Dildo Drone

At this point in my life, the burger's the only thing of interest to me in this lady's "top three", but whatever rocks your boat or finds your lost remote, I say...

Misleading Headlines

So The Daily Mail entitled a post "Denny's patron rewards her waiter with a sex act", with the link on Facebook appearing as "The Shocking Moments A Denny's Patron Tips Her Waiter With A Sex Act", except it didn't go all the way.

That's misleading.

And the whole article, the man and woman - consenting adults - are shown as "unidentified", inviting further investigation, as is wondering if the poor sob who got tricked out of a tip by barely wetting his tip lost his job over the incident.

Shame on you, Daily Mail.

Making Her Mark Marking Her Territory

There's no question we're in the age of trolling, from people voting with potato sacks on their heads to a basketball player's fiancée texting all of his ''side chicks''... all 200 of them.

Now, I don't know anything about basketball except that there's a guy named LeBron James, there used to be a guy named Carmelo Anthony, and that Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, ''Magic'' Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain used to play the sport, when they weren't busy scoring off the field.

Which is admittedly what Victor Cruz seems to be doing as well. Good on Elaina Watley to mark her territory, though. I guess.

Here they are in, presumably, happier days:

Here's the group text she sent:

Touché. Literally.

15 Years For Public Sex?

So a Florida couple (of course) couldn't control their urges and had a 25-minute sex session on the beach, mid-afternoon, in plain view of onlookers who didn't do anything to stop them.

A grandmother was appalled because her grandkids started asking her questions, and instead of answering their questions and teaching the brats about Life and shit - or just taking them somewhere else and/or telling them to look away - got on her phone and filmed the thing.

Now, the two amateur porn stars face 15 years in jail.

So let me get this straight: killing an unarmed Black man doesn't even warrant a charge pressed against you.

Filming someone else having sex isn't a breach of privacy? And sharing the tape with the cops and the internet isn't spreading illegal material?

Meanwhile, in California, a pastor will get no more than 4 months for molesting a 9-year-old girl... multiple times.

Let that sink in.

Murder? Fine.

Rape and abuse of power? Fine.

Doing what God intended us to do so we survive as a species? A quarter of your life in jail.

For ''lewd and lascivious exhibition'', in a state where there might be more strippers than Nevada.

It's a wonder you've lasted this long, Mur'ca.

Family Feud Funny

I think this clip speaks for itself. That lady looks like she'd be a fun guest at parties.

Julian Edelman: Totally Fucked?

NEVER READ THE COMMENTS SECTION. I fail to abide by this rule, pretty much daily.

In the case of this non-news where a reportedly single football star (Julian Edelman) who may or may not be romantically involved with a model (Olivia Frischer, though they are not married) seen in a post-sex selfie, sleeping, with Boston-area girl Sabrina Dudish bragging about it via her Tinder profile icebreaker:

The internet went all mean and all-out on her, calling her the nastiest things, ''whore'' and ''slut'' among the most common - and nicest. One Massachussets bar owner banned her from his establishments - noting he had never done so about anyone else before. That's right: murderers and rapists, politicians, crooked cops, terrorists, kidnappers and wife beaters (three of those may apply to NFL players) are fine, but not Sabrina Dudish. Also, that misogynistic asshole (Michael Winter) went as far as to rate her a ''5'', I guess because if she'd have been a ''10'' it wouldn't have been the same? I'm fairly certain a lot of his bars are full of ''8s'' going to hotel rooms with married athletes (and married men in general), but somehow he's totally cool with that. Unless I'm missing the story about his bars being ''No Hookup'' establishments...

Again: a single woman bragging about fucking a single man, not destroying his family or public life. This is called slut-shaming, though we really need a better term, because nothing here actually proves her to be a slut. She's had to shut down most of her social media accounts because of the backlash, but forgot about her MySpace, so there are pictures of her looking a little too young making the rounds that some folks are searching for and staring at...

Guys are rarely judged by the amount of women they bang, unless it's negatively for not having had enough (''Oh, just 10? Sorry.''), but girls have to be virgin prudes, right? Then who would the guys be fucking?

My only interrogation with this is that she used it on her Tinder profile, meaning she's using it to lure men into contacting her to meet up. As a musician and former athlete, I understand there's an aura around going after men who've had many conquests, and there are plenty of Psychology 101 reasons for that, but I'm not certain it goes both ways: I fail to see how this one woman thinks sleeping with a man who has slept with hundreds of women makes her look attractive. But I guess that's the feminist in me, where I'm not slut-shaming her, but him instead. (I guess that's Psychology 102).

I guess that's the day and age we're in, though, right? Instant celebrity and a global network that renders your most stupid decision of the day a permanent fixture on the interwebs, for generations to marvel at. Like all those idiots from Florida. Paris Hilton showed the world (well, North America, anyway) that a complete dunce could market herself by just exposing herself to the masses, and they'll not only follow but want to join in. We're way past the Decline of Western Civilization, we're going for rock bottom.

Strippers On Deflate Gate

Well, everyone else had their opinions about the New England Patriots' trouncing of the Indianapolis Colts with deflated balls (which, in this case, had nothing to do with steroid use), so, yes, Busted Coverage found something to talk about on their daily outing to Rick's Cabaret in New York City so they could charge their champagne room bill to the company as a business expense.

Go on the page to see quotes and stuff, and more pictures than the two below... if you need to.

Please, no sexist remarks about how your city has better/sexier/nakeder/curvier strippers than New York in the comments section - they will be deleted; this one (Kimmie, I think, judging by the article) has decent football knowledge and was smart enough to let the idiots pretend to be journalists while she was earning her living. She wins.

Love And Monster Trucks

And banging each other's cousins.

Oh, and public drunkenness and terrible reporting.



Poor lady. The reporter should have let her go the minute he realized she was in no condition to be interviewed, and instead delved deeper into personal questions when he saw that her being drunk led to her being open and honest. And now the whole world will know her story.

I'm tagging this with ''stupidity'', but on the journalist's part, not the woman he's laughing at and putting down.

Marijuana As A Gateway Drug

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Video Of The Week: Donny Osmond

Watch it, go, just remember you're suffering because something amazing will follow:



Let's get this straight, I'm not featuring Donny Osmond's Soldier Of Love video this week because it's any good. It's the most awful thing I've seen in December, and I've watched news footage of murders. Ironically, it's not just bad because it was directed by Michael Bay, it's also terrible because it's late-80s dance pop à la New Kids On The Block (Osmond looks a lot like Jordan Knight here), complete with pretend-tough-guy leather jacket, beautiful models (considering the era) and lyrics that imply Osmond is exactly the opposite of what he is (''You've heard I'm a rebel with a heart of stone / I'm a restless spirit that nobody can own'') and has some measure of what sex is (''Deep in the night / can't get enough'').

Oh, and the keyboard-led ''band'' dressed and combed like The Clash kills me, too. But back to the sex: Osmond has said time and time again that he married a virgin and never cheated on his wife, with whom he is still married. He's only been with one woman, and has never had oral nor anal sex, as per this Howard Stern interview:



Find out more about his youth, his fame, his fall from grace and semi-redemption in this interesting, loaded-yet-complacent hour-long interview with Piers Morgan:



It's actually an interesting story, one that I never would have had the patience to look into had it not been for this 1972 track, Crazy Horses:



This track is fucking heavy, so much so that I never thought a boy band sang and wrote it, but rather pictured tall, bearded men from Sweden (or Tennessee) with guitars shaped like axes, lightning and/or dildos wearing fur with blood still on it from not having washed it after removing the skin off of dead reindeer and foxes. Real fucking Vikings.

Imagine my reaction when I realized The Osmonds were the band who sang it, with Donny at the keyboard making the pre-noize high-pitched whirring signature sound of the almost-heavy metal track about... car pollution. Yeah, that was also a bummer, as I'd originally thought it was about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding from the mountains come to teach humanity a hard lesson. Oh, well, you win some, you lose some, but with Crazy Horses in tow, this one is still all-win.

Video Of The Week: Nicki Minaj

If only because it dethroned Miley Cyrus from a YouTube record (most views in its first week), this song is totally worth featuring. Of course, it's basically just replacing one twerker with another, but at least Nicky Minaj has talent something.

Sir Mix-A-Lot might say that something is a ''big butt'', hence the sampling of his classic ode to derrières, Baby Got Back, throughout the song, which both emphasizes Minaj's own, but also reverts it back to her appreciation of large penises, hence Anaconda.

The metaphors are obvious, the visual aids are sophomoric, the idea is funny yet unsophisticated... but it works. Better and more subtle than Black Eyes Peas, anyway.

As in many Nicki Minaj videos, director Colin Tilley put forth a dazzling array of colours to catch the eyes of those less enthused with the singer's silhouette, and even added eye candy for fans of the other gender with the cameo by Drake, seen getting a lap dance at the end of the video.



It's hyper-sexualized candy for teenagers and young adults, and fodder for critics of sexism and the depiction of women in our era. And for ''concerned parents who'd want to hide this from their kids'', but really, 1. the lyrics have enough swear words to make those people kill themselves anyway, and 2. if you can't control your own kids, don't try to control those of others.

A quick word about Drake: after seeing him in this and Anchorman 2, I have concluded he's better when having fun in small doses than when actually singing. Please: more cameos, less singles.

Headlines A-Cumin'

Some news stories are surreal, and others just happen in Florida. This is the latter.

First, the headline:

Already, your brain should be doing rounds imagining the adultery, and you should be thinking ''man, people in Florida, just... man!''

But wait, there's more:

When your wife catches you blowing a dude on a boat off a Florida nude beach, the correct response is to immediately apologize, and, once the situation has cooled, have a frank, open conversation about sexuality. Not recommended: throwing her off of the back of your jet ski and leaving her for dead.

Uh huh. Yeah. Please go on...

Michael Doster was arrested for domestic battery in Passage Key, Florida after his wife Pamela discovered him in an intimate moment with another man on a boat near the popular nude beach (he and the man were allegedly performing oral sex on each other, the Daily Mail reports). The couple allegedly began arguing whilst atop a Sea-Doo, and Doster threw his wife off the vehicle four separate times. Pamela Doster refused to re-board after hitting her head on the final toss, so her husband left her on a sandbar.

''Refused to re-board''. As in, uh, ''was fucking unconscious''.

I can just imagine the couple's friends getting up in the morning to read that news... wondering if their reaction was more ''WHAT?'', or ''oh, huh, it happened''...

Soccer To Me

I haven't watched a single second of World Cup play this year. I'm not bragging, nor complaining; I just didn't care. Unlike the vast majority of the planet, I can no longer get passionate about sports played with round balls - be they soccer/football, basketball, baseball, golf... Tennis I can sort of get into once in a while, but never a whole week, and just the women's game, because most of them play a well-rounded game, not just based on one or two skills they dominate with mixed with obvious weaknesses the way the men's game has become.

When it comes to world-class sports, I also have huge problems with the games-behind-the-games, the corruption and politicking that goes on, and the constant exceptions to / breaking of laws, be it temporarily, in the name of someone making billions of dollars. FIFA and the Olympics fit in this, as does Formula 1.

And perhaps it can be blamed on not having my own nation to root for, but I also have a thing against rooting for countries and nations representing man-made borders, usually delimited after useless wars. In hockey, I usually root for Slovakia - a country which attained independence through peace in 1993. I wouldn't be against rooting for their former invaders, the Czechs, if only because they too know what it's like to be owned by others, in their case the Russians. I'd also root for Ireland and Chechnya, I guess, to root for the underdog, but the only country I really feel a bond to is Slovakia, and they usually get eliminated pretty quickly in most competitions.

In any event, I learned that the World Cup final would pit Argentina against Germany, two countries that at this point in history probably house the same number of former Nazis within its borders - which I would estimate as half that of the U.S.

I heard that a couple of weeks ago, one guy bit another guy, and will be suspended for years, but even that didn't put a dent in my spirit; this, however, I may have tuned to watch:

I have no idea what's going on, and I'm guessing Schweinsteiger is German, which would make the other guy Argentinian. But if that's how they break ties nowadays after 100 minutes of tied-game play, I wonder how many turns will be needed until a winner is declared.

And then I assume the camera turns to fans like this one, celebrating:

Free Fappy

With so much fake news around nowadays, and with real news sometimes less believable than any fiction possibly could be, it's increasingly hard to tell which is which. If anything, though, we can praise this piece for either being an unreal piece of double-dipped irony or a well-executed, multiple-tiered work of fiction...

It's a great and hilarious story when told via this post about Arizona Governor Jan Brewer granting a pardon... but I'd rather start chronologically instead. Just because.

So, for starters, there appears to be a Christian anti-masturbation group called Stop Masturbation Now (the website's humour-meets-racism tone should cue us in about this being fiction, but 'Murca bein' 'Murca, you never know). You may laugh at there being such a thing, which is said to be ''federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.''

Secondly, Stop Masturbation Now apparently has a mascot, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Hes, Fappy, as in ''fap fap fap'', the noise the internet says it makes when you self-indulge. Or, as Fappy puts it:

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell - See more at: http://nationalreport.net/fappy-the-dolphin-arrested-for-public-masturbation/#sthash.KAAkxYWM.dpuf

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell.

Or so he was screaming... when he was arrested for jerking off in public. (Irony #1)

He didn't mind going to jail, though, because:

I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love and miss you all. You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.

That's kind of where they lost me, but at least I still found more humour along the way, such as this quote from Lonnie Childs, his boss at Stop Masturbation Now:

Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things. (...) He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. (...) I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!

Of course your tax dollars would go to a religious organization whose main point of contact with kids would, uh, well, make physical contact with kids! That's never led to any trouble - ever!

And so, as a double-dose of irony, comes the story about the Governor's pardon, in a state that rarely gives any. And her comments on the case:

I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision. We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Paul Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.

Again, in a country where Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann can get elected, perhaps some people and elected official really think masturbation is dangerous, and we should really ''think about the kids''...

Also, Horner? Really? And here's what Mr. Horner had to say upon his being pardoned:

This makes Fappy® very happy. To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.

Yes, THE NEXT TIME.

Stay tuned for the sequel!

Happy 4th Of July

Fucking SPVM Cops

At first I thought it was a joke, a photoshop job that made the rounds on social media...

But no, it seems this picture, of an on-duty cop with a nubile young woman on his lap grinding back and forth (he may not have been protecting, but he seemed of service), is real:

Real enough that his employers have taken notice, have told the population (via Twitter!) that an inquiry is underway, and there may (meaning won't) be consequences:

It reads:

We are looking into the matter. We ask witnesses to contact us at our media relations email (so we can try to diffuse the situation).

The person who took the picture actually took a few more which add credence to their story that both on-duty cops took two (allegedly) underage drunk girls in their car, even letting them drive a bit, then had some sexy time in the car before proceeding to enter the young ladies' residence and have more sex there, while being paid by our tax dollars:

So, we thought cops were just standing around looking the other way (or beating kids nearly to death) while our government was fucking us over; turns out, the cops are also fucking us - in the more classic sense. Well, fucking our girls, then fucking us over by not doing it on their own time.

And - again, allegedly - with underage jail bait. Although we all know cops don't go to jail (or even get fired) for even the worst crimes; but these girls'd be jail bait to us normal folk.

I wonder where all the cynicism comes from.

Sochi On Tinder

Two weeks ago, I wrote about how athletes in Sochi had the technological advantage of Tinder to hook and and have athletic sex amongst themselves and use up the 100,000 condoms provided to them on-site.

Well, technology works both ways, and when you mix it up with bad reporting, social media, blogging and the general lack of privacy inherent to our times, what you get is a webpage whose sole reason for existing is to expose the athletes who have used the app, Sochi On Tinder.

Not just that, but it is still being updated today, 4 days after the closing ceremonies, which leads me to believe the Sochi Games were just the beginning of the intrusion into these athletes' lives.

Upon first glance, I was surprised to find that the men were far more likely to take their clothes off and display their goods in their introductory pictures than the ladies, especially considering that 'friending' someone on Tinder is pretty much the equivalent of buying them a drink a decade ago...

There were some disturbing ones, i.e. all of those who show their wedding pictures in their profile pics:

Either AZ Central's 12 News traffic reporter Emma Jade will have some explaining to do when her husband realizes what she likes to do when she's half a world away (she also went to the Beijing, Vancouver and London Games), or she's that good of a reporter, always willing to go under covers for the hard-hitting stories. Pulitzer Prize, anyone?

(See what I did there? I criticized a website for going too far, then did some investigative journalism myself and pushed the envelope a little further, but mine was less voyeuristic and more sleezeball/who-cares-how-many-lives-I-destroy-as-long-as-I-get-to-The-Truth, no-conscience journalism. Pulitzer Prize, anyone?)

(See what I did there? I made the same joke as in the previous paragraph.)

NSFW: Olympic Sex, Sochi Edition

Who knew The Onion could be so accurate not only in their parodies but also reporting non-fiction?


Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other

Of course, not only are Olympians receiving 100,000 condoms  for their two weeks - as usual - this time around, there's also a phone app designed to make matchmaking even more efficient, Tinder. So much so that some athletes, like Jamie Anderson, have had to uninstall it so they could concentrate on their events and win medals.

One thing's for sure, every athlete's spouse who stayed behind at home is probably wondering exactly how much sex is going on... and also secretly hoping never to find out.

Justin Bieber: Not Safe For Life

When it isn't Rob Ford, it's fucking Justin Bieber. Since ''retiring'' a month ago, he has been arrested more times (5) than I know songs of his (1, that Baby thing if it even qualifies as one), and when the cops don't get him on their own, his own friends show the rest of the world just how much of a deranged attention whore he really is:

I mean, she doesn't seem to mind, so I really shouldn't care - and I don't - but isn't Bieber the ''ultra-Christian guy'' who advocates not having sex before marriage? Unless licking tits and anal don't count?

Good morning, by the way, I hope you didn't throw up your breakfast.

Full-Service Mail Truck

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.