Post-Party Years Depression

Last Friday, a lady was telling me about a two-year depression she'd gone through, where she wouldn't get out of her room, or see her friends - who were only really trying to help. Time took its toll and she lost track of most of them, only staying close to her family, pretty much.

And so I went home to my smallish apartment, alone, and wrote. And cleaned house, or at least tried to while envisioning myself doing it. And Saturday was much of the same, as was Sunday.

Sunny days, all of them, and I didn't even set foot on either one of my balconies.

My skin is whiter than Casper's - take your pick between the Friendly Ghost or the underhanded-rapist from the movie Kids, both are pretty fucking white, and I'm whiter than either of them. As a matter of fact, my skin colour this year is somewhere at the crossroads of transparent, translucent, green and yellow.

But, yeah. Maybe it's depression, or maybe just a dry spell. I'm always exhausted and have to over-amp myself on caffeine just to stay awake for a couple of hours at a time during the day - and yet I'm still pretty much an insomniac at night.

But I'm thinking about getting creative again. Writing music, blog posts, short stories. I always plow through, and I have no doubt I shall again. It's just that I have to dig so deep to find the motivation that many times it takes up all my energy just to get the will part.

But I'm getting there. Be patient with me, I won't be on this for two years - though funny folks might argue I've been there since 2005.

On the bright side, a homeless man told me ''Jesus loves you'' the other day, but he doesn't know any better. Jesus may or may not love me, but only he knows that; no, Jesus respects me as the improved version of what people thought he was, 2000 years down the evolutionary chain from an imaginary book character.

*for the record, while I may show some signs, I personally think I'm more just ''in a rut'' mixed with an unhealthy dose of procrastination.

I Swear I Won't Let 2014 Become 2012

By that, of course, I mean contend for the title of ''worst year of my life''. It's not too late to jump off the train and head somewhere else, and I guess that starts in early April, when I move yet again (this time, solo).

It won't be easy, especially financially, but it needs to be made.

It's unfortunate that the people who treat me the best are so far away (Calgary, Banff, Mexico, NYC) and I feel disconnected and taken advantage of and double-crossed a lot in this City I feel less and less at home in, but am legally bound to remain in until what is now June 2015 (part of my new lease... on life?), though there are ways around that.

You kind of have to feel dumb following the advice of an internet meme, but for the second time in little more than a year:

And when I realized I did, I fucked the hell off. No more being sucked in, no more innocent-bystander shit ruining my health and life.

That Moment It Dawns On You...

... that of all the characters on any TV show of all time, you are not Batman, Sherlock Holmes or Jack Bauer.

You're not Joey from friends, not even Joey Donovan or Joey Russo (both characters played by Joey Lawrence, I guess he can't act a first name), and you sure as fuck aren't Uncle Joey. At least you're not Joey Buttafuoco.

But, no, you're George Constanza, the biggest selfish loser prick of the 1990s.

And it's not just your shitty luck, your growing a belly and/or receding hairline, but more related to the fact that even though you've seen every Seinfeld episode dozens of times, you start seeing George act in his relationships or actions in regards to other people and tell yourself ''I would also have reacted that way'' or, worse, ''that was the only reasonable way to react''.

Which means you're fucked. And you will never get fucked again.

My Life Is A Thrill-Kill

Life. It's bigger. It's bigger than you, but you are not me. (from R.E.M.'s Losing My Religion)

Meaningless words to some, words to live by for others. To me, words that pop up in my head when I'm going through confusing, exciting, or troubling times. Words that entered my mind again as I sit in the wee hours of the morning, nary a whimper of light in the night sky.

Today will be Wednesday. Hump Day - as if the road we travel meets a hill, and we're curious to see what's on the other side. More often than not, though, our measly excuses for an existence is just looking to bypass any surprise and satisfy itself with the mundane for the little rest we'll get to forget what we've become. In the words of Loverboy, ''Everybody's working for the weekend''. But the second part of that chorus also rings true to the vast majority: ''Everybody's going off the deep end''. Like they require extreme behaviour to justify their week-long confinement to a cubicle.

Our ancestors made the most sense. They actually journeyed from one place to another, and over that actual hump was an actual event waiting to happen.

I was already tired of the weekly drag, but playing Grant Theft Auto 5 (GTA V) of late, the latest installment from my favourite video games series that doesn't compare to some of the better titles, has made me hate the world we live in even more: spend 70 bucks to end up pretend-driving cars in traffic, and execute jaw-dropping tasks and missions such as parachute diving, jogging, riding bikes, manning a tow-truck and carrying cars from their location to the impound, driving a garbage truck... or just driving around listening to an annoying, poorly-scripted character whose sole use is to get you to your next ''mission''.

Ha, ''mission''. Might as well resort to spreading the word of Jesus door-to-door and only have sex in one position. If there was sex to be had.

My Life was on the upswing. Seems like it's stalling now. No time available, yet no time to waste. Something's got to give.

Life Lessons #12 & 35

Everyone you know will let you down.

Family - siblings, parents, children. Relatives. By not showing up, by fighting over feeble matters, by looking after themselves.

Friends - best or otherwise - or mere acquaintances, by missing your birthday, neglecting to keep in touch, generally not caring about your well-being beyond the ''how's it going? Hope you're doing well!'' portion of communication.

Your spouse, through lies, things untold, cheating on you with an old, bald, toothless guy or worse - a Bruno Mars-looking motherfucker you always think of when a shitty song plays on the radio or TV (or a Madonna lookalike for girls, which encompasses all of these adjectives).

Strangers will let you down.

Sports teams, athletes, entertainers. Idols.

Politicians pretty much get paid for letting you down.

Things will let you down, too: your car, your TV, public transit, piping systems, air conditioners, your computer, your phone.

What's important, what matters most, is how you're going to deal with it, the amount of bullshit you're willing to put up from each of those sources before you snap and kick them to the curb, always keeping in mind we only have one life, we never know when it's going to end for any of us (unless someone takes matters into their own hands), and it's best to be with people you love/enjoy/appreciate than with people you hate - or alone.

It's normal not to have the same level of tolerance to the bullshit for everyone: I'll forgive my brother or woman (not that I would 'own' the woman, just the one I'd be with at the time) a lot more crap than I would someone I see once a year or less.

But you can't hold a grudge with someone for a long time if it's for something stupid (say, someone didn't return a book you lent them), you have to pick your battles. Especially for one that threatens to have you never see that person again.

On the other hand, life isn't a fucking slogan, either. Sayings like this one piss me off to the extreme (as Vanilla Ice would say):

Because people can let you down even if you don't ''put yourself in that position'', even if you have no fucking expectations towards them, just because they're fucking human beings and that's what we do - we think of #1, or we don't think at all. It's the nature of the beast.

I know, the Holidays are a time to celebrate, be festive, happy, but it's also a time where those who don't have the means to share and spend time with others become sadder and more depressed than ever; the poor remain poor, the needy are still in need. And the betrayed remain stabbed in the back. I'm just thinking of them today.

Goodbye Movember

It was good while it lasted.

Especially for this guy:

December/winter/depression starts in 5 minutes...

Rejoice, My Friends

I was a bit sad, maybe even borderline depressed when the Habs lost the game 6-5 last night, after holding a 4-1 lead to start the third period.

Then I remembered that there are other things, perhaps even more important things in life than sports, especially when other people are doing the playing for you.

And right away, I started my quest to feel better, looking for something that was mood-changing.

I found it, and I'm sharing it with you.

You're welcome.

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