Suffragette City

Fuck. I can''t get this song out of my head. It's been at me since I woke up. I hate David Bowie.

As a matter of fact, not only do I hate Bowie in general (and out of principle), but this song is among his worst in my opinion. He released it a gazillion times, first on the Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars record (1972), then  twice as b-sides (April 1972, as the b-side of the Starman single, and February 1975 as the b-side of Young Americans), then as an actual single by itself in 1976 which, of course, didn't chart. Because it sucks. But that didn't stop him from adding it on no less than 7 compilation albums and 6 live albums.

The worst part, for me, is that the lyrics mean absolutely nothing and go nowhere:

Hey man, oh leave me alone you know
Hey man, oh Henry, get off the phone, I gotta
Hey man, I gotta straighten my face
This mellow thighed chick just put my spine out of place

Hey man, my schooldays insane
Hey man, my work's down the drain
Hey man, well she's a total blam-blam
She said she had to squeeze it but she... then she...

Oh don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
I'm back from Suffragette City
Oh don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
You know my Suffragette City
Is outta sight...she's all right

First off, when you need to put someone's name in a song, usually, it's because you lack the inspiration to make it more universal and need to use a few syllables. It cheeses up any song, and names from the 1950s just cheapen the deal even more. Also, rhyming ''alone'' with ''phone''? Genius. That's probably why it has been done a gazillion times, including a million by Bowie himself.

Now, he speaks of a woman, a ''mellow-thighed chick''; actually, he stops talking about her altogether 'cause she conjures up images of his school days, which were apparently ''insane'', but as soon as his work goes ''down the drain'', he remembers ''she's a total blam-blam''... whatever the fuck that means. But it's not like you're going to find out, because although ''she said she had to squeeze'' (again, whatever the fuck that means, especially since her thighs are ''mellow''), he ends that verse with an open ''then she...'' and never finishes.

Dude, Mr. Bowie, Sir: if you're going to put time and effort into writing a song to share a story about a girl, please have the decency to tell us something, anything. You can't just say you want to be heard and then say nothing. It's a waste of your time, but - more importantly - a waste of ours.

And that's saying nothing of the 50s-rock-and-roll, Little Richard-stealing piano riff throughout the fucking song. If I want to hear a Queen sing Long Tall Sally, I'll put the original on, thank you very much.