Snow Storm Alert, Montréal (Yes He's Back)

I like listening to the classics (''have your shovels ready, have your snow plows ready, don't get into car accidents'' and ''keep your iPhones charged, stay away from golf fields, and get back inside your homes'' are particularly great), but Frankie MacDonald from Nova Scotia has a new hit he'd like us to listen to:



So have your winter boots ready, your hats, gloves and scarves, order your pizzas and order your Chinese food, buy cases of Pepsi and buy cases of Coke, don't wait for your grocery shopping DO IT RIGHT NOW and charge all your electronics (I won't name them all, listen to it for yourselves), 'cause there'll be lots of snow in Montréal tomorrow.

''Best of luck to ya!''

Storms Of The Century

 While cyclones, tornadoes and so-called ''hot'' storms are becoming more and more dangerous in the U.S., in Canada, it's snow storms that are breaking records.

Earlier this winter, on December 27th more specifically, as I was just days removed from coming out of the hospital and still weak, we got 4 feet (46 centimeters) in one day, 10 feet in a week and a half total:

It got so bad you could even adapt Yakov Smirnoff jokes: ''In socialist Canada, bus travels by people!''

Well, today we got 3 more feet (40 cm), and you'd think we'd be used to it by now, what with 400-plus years of colonization in our land (and Canada being roughly 150 years old), but it still seems to freak the shit out of people, and destabilize motorists. One person wanted to warn us in a particularly dramatic manner:



Good looking out, kid. Much appreciated.

Snowy Monday In Montréal

It looks amazing but it feels like Hell, I tell ya! It's a video my friend Jamie Klinger shared - I'm just sharing it back.


A Monday Morning in Montréal from CloudRaker on Vimeo.

And it shows you the beginning of the storm, how it's funny/difficult to walk in it, and they hint at the fact that the City doesn't fucking pick it up, but imagine all that fucking snow, falling all day long, and the 4 feet of it that's accumulated after your long day of work, and you having to go back home through waist-high unwalkable freezing fluff - or moist, dirty slush if it's melted a bit.

There is nothing human about living in these conditions 6 months a year. There's a reason settlers went all the way to California. Heck, even British Columbia.

Slush City

She is Slush City. My City in winter is a cold, slippery bitch.

She is moody. When she's in a foul mood, she freezes so cold nothing is allowed to live on her; when she merely feels like pissing us off, she turns into a bitter, cold, mushy place to walk on, slip on, fall on, and gets us soaking wet in sub-zero temperatures, inducing colds, flues and disease that we spread amongst ourselves on shared public transit seats, on supermarket produce, in line at the doctor's office.

She is an unfit mother caring for 3 million lost souls, a broken-hearted widow set on bitter revenge.

Every time I feel I've tamed her, she claws and bites back, making sure I feel her wrath, the greyness of her essence. She disinfects my wounds with dust and puss like she disaffects our youths with blood and cum. She makes sure it gets infected to remind us she exists.

But it'll pass if we survive it, it almost always does.

I tell myself that during the summer months she is sublime, unique, distinguished - that we just have to make it through this and head there, that the scurvy and hepatitis will subside and we can move to the sunny side of the street.

Until then she is slushy, and our steps take twice as long to get us half the distance. She is covered in a frosty quicksand that keeps you stuck to the ground; you couldn't leave if you wanted to, and by the time your struggles have set you free, it's Spring and you could spend the rest of your life just staring at her in all her beauty, feeding only from the sparkle of her bosom.

She is Slush City and she's got me by the balls.