Video Of The Week: Donny Osmond

Watch it, go, just remember you're suffering because something amazing will follow:



Let's get this straight, I'm not featuring Donny Osmond's Soldier Of Love video this week because it's any good. It's the most awful thing I've seen in December, and I've watched news footage of murders. Ironically, it's not just bad because it was directed by Michael Bay, it's also terrible because it's late-80s dance pop à la New Kids On The Block (Osmond looks a lot like Jordan Knight here), complete with pretend-tough-guy leather jacket, beautiful models (considering the era) and lyrics that imply Osmond is exactly the opposite of what he is (''You've heard I'm a rebel with a heart of stone / I'm a restless spirit that nobody can own'') and has some measure of what sex is (''Deep in the night / can't get enough'').

Oh, and the keyboard-led ''band'' dressed and combed like The Clash kills me, too. But back to the sex: Osmond has said time and time again that he married a virgin and never cheated on his wife, with whom he is still married. He's only been with one woman, and has never had oral nor anal sex, as per this Howard Stern interview:



Find out more about his youth, his fame, his fall from grace and semi-redemption in this interesting, loaded-yet-complacent hour-long interview with Piers Morgan:



It's actually an interesting story, one that I never would have had the patience to look into had it not been for this 1972 track, Crazy Horses:



This track is fucking heavy, so much so that I never thought a boy band sang and wrote it, but rather pictured tall, bearded men from Sweden (or Tennessee) with guitars shaped like axes, lightning and/or dildos wearing fur with blood still on it from not having washed it after removing the skin off of dead reindeer and foxes. Real fucking Vikings.

Imagine my reaction when I realized The Osmonds were the band who sang it, with Donny at the keyboard making the pre-noize high-pitched whirring signature sound of the almost-heavy metal track about... car pollution. Yeah, that was also a bummer, as I'd originally thought it was about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding from the mountains come to teach humanity a hard lesson. Oh, well, you win some, you lose some, but with Crazy Horses in tow, this one is still all-win.