Video Of The Week: Donny Osmond

Watch it, go, just remember you're suffering because something amazing will follow:



Let's get this straight, I'm not featuring Donny Osmond's Soldier Of Love video this week because it's any good. It's the most awful thing I've seen in December, and I've watched news footage of murders. Ironically, it's not just bad because it was directed by Michael Bay, it's also terrible because it's late-80s dance pop à la New Kids On The Block (Osmond looks a lot like Jordan Knight here), complete with pretend-tough-guy leather jacket, beautiful models (considering the era) and lyrics that imply Osmond is exactly the opposite of what he is (''You've heard I'm a rebel with a heart of stone / I'm a restless spirit that nobody can own'') and has some measure of what sex is (''Deep in the night / can't get enough'').

Oh, and the keyboard-led ''band'' dressed and combed like The Clash kills me, too. But back to the sex: Osmond has said time and time again that he married a virgin and never cheated on his wife, with whom he is still married. He's only been with one woman, and has never had oral nor anal sex, as per this Howard Stern interview:



Find out more about his youth, his fame, his fall from grace and semi-redemption in this interesting, loaded-yet-complacent hour-long interview with Piers Morgan:



It's actually an interesting story, one that I never would have had the patience to look into had it not been for this 1972 track, Crazy Horses:



This track is fucking heavy, so much so that I never thought a boy band sang and wrote it, but rather pictured tall, bearded men from Sweden (or Tennessee) with guitars shaped like axes, lightning and/or dildos wearing fur with blood still on it from not having washed it after removing the skin off of dead reindeer and foxes. Real fucking Vikings.

Imagine my reaction when I realized The Osmonds were the band who sang it, with Donny at the keyboard making the pre-noize high-pitched whirring signature sound of the almost-heavy metal track about... car pollution. Yeah, that was also a bummer, as I'd originally thought it was about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding from the mountains come to teach humanity a hard lesson. Oh, well, you win some, you lose some, but with Crazy Horses in tow, this one is still all-win.

Meow Meow

My friend The Big E used to do a lot of cocaine. Then he stopped because of his girlfriend. Then he started again once in a while with his best friend. Then his dealer turned him onto Meow Meow, a.k.a. mephedrone, for ''all the effects of coke on your brain, but none of the physical signs (constant rubbing of nose or teeth, for example) nor hangovers''...

He thought he was incognito, but anyone who knows anything about any substance consumption could easily tell he wasn't just drunk when he was on that shit. Except his girlfriend.

Because its recreational usage is still relatively recent, no one knows for sure what long-term effects Meow Meow has on the body, but some - like John Mann, the in-house chemist at Queen's University Belfast - have suggested that because of its similarities to cathenone, it could very well render impotent.

Looks like one 19-year-old British guy didn't want to wait to find out, as he cut off his own penis after stabbing his mother:

After his mother called emergency services to the house in Haywards Heath, West Sussex, he was discovered hanging out of a bedroom window, blood gushing from his groin. Both were rushed to hospital with injuries described as life threatening after the December 29 attack, according to the Mirror. (...) When the police arrived they found him hanging from a window and then discovered he had cut off his penis.

 Denis Leary used to joke about cocaine being a drug that makes your dick soft... looks like its replacement one-upped it on that level too...

Hey kids: drugs are bad... mmmmkay?

Guns Don't Kill People, Kids Do

Did you hear about the 5-year old who killed his sister in Kentucky Tuesday afternoon?

Cumberland County Coroner Gary White identified the girl as Caroline Sparks. He said the children's mother was at home when the shooting occurred, and the gun was a gift the boy received last year.

"It's a Crickett," he said. "It's a little rifle for a kid. ...The little boy's used to shooting the little gun."

White said the gun was kept in a corner, and the family did not realize a shell had been left in it.

He said the shooting will be ruled accidental. "Just one of those crazy accidents," White said.

Read more here: http://www.kentucky.com/2013/04/30/2621458/5-year-old-boy-accidentally-shoots.html#storylink=omni_popular#wgt=pop#storylink=cpy

So to Coroner decided the outcome before the autopsy... seems legit.

For those wondering what a ''rifle for a kid'' looks like, here is a screengrab from the company's website:

It's not the size of the gun that matters, it's the velocity of the bullets, and on all guns, they come out at a speed that can kill. I checked out their website, and nowhere did I find an age requirement for any of these. Yet, G.I. Joes are for ages 5 and up because a kid could choke on... the detachable, plastic guns.

I mean, fuck - can't you get them paint guns until they're 10? What the fuck kind of small, hick county has a Coroner who knows the victim and culprit enough to say such things as "The little boy's used to shooting the little gun"? How used to it was he that he decided pointing it as a 2-year old was a good idea?

But the real criminals are the parents. They're the ones who killed their daughter, by giving a weapon and training a child who could not possibly understand the consequences of not making sure the weapon is unloaded and under lock inside the house.

I don't care if owning guns is a way of life, or if you could be allowed to marry your fucking pistol - a kid, under 10 for sure, under 16 a best, should not own one. You want to train them to shoot, you take them to a firing range, rent a weapon there, go back home alive.

There should be background checks. Not just for owning guns, for having fucking kids.