R.I.P. Cassandra Lynn Hensley

(reposted from my collectibles blog)

R.I.P. Cassandra Lynn Hensley, who died two nights ago following an evening where cocaine and champagne were consumed after a time of not feeling well. She was 34 and leaves behind a daughter.

I didn't know the February 2006 Playboy Playmate Of The Month, but I do know models who did, and this has come as a shock to two of them in particular.

Her Twitter account still updates with her automatic daily horoscope, and the one published just hours after her death turns out to be eerie in retrospect:

Unspoken obligations prevent you from doing what you wish today. No matter what you do now, you might not feel completely fulfilled. Working harder isn't the answer, but neither is escape.

As a tribute, here is a card I got in a box of Benchwarmer's 2006 Holiday cards, an autographed insert (#15 of 16):

Meow Meow

My friend The Big E used to do a lot of cocaine. Then he stopped because of his girlfriend. Then he started again once in a while with his best friend. Then his dealer turned him onto Meow Meow, a.k.a. mephedrone, for ''all the effects of coke on your brain, but none of the physical signs (constant rubbing of nose or teeth, for example) nor hangovers''...

He thought he was incognito, but anyone who knows anything about any substance consumption could easily tell he wasn't just drunk when he was on that shit. Except his girlfriend.

Because its recreational usage is still relatively recent, no one knows for sure what long-term effects Meow Meow has on the body, but some - like John Mann, the in-house chemist at Queen's University Belfast - have suggested that because of its similarities to cathenone, it could very well render impotent.

Looks like one 19-year-old British guy didn't want to wait to find out, as he cut off his own penis after stabbing his mother:

After his mother called emergency services to the house in Haywards Heath, West Sussex, he was discovered hanging out of a bedroom window, blood gushing from his groin. Both were rushed to hospital with injuries described as life threatening after the December 29 attack, according to the Mirror. (...) When the police arrived they found him hanging from a window and then discovered he had cut off his penis.

 Denis Leary used to joke about cocaine being a drug that makes your dick soft... looks like its replacement one-upped it on that level too...

Hey kids: drugs are bad... mmmmkay?

Drugs And Christmas. Elf Edition

Sam Briggs is at it again.

He'd taken drugs then gone to work as a public servant before, and this time he's back as a gift-wrapping shopping mall elf, high on cocaine, LSD and Ketamine:



The Ketamine skit is both the longest-seeming and funniest, a dichotomy that represents the whole ''experiment'' very well.

Rob Ford Re-Enacted

Are Zombies Here Yet?

The news gets weirder and weirder every day. A man in Florida was shot dead while eating another man's face...

Key quote:

Now it's one thing to eat another person, and it's quite another to eat another person and then continue eating after you've been shot. Witnesses claim the officer fired half a dozen shots before the attacker finally stopped.

The cops think the assailant might have been high on cocaine; I say crystal meth might be another thought to consider.
 Or, you know... ZOMBIES.

Cocaine Babies (Revisited)

It was already a fact that most currency (dollar bills, not so much small change) contains trace amounts of cocaine. Many studies confirm it, many times over.

Now, we learn that British public baby changing tables are also full of them, whether they be in malls, restaurants, hospitals, churches, even... police stations.

Ah, yes. Either the ''so close they won't see it'' theory, or the ''they're all corrupt'' point of view. Still, it sure takes a fucking cokehead to use a babies' changing table instead of the side of a sink, or a hooker's tits.

Best comment so far?

I cut off the middleman and snort it directly on the baby.

Charlie Sheen: Still Winning!

First, a recap: in case you haven't heard, Charlie Sheen, is definitely winning, as evidenced in this video:

Now for new news about his winning habits: he can't get Mila Kunis out of his head and wants her to come over and steal his shit! Radar Online and The Superficial report. And I quote:

“Here’s the good news – my goddesses have already fucking approved her. She’s pre-approved!” Sheen said. “I would have great tolerance for many missing items provided it involves Mila fucking Kunis: If Mila Kunis is stealing your shit , trust me, you’re still fucking winning, you’re still winning at that moment.
I’m going to go on her Facebook page and discover her likes… I’m going to buy them all and then she can come steal them. A super fucking hot thief named Mila Kunis. Mila, please, we we have a warehouse full of your favorite shit to steal.”

So I guess that proves his Goddesses are stealing his shit all the time. Or he's fucking nuts. It has to prove something. The existence of God, maybe?

Oh, and let me ask you this - who's crazier: Charlie Sheen taking his act on fucking tour and rambling on for an hour in each town, or those who pay $50-250 a ticket to attend and fuel his crack habit?

My conclusion/thoughts? Believe it or not, Sheen actually is winning.

Crackheads And Coke Dick

There are so many junkies smoking crack in the emergency exit at my workplace that the second-hand smoke emanates from the stairs; it's like the day after a Great White concert.

Every time I use those stairs and walk through it, I have Coke Dick when I get home.

I guess I'll start to blame my work for my decrease in libido.

Mitch Hedberg - Do You Believe in Gosh

A friend of mine brought me this today. Mitch Hedberg - if you've never heard his comedy before, do yourself a favour and buy his three records, and watch videos of him on YouTube. He was so fucking funny. It's a shame he couldn't live without drugs; cocaine and heroin are what eventually took him away.

At first (10 years ago, maybe?) I was thrown off by his speech pattern, it was like a Southern accent mixed with an ''I'm reading out loud but never learned to read as a child'' factor, kinda like Bernie Mac, but actually funny. But the minute I got used to it, he was just that much funnier.

Fuck, you've got me: I'll listen to every Hedberg album today!