the Canucks, after all.

Sure they scrapped like brothers the next time they met. All the old wounds remained raw.
But they honoured the spirit of the game. Tim Thomas should have too.

Even Barack Obama spoke - highly! - of Thomas, as can be attested in this article from ESPN's Joe McDonald:

During his speech, President Obama spoke glowingly about Thomas and his performance during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

"This Stanley Cup was won by defense as much as by offense," Obama said. "Tim Thomas posted two shutouts in the Stanley Cup finals and set an all-time record for saves in the postseason, and he also earned the honor being only the second American ever to be recognized as the Stanley Cup playoffs MVP."

Thomas' absence was uncalled for. The president has more important things to worry about with Tuesday's State of the Union address.

But it's going to be interesting to see what this does to the State of the Bruins.

Team spirit can, indeed, take a monstruous fall. But Thomas is a hero in Boston; they're calling him possibly the team's best ever. He's a God in the city, and a heck of a warrior for his team. I, for one, think if one person could survive such an un-team-like act, it would be him, the team's most unselfish character.

Thomas' harshest critic, however, is from The Boston Globe's Kevin Paul Dupont:

Shabby. Immature. Unprofessional. Self-centered. Bush league. Need I go on? All that and more applies to what Thomas did, on a day when Cup teammates Mark Recchi (now retired), Shane Hnidy (a radio guy these days in Winnipeg), and Tomas Kaberle (a member of some Original Six team in Canada), all gladly joined the red-white-blue-black-and-gold hugfest at the White House.

Thomas needed to be there in solidarity, and celebration, with his team. It was the same government yesterday, and will be today, that protected his country, his security, his family, and his right to make $5 million a year, all last season. In his absence, he stole his teammates’ spotlight. Win as a team. Lose as a team. And when asked to stand up and take a bow, then stand up there and suffer if need be, even if you don’t like the setting, the host, or any of the political trappings and tenets that come with it.

And he went on to add even stronger words:

If Thomas is feeling the way he is today, it could not have happened overnight. He must have felt much the same just shy of 24 months ago when he sounded so proud to wear that Team USA sweater at the 2010 Olympics, and so proudly dipped his head to accept that silver medal. Or was he doing all of that under governmental duress, the pain of knowing our leaders were acting, as he wrote yesterday, “in direct opposition of the Constitution and the Founding Fathers’ vision of the Federal government.’’

Someone so disgusted with our government ought to turn in the sweater and the medal. It must be a horrible burden, if not a pox, to have them in his house.

That's the stuff!

Billion Dollar Baby

2012-01-20T14:09:00.000-08:00

While I'm not partial to Paris Hilton's looks nor ''talents'', you've got to give it to her for moneying her assets into always more and more public exposure. And money, considering she's now officially a billionaire. (Yes, you read that right.)

This time, she's on the cover of FHM magazine. Here, she's pictured spray-painting... something? The whole thing makes no sense whatsoever...

But the pièce de résistance is clearly these four facts ''learned'' from her interview:

FYI 1: Recently Paris found a stray dog on a beach in Bali. It looked hungry and made her sad, so she spent £50 on a filet mignon steak for it.
FYI 2: Paris was robbed five times by Hollywood gang The Bling Ring. It wasn't until the fifth time when she lost $2 million in jewellery that she reported the robberies.
FYI 3: Paris went to the same school as Kim Kardashian, Chandler from friends and the guys who wrote the theme song from The O.C. (''Phantom Planet'')
FYI 4: Paris used to date a guy called Paris.

Snowy Monday In Montréal

2012-01-19T04:51:00.000-08:00

It looks amazing but it feels like Hell, I tell ya! It's a video my friend Jamie Klinger shared - I'm just sharing it back.

A Monday Morning in Montréal from CloudRaker on Vimeo.

And it shows you the beginning of the storm, how it's funny/difficult to walk in it, and they hint at the fact that the City doesn't fucking pick it up, but imagine all that fucking snow, falling all day long, and the 4 feet of it that's accumulated after your long day of work, and you having to go back home through waist-high unwalkable freezing fluff - or moist, dirty slush if it's melted a bit.

There is nothing human about living in these conditions 6 months a year. There's a reason settlers went all the way to California. Heck, even British Columbia.

If It Pains Penner...

2012-01-18T11:55:00.000-08:00

Remember Dustin Penner, the Los Angeles Kings player who injured his back while eating pancakes?

Fans are already starting to tease him about it, as can be attested by this photo:

Let the food times roll!

Videos Of The Week: Gotye (Feat. Kimbra) and Walk Off The Earth

2012-01-17T13:59:00.000-08:00

Here it is, the soundtrack of the last month for me, Gotye's Somebody That I Used To Know. Goddamn, what I good fucking song, full of emotion, truth and sorrow.

Gotye is a Belgian-Australian songwriter born Wouter ''Wally'' De Backer and has won multiple awards for this song in 2011.

The song caught even more steam in North America of late through Walk Off The Earth's cover of the song, in a just-as-subtle-yet-just-as-great video featuring 5 musicians playing on the same guitar. For a rare time, I also include the cover, as co-Video Of The Week.

Sarah Blackwood's voice is one for the ages.

Chicks To Blame

2012-01-16T13:57:00.000-08:00

Remember that boat that crashed in Italy late last week?

Turns out supermodel Eva Herzigova is to blame. She was the one who christened the boat in 2006 - f.y.i: you christen a boat by throwing a champagne bottle at it, because the bigger the piece of machinery, the bigger its thirst for alcoholic beverages. That's why I throw a beer at small-to-mid-range cars and wine bottles at cars worth over $100,000.

In any event, Eva (pictured below hesitating between another glass of bubbly and a fifth orgasm provided by yours truly - she got both) isn't as strong as she looks, because the bottle didn't break, which is considered bad luck. Which apparently takes 6 years to materialize. Because the sea prefers having broken glass in it than people diving to retrieve a bottle of booze.

Poor Eva is distraught. She hopes she didn't cause the death of 6 or more people. To make her feel better here are more pictures of her bad self.

Fucking Crazy

2012-01-16T11:42:00.000-08:00

Tokyo Drift? Nah... Tank Truck Drift!

Titanic 2012

2012-01-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

A luxury cruise ship with 4200 people on board crashed on an Italian shore. More than 70 people are missing, 3 are dead - and no one knows what the fuck happened.

In this day and age, 100 years after the actual Titanic crashed.

The Erica Situation

2012-01-13T23:45:00.000-08:00

(pictures were removed because they don't add anything to the story)

While I sort of alluded to her here before in The Jenn Fiasco, Erica was a beast all her own.

If you would ask her about the idiom that claims all men to be ''dicks'', not only would she agree, but she would seriously wonder what is wrong with that and would claim ''the more the merrier''. But first things first...

The Hollywood-esque Hook-Up:

Riding the subway on the way home after school in September 1994, I spot this really cute, tiny, red-haired, thick-lipped strawberry-nosed girl who looks younger than me - and she's eyeing me too. For two stations we look into another's eyes, smile, then people come in and out, she's so small I lose track of her.

At Vendôme, where I get out, I check to see if I can spot her - in vain. No sign of her whatsoever.

I get on the bus, a bit sad but knowing that - as always - I'll have forgotten it in a few hours' time. I'm sitting down, first seat next to the back door, listening to my Discman, reading the lyrics to the Beastie Boys' Check Your Head while they bang in my earphones, when I look up and see her standing right in front of me. Despite our clear flirtation earlier, having her so close in front of me when I thought I'd lost her made me nervous, and I looked away, always trying to steal a glance here and there until it's my turn to get off, hoping she doesn't do it first.

The street I lived on, Melrose, is between two stops (Wilson and Draper, respectively), and seeing as she's not getting off at the first, I wait until the latter to exit. As soon as I hit the sidewalk, I stare right back into the bus at her, see she's looking at me, and wave at her to follow me out. She makes this puzzled look but I repeat the gesture, and as the bus trails away, start making a run to the following stop - Madison. She exits at Madison and walks towards me until we're face-to-face, silent, shy, awkward but also excited, nervous, feeling a weird adrenaline rush that only hard drugs such as pure lust can provoke.

I suggest we sit on a park bench and talk - and we sit there for over an hour. at one point she asks me what I'm doing that night, and I reply with a confident ''NOTHING!, You?'' and she tells me about this after-school economics seminar she's got to go to - at which point I remember I'm going to the same one: ''Me too! I totally forgot! At Marymount Academy on Côte-St-Luc!''

Oddly enough, we were in the same grade at different schools, she was 3 years older than I was but had been held back because the education she had received in her native Portugal wasn't found to be equivalent to our system's, and we were both enrolled in the same after-school economics/entrepreneurship program. It was going to be great: I could continue hitting on her there - all night.

It turns out we were in separate groups, but at break time we'd always get together. Within the end of the month we were dating, meeting each other's friends, maybe even parents. I saw hers a lot despite having never seen another room in her house than the living room. Her mom loved me, her dad always gave me a look that said ''when I kill you, I will shit in your mouth then feed you to starving pitbulls''. Oddly enough, back in the day, those were typical parental reactions to my presence...

By Christmas, we had already each purchased tickets to one another's Graduations. In January she got pregnant, got aborted on Valentine's Day and by March I learned that she had, on average, cheated on me more than once a day. Close to 3, actually. Usually with her ex, Enrik, a fellow Midget-AAA hockey player also drafted by the Laval Titans - but also with guys who gave her rides home from school in exchange for blowjobs, cab drivers who would take her anywhere at any time for the same deal, as well as one fucktard she kind of actually started dating at the same time. They met after fucking in the bathroom at the old Madhatter's, when it was on Peel street. He had a stupid-ass last-name-as-first-name thing going on, something like Anderson, but maybe not; straight hair to his chin, wore wife-beaters... a real fucking douchebag. If he's still alive today, I'm sure his skin's fucking orange, he lives in Jersey and drives a red sports car.

Worse of the matter is she'd give me signs, too, almost all the time, but she was telling those stories as if they were happening to her best friend, who I'd met and had introduced herself as ''yeah, I'm Claudine, the slut from all her stories''. Needless to say, though, that when I learned the truth, I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. And I never spoke to her ever again, but she did write me from most major destinations when she went on a European vacation during the summer, a Tour Of Cocks, if you will, where she would either send me pictures of her with other guys, or just postcards with messages like ''I just got acquainted with a boatload of sailors here in Vienna, and I'm particularly fond of Austrian sausages now''.

I remember when I found out about her infidelities, and we had a long conversation about the ethics of a relationship and how humans, after all, are still fucking animals. She said: ''so what if on my way to school or work, I see someone I want to fuck and we stop and do it and continue on our merry way?'', and it was the very first time I'd heard a woman talk like the most macho man.

Plus, for some reason, I imagine with those guys it was a lot less clinical than with me, where most times we'd be spooning on a couch watching TV and she'd just lift her leg up, grab my dick in my pants and shove it inside her dry cunt, irritating the both of us until she would manage to produce juices. All of this in the quietest of silences. I was nothing more than the 10-inch dildo waiting at home for the nightly fill.

Monsters In Uniform

2012-01-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

Having not learned from the Abu-Ghraib scandal, American fucking Marines (of all fucking Armed Forces corps) were ''caught on tape'' urinating on the corpses of alleged Taliban fighters.

They seem to have been filmed by a fellow serviceman and have been identified as an elite sniper team from the 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marines out of Camp Lejeune in North Carolina.

Desecrating the corpses of people you have just killed and will be de facto forever considered terrorists even if in reality they might not have been - if foreign/invading forces had been in your country for over a decade, isn't there at least the slightest possibility you'd be pissed off and would want them out of there by almost any means necessary? - is a useless, disgusting action that is condemned by the Geneva Convention. Not that Americans, of late, have respected anything in it when it comes to the War On Terror.

But I digress...

When it comes to videos of people urinating (yeah, I'm aware that didn't seem quite legit when I wrote it), I strongly prefer this one, by the way.

Classy And Knowledgeable Hockey Fans

2012-01-12T08:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think Montréal hockey fans are fucking awful, especially when they boo former players or the other team's star players...

But at times, they still blow my mind with their generosity and faithfulness. I recall a game against the Anaheim Ducks when the crowd cheered former captain Saku Koivu on. And last Tuesday, upon Jaroslav Halak's return to the city that still views him as the last playoff hero it's had, he was given a chilling standing ovation after shutting out the home team 3-0:

Athlete's Back

2012-01-09T10:46:00.000-08:00

Dustin Penner, a disappointing power forward for the NHL's Los Angeles Kings, has injured his back while eating pancakes.

Those fat/out of shape jokes aren't going away anytime soon.

For the record, I'd take a chance of Penner on my team... at half his current $4.2M salary.

Video Of The Week: Vanessa

2012-01-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

Olivia Newton-John's huge 1981 hit with Physical spawned a shitload of imitators, but none more ridiculous than Vanessa - real name Cornelia Jacoba (Connie) Breukhoven - whose 1982 video for Upside Down takes place in a gym. Sponsored by World Gym. Filled with beefy men lifting weights.

The Dutch singer is still active today, having just released her 5th album in 2010, named Just Conny since she now performs under the moniker Conny. She hasn't released a single since 1995's Lidia, though. Confused? Good. Because that's the only correct way to watch/listen to this video:

Canadian Splendo(u)r

2012-01-06T13:04:00.000-08:00

My friend Yan is a musician, smart, cool guy and an idealist.

He writes about comics on his comics blog, but also offers onlookers a ''daily recap'' into his life. Kind of like following Harvey Pekar, daily, without the images.

Is That A Dildo?

2012-01-05T06:01:00.000-08:00

As Lars Eller scored the third of his four goals last night, the ice was littered with the traditional hats and caps to celebrate his hat trick...

But other items were also thrown onto the ice...

Keep an eye on the red thing...

Then again, that's nothing compared to the Swedish Dildo Shower of 2008...

Video Of The Week: Rick Ross

2012-01-02T09:09:00.000-08:00

While my cousins, aunts and relatives spent the Holidays putting LMFAO's I'm Sexy And I Know It on repeat everywhere they went, I went back to the original of the mid-song break, Rick Ross' Hustlin', a banging track that keeps it gangsta.

And I just love his accent when he says things like ''the boss'' (''tha bawss'').

In case you're wondering, that's not his real name, it's the name of a convicted drug lord who unsuccessfully tried to sue the rapper for 'stealing his name'.

Plug: Getting Over The New Year Hangover

2012-01-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

If you're in town for the day (well, the night, mostly!), you should definitely stop by Casa Del Popolo (4873 St-Laurent, right below St-Joseph - my favourite venue in the city) for the world premiere of my new band, S*H*A*L*L (yes, it stands for Stuart-Hell-Austin-Lento-Lines, our first choice was to call ourselves Godfeed You! Fat Senator?, but my friend Mauro from the actual Godspeed veto'ed it).

S*H*A*L*L is 5 of Montréal's best singer-songwriters, all former members of the Velvet Underground cover band Loaded, each singing 2 of their songs, swapping instruments and backing the others for the rest. Except me: I get 3 songs.

We're opening for the Caroline Glass Band - also a Loaded alumni! - and it's a measly 5 bucks, which also includes a sample of Miracle Fruit, should you be so inclined.

Bring your friends!

Facebook event link here.

New Year's Day

2012-01-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

All is quiet on New Year's Day
The streets are empty
Even the snow's melting away
A new calendar won't erase old pains

But ring out the champagne
It's cause to celebrate
It's now or never
No reason to explain

Chew Through Pain

2011-12-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

Apparently, getting a tattoo removed is so painful you need a mouthguard to chew on to deter from the pain. Well, Megan Fox does, anyway.

Then again, I suspect she also has to find a way to numb the pain of being married to Beverly Hills, 90210 alumni and ''DJ'' Brian Austin Green...

Bale Bat No More

2011-12-30T08:05:00.000-08:00

News from late November: Christian Bale will no longer try to make us believe he can be convincing as a superhero, as he will don the Bat-cape for the last time in next summer's The Dark Knight Rises.

Don't get me wrong: the first two Bale-Christopher Nolan batflicks were very good, well written, well directed, decently acted, superbly filmed. But there is no way in fucking hell Bale, as Bruce Wayne, was credible as the world's best-looking billionaire playboy (Brad Pitt would probably have been a much better choice), and growling like an out-of-breath pedophile while crouching does not a scary avenger make.

Just sayin'.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun And Fight

2011-12-30T07:52:00.000-08:00

From one embarrassing football moment to another...

As the Lingerie Football League (oh yes, what started as a Super Bowl promo stunt has actually turned into a cash cow...) Philadelphia Passion (urgh) beat the Toronto Triumph (yes, like the Insult Comic Dog...) 74-0 playing by the rules, they also beat them outside the rules. Physically. As in: ''fight''.

Girls fighting in lingerie... and helmets. Lose the helmets, throw in a few pillows perhaps?

Sideline Peeing

2011-12-30T07:43:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting on this for almost a month, a bit 'cause I've been busy, a bit 'cause I've been sick/injured, but mostly because shit came up and it got lost in the shuffle.

But the important thing is I'm finally talking about Nick Novak of the NFL's San Diego Chargers' sideline urination. And letting you watch, because you're perverts. Then again, there's no privacy in a 60,000-capacity stadium filled with TV cameras.

Video Of The Week: Soul Asylum

2011-12-26T09:24:00.000-08:00

In the late-80s and early 90s (until 1993), one band was hailed as the best live band in America: Soul Asylum.

Their breakthrough album, Grave Dancers Union, spawned such hits as Runaway Train and Black Gold, but I've always favoured Somebody To Shove as its breakthrough track, because it rocks, sure, but also because the beginning-and-ending riff is just so memorable.

I'm also a sucker for shivering-like-a-heroin-addict lead singers - until 1993. When Alanis Morrissette got in on the trend, she killed it.

Dr. Seb's Tips For The Sexually Inclined

2011-12-26T09:15:00.000-08:00

The thing with open relationships is both sides absolutely have to know what they're getting into - and be fine with it - because things will inevitably turn sour if they don't.

For starters, in a heterosexual relationship, the female will almost invariably end up being the one with the most opportunities to get laid; the guy has to be ready to not be able to go one-for-one on all fuckinghoodness. Any feelings of jealousy will fuck your shit up beyond repair.

Also, a trap many fall into - including one couple I follow through the internets - is that each spouse came up with a girlfriend or boyfriend of their own, thus each falling into another 'actual' relationship. This spells DANGER on so many fucking levels, because through time, feelings will emerge and the possibility of having deeper feelings for the newest person in your life instead of your life-long partner exists... and Murphy's Law will do its best to insert itself in your love triangle, one way or another. Hearts will break, whether they be in your preceding couple or the newer one. With 4 humans involved, one, two or three will end up dissatisfied - it's inevitable.

Not all humans can separate sex and emotions. For every couple that has stuck to its animalistic roots, a hundred have evolved into sedentary, building-a-home territory.

Video Of The Week: Obie Trice

2011-12-21T01:48:00.000-08:00

Sure, Hip Hop as a medium, an art form, evolves almost daily - and this song dates back from 2003, lifetimes ago. But this Eminem protégé's biggest hit won't get out of my head - and it's been over a week. It's got to say something about Obie Trice's endearing humour...

But as he so eloquently puts it himself... ''ya gotta have teeth, baby... it just wouldn't look right... me, big lips, you no teeth... it wouldn't work''.

Lil' Kim Jong-Il

2011-12-20T21:11:00.000-08:00

Because people are stupid. Because Google is too hard to use before tweeting.

In case you don't know what I'm referring to: thousands of fucking tweeters wrote R.I.P. Lil' Kim messages when North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il died.

My faith in mankind has now officially run out.

Cocaine Babies (Revisited)

2011-12-20T15:29:00.000-08:00

It was already a fact that most currency (dollar bills, not so much small change) contains trace amounts of cocaine. Many studies confirm it, many times over.

Now, we learn that British public baby changing tables are also full of them, whether they be in malls, restaurants, hospitals, churches, even... police stations.

Ah, yes. Either the ''so close they won't see it'' theory, or the ''they're all corrupt'' point of view. Still, it sure takes a fucking cokehead to use a babies' changing table instead of the side of a sink, or a hooker's tits.

Best comment so far?

I cut off the middleman and snort it directly on the baby.

(In)coherent Thoughts

2011-12-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

I don't make mistakes, I make bad decisions.

I can't live on regretting the past, dwelling on it... life is a line that's always moving forward. Whether you like it or not, want to or not, are on it or not. Its escalator never breaks down, though you might.

Actually, you likely will. People do, they break, they crack; sometimes they don't see the next day come to pass.

As a species, we've been on the planet for thousands of years. As individuals, it is unrealistic to even entertain the thought that the 30-100 years we'll be on the planet will affect anyone but our measely little selves. Think about it: every loss, every death, every heartbreak: all gotten over, over time - and days, weeks or years can go by without the mere thought of them entering your mind.

Sure, we should all enjoy our lives as much as we can. Just because it/we don't mean anything in the Grand Scheme of things doesn't mean we should suffer throughout our existence. But as long as we will feel the need to get close to other humans, pain will be felt.

But pain leads to drinking, and drinking leads to new acquaintances. Circle of Life, and all, and all's well that ends well. When it ends. Well...

R.I.P. Vaclav Havel

2011-12-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

Vaclav Havel was a poet, playwright, writer and cultural leader in Czechoslovakia; eventually, as a respected and known dissident, he became a political figure as the regime changed. He was the tenth and last President of Czecholslovakia, during which time Slovakia seceded from the Czech Republic - a move he thoroughly opposed - and became, de facto, the first President of the Czech Republic.

He is vastly considered the leader of the Velvet Revolution, which turned Czechoslovakia from a U.S.S.R.-led-and-owned one-party Stalinist state to a multi-party democracy without the use of physical or military violence.

He died today, at age 75, in his sleep. His health had been an issue since the days where he had been imprisoned by the Communist Party for his writings and ideas, which spoke of a Czech identity, freedom and liberty, and the right to independence.

Video Of The Week: Atari Teenage Riot

2011-12-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

Atari Teenage Riot is one of the most important musical acts out there. Not only are they involved politically - in the case of this video, supporting Wikileaks and actually raising money for the site - but I once left my apartment at 6AM with their Burn Berlin Burn CD on repeat to annoy my downstairs neighbour who'd be incredibly loud until ungodly hours... and when I got back home, he was moving out.

A Christmas Miracle, if you will.

The Case For Medical Marijuana

2011-12-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't gone through the whole thing yet, but The Montréal Gazette is offering a 17-part/story look on the good, the bad, and the hidden about medical marijuana.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Every Size Fits All

2011-12-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

Slowly but surely, ''normalty'' is making its way into the fashion world and women's magazines.

Reminds me of the Lizzie Miller story...

The Best Radio Interview Ever?

2011-12-07T15:31:00.000-08:00

I'll make it simple. Quoted from Yahoo! Sports:

In Monday's What We Learned, Ryan Lambert ripped apart a column by John Steigerwald, columnist for Washington (Pa.) Observer-Reporter that attempted to link Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals to steroids. Among the lapses in fact: Steigerwald connected Ovechkin to a doctor that "treated Tiger Woods" that actually has no connection to Ovechkin.

Listen to it here.

This Is Either The Beginning Or The End Of A Beautiful Story

2011-12-06T05:07:00.000-08:00

What do 11 years get you?

Probably more good times than you can count on one hand. Hopefully.

But also, inevitably, disappointment. Lies, deceit. Betrayal.

People. Most of whom disappear eventually.

In the immortal words of Andy Wood: ''Time spent laying by her side / And dreams like this must die''.

New beginnings must start with honesty. It's imperative that the foundations be solid, so that the structure built upon it may be stable. A chapter ends and a new one begins - hopefully.

Let's see who makes it to the sequel.

As of now, I have no friends who fit in the categories of ''friends since the 20th century'' and ''whom I have seen more than 20 times in the past 5 years''.

Time to start anew.

Video Of The (Past) Week: P!nk

2011-12-04T23:44:00.000-08:00

It seems most of the popular songs these days are about drinking and partying... where is our youth headed?

William Burroughs and Charles Bukowski had it right: drinking isn't for partying, it's to drown your pain in tears and regretful sex with someone you wouldn't talk to in the daylight...

But among the party/drink songs, one stands a bit above the crop of fucking Ke$has and Rihannas - and that's P!nk, because her videos have humour, self-deprecation, and references to Pop Culture - it even starts with a tribute to a WWII poster, for crying out loud!

So, yeah. P!nk's my Video Of The Week:

As for me, winter's pretty much upon us, so, yeah, I'm drinking. To warm up.

Speaking Of Cheerleading...

2011-12-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

It seems like just yesterday I was writing about cheerleaders, saying I considered them athletes and all. Wait, it was.

Well, athletes get injured, and one of them surely did:

She's ok, though, in stable condition. I wish her the best, both in her recovery and future endeavours.

Goodbye Movember

2011-11-30T23:55:00.000-08:00

It was good while it lasted.

Especially for this guy:

December/winter/depression starts in 5 minutes...

On A Lighter Note... Cheerleaders.

2011-11-30T15:30:00.000-08:00

CNBC compiled a list of what they consider to be the NFL's 10 ''Best Cheerleading Squads'', only they chose to celebrate those with the largest sponsorship deals and biggest internet presence (and availability of pictures on their websites) rather than the (more obvious) most talented or best-looking...

And yet they use the classic ''slide'' presentation to list them, with pictures of the girls in less-than-businesslike positions, such as this one:

I, for one, do consider these women athletes as well as entertainers. But I don't hide behind some fake-economic calculus to rate them: can they jump? How dynamic are they? Nice team colours and an inventive - and hopefully classy - way to wear them? Are they internationally renowned and respected? How diverse are their routines? You know: the basics.

Let us all remember that if economics were always right, the New York Rangers would be the best hockey team, the Backstreet Boys would be the best band ever, and Madonna would matter.

Guns And Santa

2011-11-30T14:35:00.000-08:00

The Holidays are fast approaching, and many cultures are going to celebrate them in their own ways, whether it's Hanukkah, the birth of Christ, or just Santa Claus bring presents.

Presents, and guns.

Heavy fucking guns, at that.

Basically, it's an Arizona gun club (the Scottsdale Gun Club, to be precise) who is offering ''children and families'' (uh huh) the chance to pose with Santa and heavy artillery.

The gun club's general manager, Ron Kennedy, had this to say:

Our customers have been looking for a fun and safe way to express their holiday spirit and passion for firearms.

They use these as Christmas cards and Facebook profile pictures - of course!

State Representative Steve Farley had this to retort, in protest:

To involve machine guns and Santa in a celebration in the birth of Jesus Christ is the worst kind of heresy I can imagine. I would suggest that the people who created this read some of the New Testament.

Because the Bible is shock-full of guns, of course. Probably in the same chapters where homosexuality and abortion are referred to.

Eitehr this is a ''the only way to deal with stupid people is with stupidity'' moment, or it's one for the ages for the ''why Humans will soon be extinct'' file.

Sigh.

R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal

2011-11-29T15:02:00.000-08:00

After suffering a stroke in October, stand-up comedian Patrice O'Neal died today, succombing to a long, hard struggle with diabetes.

I last saw him in The Comedy Central Roast Of Charlie Sheen, and he alluded briefly to his disease, but I didn't think it was that serious.

I need to get tested. Soon.

Did you know that in Canada, 25% of diabetics are unaware they even have it?

Someone Please Explain To Me...

2011-11-29T14:55:00.000-08:00

Who the fuck is Courtney Stodden? And why does it matter what she wears?

I should have left it alone, I really should have... but here is what I've learned through 5 seconds of Google:

Alright. So she’s a 17 year-old aspiring model/actress/singer. Like so many others.

Except she’s been married to small-time actor Doug Hutchison (small roles in The Green Mile and 24, played ''plane door opener'' in the 2000 remake of Shaft…), who is 51. since she was 16. Uh-huh, yeah: gross.

But the dude has morals: he refused to play in a movie that would cast him as a director who starts banging his underage actress in The Genesis Of Lincoln. Classy move, no?

But at least Courtney looks 37.

Still, a nobody actor and a nobody actress walk down a street, and people are focusing on what they’re wearing? Why? Who gives a fuck? And why does it make it onto the fucking news?

Where is this world headed, and how can we make the extinction of mankind happen any faster?

R.I.P. Ken Russell

2011-11-28T14:48:00.000-08:00

It was bound to happen some day...

British film director Ken Russell - who brought us such movies as Tommy (1975), Whore (1991) and Women In Love (1969) - has indeed passed away, at age 84.

He was often under-rated because while he aimed for a rather intellectual cinema, he had an obsession with displaying vivid, crude sex scenes, many of them of the homosexual persuasion or featuring religious figures (nuns, for one).

But a storyteller is a storyteller, and he was a good one.

When Bad Cops Become Oh So Good.

2011-11-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

His name is John Pike. He is a lieutenant in the UC Davis police force in Oakland.

He is now a web meme.

Demi Moore Is Single Again

2011-11-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

It's true, the talented beauty is getting a divorce.

Ah, Demi Moore. One of my childhood fantasies. Who knew I had a better shot when I was a child? (I kid, I kid)

Video Of The Week: The Ting Tings

2011-11-24T19:32:00.000-08:00

We are in the age of studio bands and computer-made music - and I don't mean in the Motown or Kraftwerk variety, either. Even the crappy acts are catchy as hell, and it's hard to make your mind up about what is good and what isn't, except to go with your gut and look for what feels real.

And I don't profess to know where to put The Ting Tings in the grand scheme of things, either, but I've had this song in my head all day and, thus, plan on infecting you as well.

A British, studio-born ''band'' of two - Katie White and Jules de Martino - both multi-intrumentalists, at least - are a singles-led act, primarily. Indeed, they released 3 singles before their debut album was even finished, including this massive hit song from May 28th, 2007; it would make it to the top (yes, #1) of the U.K. charts on May 18th... 2008. The album itself, We Started Nothing, was released on May 16th, 2008. They have already released two singles (Hands in 2010 and Hang It Up in 2011) for a record that may come out in 2012.

Best Movie Poster Ever?

2011-11-24T19:11:00.000-08:00

Certainly the busiest. And the one with the most 1980s action stars on it.

Could use some Ving Rhames, Timothy Dalton, Samuel L. Jackson, George Clooney and Milla Jovovich, for some 90s feel (and some Kiefer Sutherland and Matt Damon for a 00s touch), but, uh, on a budget, a schedule and a plot - hopefully - it is quite the feat.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T19:02:00.000-08:00

(thanks to Yan Basque for the picture)

... if that's how you say it. Sounds weird to be all giddy about giving thanks and being grateful.

But enjoy the turkey, my American friends.

Will Kat Dennings Save TV?

2011-11-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

Talk about putting pressure on yourself...

The wonderful Kat Dennings, now starring in the TV sitcom 2 Broke Girls, claims:

The show's not just a ha-ha machine. I grew up watching The Golden Girls, The Nanny – I want to bring the sitcom back.

Big words for such a reclusive young girl. Then again, she's not that reclusive. But at 25, we won't hold any of that against her.

And in an era when many decent TV shows such as Pan Am and Parks & Recreation are probably doomed to disappear because dumb TV execs don't factor in TiVo recordings nor DVD/Blu-ray sales when counting a series' viewership, audience numbers are seemingly stalling.

But as fine shows such as Arrested Development and My Name Is Earl have shown, network bosses have no idea how today's fans react and how passionate they can be. I hope 2 Broke Girls finds its niche.

I, For One, Could Never Pay That Fine

2011-11-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

The Samoa rugby team manager Tuala Matthew Vaea - infamous for his borderline-tolerable behaviour - was fined for his antics during the last World Cup:

100 pigs.

I wonder if he already owns them or if he'll have to purchase them, then hand them away.

The Popularity Of Congress

2011-11-18T15:07:00.000-08:00

At three times less than fuckin' Richard Nixon during Watergate and fucking banks; twice lower than BP during the oil spill (!) and Paris Hilton (!!); tied with Hugo Chavez and 4 percentage points ahead of Fidel Castro (further proof that Americans know nothing about international politics...), Congress has never been less popular.

Good.

Oklahoma State And The Number 10 (R.I.P.)

2011-11-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

10 months after Oklahoma State commemorated the 10-year anniversary of a plane crash that killed 10 men associated with the school's men's basketball program, another plane crash killed its women's team's head coach Kurt Budke and assistant coach Miranda Serna.

I'd say the irony is killing me, but I'm not going to tempt Fate on this one.

United Colours Of Irrelevance

2011-11-17T15:11:00.000-08:00

Ooh, man-on-man love. How daring, risqué, original, fun.

Ooh, religious leaders - and definitely not religious icons.

Ooh, a brand that hasn't mattered in 20 years.

There's a reason why it took me two days to report on it: I truly, honestly didn't give a fuck about it. But it seems the internet isn't quick enough, and some people still hadn't seen it. You're welcome.

Now, on to more important stuff.

Small-Town Problems

2011-11-17T15:01:00.000-08:00

You know you live in a small town when this kind of story makes the news...

I'd go if not for the fact that I know nothing of pianos.

The Penn State Affair

2011-11-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

In the football-and-pedophelia scandal I mentioned last week, like in most major cases nowadays, prosecutors went public with their evidence, in an obvious attempt to sway public opinioon - as if they even needed to.

Sports Illustrated gives us an inside look with an in-depth 3-page report on the matter that leaves chills in your spine. Well, mine anyway.

Video Of The Week: Priestess

2011-11-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

Priestess was formed in 2003 when Mikey Heppner's bandmates in The Dropouts left for New York to form The Stills, a move that was probably best for all, as The Stills may have been a little too quiet for Heppner's tastes - as proven by his current side-project, the amazing Uncle Bad Touch.

The riffage provided by guitarist Dan Watchorn and bassist Mike Dyball, as well as the pounding from drummer Vince Nudo provide a unique sound-space even in the stoner-rock genre where Heppner can flex his songwriting skills to levels of experimentation where his former band couldn't - and we're all the happier for it.

It's funny that it took an international release and a Guitar Hero game for them to get the hometown respect they deserve, but at least they're there now. Apparently, work has started on their third record; if it came out in 2012, it would follow the band's pattern of releasing a new album every three years, after Hello Master (2006) and Prior To The Fire (2009).

Blast From The Past: jraff's Poster For Raw Madonna's UnPop 2010 Show

2011-11-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

Just happened to fall on jraff's blog page showing off his amazing UnPop 2010 poster:

I am blessed to have so many generous, talented friends. Truly.

Off To See The Rum Diary

2011-11-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

''That’s gibberish!'', I said, when the woman asked me for ten bucks in exchange for some gelatin candy.

But I paid anyway. I needed the sweets to bring to the movie theatre, where I’m finally set to watch The Rum Diary tonight, after six unsuccessful tries/dates.

I’ve been waiting for years to see this fucking film, before the book was even fucking released – Hunter S. Thompson had been writing about it for years, having tried to have it published since the 1960s.

And who better to play Thompson’s alter ego (he’s never referred to by his own name in any of his books, a trick Charles Bukowski was also very fond of) than fucking Johnny Depp, who did a bang-up job in Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas?

Rum is where the journalistic story starts, in Puerto Rico. Constant drinking, before the drug use. I’m off. Wish me luck.

edit: here's what I'm talking about:

Video Of The (Past) Week: Soul Coughing

2011-11-13T15:35:00.000-08:00

This one's a little unusual: Soul Coughing are one of my all-time favourite bands... but also one I always forget about. I forget to mention them when I list my favourite bands, sure, but I also always to forget to just listen to them.

To make matters worse, they don't have their own YouTube channel, so the one time I remember to mention them on here, I can't get an official video with decent sound. So crank up your speakers and enjoy this jazz/indie-rock hybrid in... one of their least hybrid songs. Oh well!

Career-Altering Mistakes

2011-11-11T14:41:00.000-08:00

It had been a while since a page from Cracked.com made me laugh this much.

Here, they list 5 film celebs who have made dramatic mistakes that have forever altered their careers. I agree with just about everything - except omitting Delirious in Eddie Murphy's credits.

Everyone Likes A Good Yarn

2011-11-11T14:34:00.000-08:00

Les Ville-Laines are a group of like-minded ladies who practice the art of yarnbombing - public knitting followed by displaying their creations on public property.

Yesterday, they did so at Viger Square, a place many homeless people call home. They also brought them blankets.

My friend Eli Larin, photographer, documented the event.

Choices

2011-11-10T12:09:00.000-08:00

I’m so fucking tired today. Merely in the afternoon and it feels like 1 AM.

Fatigue and drowsiness remain despite all the caffeine drinks.

And I’m made all the more tired by the woman sharing my office for the day, who just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks.

She will not shut up as long as she’s alive.

And it’s taking all my energy to ignore her and keep concentrating on what I have to do.

Ninth floor. Steep fall.

Choices.

Cabbage Patch Steven Tyler

2011-11-09T16:10:00.000-08:00

When artists get their own dolls, it usually means they're having the honour of having Todd McFarlane making one of his hyper-realistic toys.

Not Steven Tyler.

He's going to be... a fucking Cabbage Patch Kid:

If, like me, you have trouble identifying him, he's the one... in the middle. The white-trash prostitute with the brown hair and blonde streaks dressed like Elvis-meets-cowboy. Wow.

The Ever-Quotable Lou Reed

2011-11-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

Remember when Lou Reed said his album with Metallica was the best thing ever created? It turns out most people don't agree; some actually feel it's the worst thing ever made. My favourite quote is from a user named lainso:

It made me want to illegally download it, then not listen to it.

Some Metallica fans want to go even further: Reed was told a few of them wanted to kill him:

[They] are threatening to shoot me, and that’s only because I showed up,” Reed said. “They haven’t even heard the record yet, and they’re recommending various forms of torture and death.

Then again, while Rolling Stone gave the record 3/5 stars, their readers gave it a 1; NME went as far as giving it a 7/10; but most sites seem to agree with the line of thought displayed by Pitchfork: 1/10.

Daniel Snyder from The Atlantic even longs for the days when Metallica was at its best merely selling out. Ouch.

Looks like Reed made another Metal Machine Music - only this time, it wasn't intentionally unlistenable.

By the way, I give it a 3/10, myself. And I loved Metal Machine Music.

R.I.P. Heavy D

2011-11-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

Barely a month after performing the closing song at the BET Awards, Heavy D - a 1980s and early 1990s rap icon - died in a Los Angeles-area hospital after passing out, then re-awakening on the sidewalk near his home.

He was 44.

A hip hop hitmaker ('Now That We Found Love' should ring a bell), he had also had a small role in Eddie Murphy's current movie flop, The Tower Heist.

Bad Music Will Kill Your Mojo

2011-11-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

I often post about how bad music is detrimental to society - more than any other art and, in the Western world, more than perhaps even politics and the environment. I even did so just a few days ago.

Indeed, to some extent Nickelback is as bad as a right-wing religious zealot, although they do seem to cancel each other out, as while the latter does its best to deter abortions, the former is a deterrent to making babies, as is proven in this study.

The poodle-haired frontman and his douchebag-looking ~~cronies~~ ~~partners~~ employees (see picture above) seem to strike a mighty chord on all fronts - love 'em or hate 'em, I guess.

Guess which side I'm on? I'd rather not get laid for a year than fuck one of their record-purchasing, concert-attending fans. I think.

Who else are people turned off by? Allow me to quote the article:

What other musicians and bands did the poll reveal are likely to make a potential amour shake, rattle and roll right out the door on the first date? In order of their horror-inducing power: Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, Coldplay, U2, Creed, Katy Perry, Lil Wayne and Britney Spears.

I totally agree with the first 4, and would put Creed above and beyond even Nickelback, but while I don't listen to the other 4 (U2, Perry, Wayne and Spears), I think putting them in here is a tad exaggerated.
I'd put Maroon 5 in there, for sure, way ahead of them, perhaps with Bush and Linkin Park.

How To Abuse Trust. And Children.

2011-11-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

Yet another proof that there's often a treacherous, filthy reason behind Conservatives - particularly Republican-voting or -inspired - ''helping out'' or passing ridiculous, over-reaching laws: a former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky is accused of raping 8 boys between 1994 and 2009, through his charity for ''at risk'' kids The Second Mile.

The ''beauty'' of raping an ''at risk'' kid is that if it all goes to shit and only this kid goes to the authorities, it can be wiped under the rug, as the ''troubled teen'' is up against the ''respected elder gentleman'' in a battle over whose word is to be believed. The pervert usually wins.

But when it comes to 8, and no one took the allegations seriously enough to investigate deeper, all involved in the cover-up get treated the same way as the pedophile. And rightly so. And then it goes to court, and it's Hell to pay.

Which means one bad apple can ruin all of his victims' lives, his family (say, if he's married with kids of his own), and the lives and careers of those who stood up for and defended him. That's a lot to fucking answer for. Don't these selfish fucking scumbags realize they're ruining everybody's fucking lives?

I keep telling myself Sandusky is innocent until proven guilty. But when he is found guilty, I'll find myself wishing he'll be locked up with other sexual abusers, and maybe they can help each other out, either by sorting their issues through council - or, perhaps more probably, by fucking each other to death.

But these stories are becoming routine, which in turn makes me doubt the motivations behind everyone's moves in Society, question their honesty, their integrity, look for a dark, hidden meaning behind the appearance of a good deed. And that's not even getting into those in a similar position of power (politics, religion) who use ideology to cleanse the world of what they publicly call ''sinners'' when they, themselves, are far worse than what they aim to outlaw.

Call me cynical, but I'm starting to believe I'm the only one human being who isn't broken, morally. I know that, technically, good people can do bad things and vice versa, that, in general, We Are The 99% That Aren't Too Fucked In The Head. I just fail to see it in Life.

Yoga And Mark Driscoll

2011-11-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

I came across a funny blog today called Def Shepherd; it seems to be mainly about religion - or anti-religious. Or something.

I particularly like this post about Mark Driscoll, the idiot pastor who said ''masturbation is homosexuality'', to which I replied, in my Facebook status that day, ''I guess I am pretty much gay for myself''. I know, not my best line, but still...

This time, Driscoll claims ''yoga is demonic''...

If there is a God, I predict He/She/It will have a pretty good laugh at Driscoll's expense when he makes it to the heavenly gates, right before kicking his sorry ass all the way to purgatory. - or wherever fucking idiots are sent.

Say 'No' To Nickelback

2011-11-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

Ah, Nickleback.

The Canadian band led by poodle-haired and cowboy-legged frontman Chad Kroeger, which has had up to three Kroegers at once in the band, which Billboard claimed was the band of the 00s for album sales over 50 million - 10 million more than U2, its runner-up - is universally hated more than it is loved. That is a fact, albeit one known only to those who pay attention - and people with ears.

I understand how money-hungry companies might think having a 50 million record-selling band play at their half-time might seem like a good idea - we're talking U2 numbers, Madonna numbers, Metallica numbers, Mariah Carey numbers. Huge fucking numbers.

But none of the afore-mentioned acts have as many haters as the poorly-named Alberta bland band who sound like they combined the worst elements of Metallica and Soundgarden and turned it into an over-compressed pile of dog shit fit for ads about cheap trucks (''Someday''), or old people homes (''How You Remind Me'').

Which brings me to this: after an open letter to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman begging to not have Nickelback play a show celebrating the return of the Winnipeg Jets, football fans have launched a petition to have the Detroit Lions rescind their invitation to have the band play their half-time show on Thanksgiving Day.

I hope they win.

Texas Justice

2011-11-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of Texas judge William Adams?

His job, at times, require he pass judgement on cases in which adults abuse minors, be it physically, sexually or morally. But as is often the case with hardcore Conservatives, in the confines of his own fucking home, Judge Adams beats his own kid. A girl, named Hillary Adams.

Here he is beating her 17 times with a fucking belt, seven years ago - Hillary was 16. It wasn't the first nor last time, but she did film it secretly. Warning: these are troubling fucking images.

That, my friends, was her punishment... for illegally downloading music on the internet.

I said it before and I'll probably have to say it again, but people in a position of authority in our society should be punished twice as long for having been hypocrites when they, themselves, do what they set out to eliminate.

On the other hand, Texas is known for having no remorse when giving retarded teenagers the death penalty; this retarded man is lookin' for a hangin'.

Video Of The Week: Laura Branigan

2011-11-02T03:28:00.000-07:00

Although many people know her mainly for 1982's Gloria, a cover of an Italian song by Umberto Tozzi (not the Patti Smith song) whose 36-week reign on the charts made it part of all best-of compilations for both 1982 and 1983, I strongly prefer Laura Branigan's Self Control, her 1984 smash.

She was also featured on the soundtracks of both Flashdance and Ghostbusters, sealing her fate as one of the 1980s' most popular solo artists, alongside Samantha Fox, Madonna, Prince and Michael Jackson. The 1990s, however, weren't kind to her, starting with her version of the song Unison, released the same year by Céline Dion as her English-language debut - guess who got more media exposure with it?

Branigan died in her home in 2004, the result of an untreated brain aneurysm.

What I like about this song, perhaps even more than the fact that it's beyond catchy is its construction - take, for instance, the ''oh, oh, oh'' part, at first a bridge onto itself in the song, then incorporated into the backing part of the chorus, and perhaps the song's most memorable part to boot.

Occupying Montréal

2011-11-02T03:02:00.000-07:00

My friend, professional poker player and photographer Jamie Klinger is quoted in this short report about the Occupy Movement's Montréal demonstration.

These people seem like they're in it for the long haul. Winter's fast approaching, I don't think I have their courage.

Yet Another Hazing Story

2011-10-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

The more kids change, the more they stay stupid.

Hazing rituals have been a staple of team sports since, well, pretty much the dawn of time. Through human history, rites of passage and initiations often paved the way as a celebration or challenge as someone changed levels at something, be it age, social rank or whatever.

But get guys together, get them drunk, and their inner rapist comes out full throttle - which kind of explains why most of these end up with cocks and balls and assholes getting defiled in one manner or another - and even the third most prestigious university in the world isn't immune to it.

This time, a minor hockey team in butt-fuck Manitoba (pardon the pun) decided it would be funny to attach water bottles to kids' scrotums. 16 players were suspended - you need 20 to play a game, and most teams have rosters of up to 23 players, with healthy scratches.

But what happens when the suspended players return? No one thought they'd be pissed off for missing games which will lead to more shit going on inside the locker room?

I was never hazed in sports because as my team's starting goalie in hockey, they couldn't afford to have me undress between two periods, submit to the ordeal and perhaps miss a few minutes of playing time - as most hazing occured during tournaments in other cities, when most parents didn't make the trip. I did witness a few, and did intervene a couple of times (a six-foot, 200-pound teen can have that kind of clout), including when guys tried to have a girl on our team (Sophie, how I wonder what you're up to these days!) be subjected to something outrageous.

In football, making the team at season's end as a 9th grader, it was assumed I would also be on the team the following season, so they just held off for later, but because my coaches implicitly told me I needed to gain weight through steroid use during the off-season - which was not only contrary to my beliefs but a no-no for my hockey career, in which I represented my country and/or province on many occasions and therefore had to get tested regularly - I just quit and never showed up for training camp in Grade 10.

So while I personally avoided it, I have always been aware it existed - and always thought it was stupid, immature and at times dangerous.

What usually happened was the older guys hazed the younger kids for revenge, making their plight worse than what had happened the year before.

And each year it snowballs, to the point where broom sticks get shoved up peoples' asses and high-priced coaches lose their jobs. And NO ONE is the better for it.

No Limits

2011-10-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

There's an ice cream shop a block from my place. And I was walking past it, on the other side of the street, but I was blinded by its flickering lights.

And I was surprised they made it to the other side, and caught myself thinking ''is this legal?''

And I was shocked that I thought it, then told myself ''it damn well better be''.

Dirty Old Dive Bar

2011-10-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

One step in the poorly-lit bar and it already reeks of their sex. The walls are icky, slimy as snot but a translucent grey, like dying fish had been glued to it and never quite died but the stench intensified.

And I wouldn't mind it at all if it weren't for the vein in my left hand begging for the chance to rip my skin open and explode - I couldn't bear contracting the infection of dead cum without having at least fucked a 6 or a 7. Or a trashy 19-year old.

I keep wondering about the shit that goes on in there when I'm not around, seeing as they usually devolve pretty quickly even in my presence. And the shitty music never helps, either, fucking cock-rock classics of the 80s, country-rock classics of the 70s, nothing modern, nothing new - a fit representation of its patrons, who never would have seen the past 20 years if it weren't for the invention of penicillin.

Drunk fucking zombies on their automated poker machines, barely pausing for cigarette breaks, drinking 3% beer 'cause it's a dollar cheaper than the regular-strength stuff that, oddly enough, also tastes like stale piss.

This is the minor leagues of daytime drinking, populated with a few youngsters, sure, but mostly should-be-retired-by-suicide dreamers holding on to the last parcel of their youth, with memories of that one day in their life where it didn't rain shit on their heads, where maybe the right whore was a decent enough actress to make them believe in Love for even a second, their first used car, the first time seeing a plane in the sky, playing with a dog, or that first welfare check that seemed like so much money.

These dreams aren't broken, they're rusted, mouldy, holding on for their fucking life with fucking duct tape - but they're still there, alive. Working. Well enough to get from point A to point D in a haze, barely flipping over a few tables, perhaps with a black eye or two, but fucking standing.

And that's why the dried-up beer, the vomit, the blood - some of it clearly menstrual - and the cum add layer upon layer of goo on the tables, floors and walls, and why we all keep coming back. Hope.

Video Of The Week: Queens Of The Stone Age

2011-10-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

Ah, Queens Of The Stone Age. They're the band I've been listening to the most lately, and I'm probably going to be playing this song at my next show, November 3rd, at Piranha Bar (pardon the plug).

Sure, I've made them Video Of The Week before, but who cares? Good music is good music, and theirs is great. Plus this song features Dave Grohl on drums - not just in the video, but also on the original recording. And lest we forget, Grohl, like bandleader Josh Homme, is also a drummer who is a singer-guitarist in another band (Homme plays drums for the Eagles Of Death Metal, and I'm sure you've heard of Grohl's Foo Fighters).

Speaking Of The ''Occupy'' Movement...

2011-10-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

Either someone at Fox is going to lose their job for making ''those lefties'' look legitimate, or they'll find a way to make this about how the Republicans aren't out to screw people and will listen to their grievances.

Diddley Squat

2011-10-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

Seems a little messed up that Elias McDaniel - Bo Diddley's son - was arrested in the Gainesville, Florida plaza that bears his father's name, just for supporting his local Occupy Movement ''chapter''.

Bill Maher And ''Occupy DC''

2011-10-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

Love Bill Maher.

He should release all seasons of Real Time on DVD.

A Sad Day...

2011-10-21T10:18:00.001-07:00