When Florida, Hockey, And Stupidity Collide

I know I write about hockey a lot, be it here, on my Collectibles blog, on Facebook, or even on Twitter. I also call out stupid people a lot, particularly when it comes to methheads and/or Floridians, which oftentimes are one and the same.

Here's a case of mixing it up: a player for the Florida Everblades in the ECHL (the third-world of North American pro hockey after the NHL and the AHL), Justin Agosta, was arrested for arson a couple of weeks ago... for a fire that started when he poured gasoline on pictures of his girlfriend and got out of control when he tried to kill it with water and a towel.

Kids, here's a fun science tip: water doesn't stop gasoline fire, it spreads the gasoline out so it can burn more things. Yay, science!

15 Years For Public Sex?

So a Florida couple (of course) couldn't control their urges and had a 25-minute sex session on the beach, mid-afternoon, in plain view of onlookers who didn't do anything to stop them.

A grandmother was appalled because her grandkids started asking her questions, and instead of answering their questions and teaching the brats about Life and shit - or just taking them somewhere else and/or telling them to look away - got on her phone and filmed the thing.

Now, the two amateur porn stars face 15 years in jail.

So let me get this straight: killing an unarmed Black man doesn't even warrant a charge pressed against you.

Filming someone else having sex isn't a breach of privacy? And sharing the tape with the cops and the internet isn't spreading illegal material?

Meanwhile, in California, a pastor will get no more than 4 months for molesting a 9-year-old girl... multiple times.

Let that sink in.

Murder? Fine.

Rape and abuse of power? Fine.

Doing what God intended us to do so we survive as a species? A quarter of your life in jail.

For ''lewd and lascivious exhibition'', in a state where there might be more strippers than Nevada.

It's a wonder you've lasted this long, Mur'ca.

Florida Officials Dumber Than Their Constituents

In this article from the Miami Herald, we learn that Florida officials have banned the use of the phrases ''climate change'' and ''global warming'' from any official communication - emails, letters, spoken.

Doesn't sound like they're fully confident they're on the right side of the issue if they have to start banning words to continue getting their non-point across.

Furthermore:

The policy goes beyond semantics and has affected reports, educational efforts and public policy in a department with about 3,200 employees and $1.4 billion budget.

“We were told not to use the terms ‘climate change,’ ‘global warming’ or ‘sustainability,’” said Christopher Byrd, an attorney with the DEP’s Office of General Counsel in Tallahassee from 2008 to 2013. “That message was communicated to me and my colleagues by our superiors in the Office of General Counsel.”

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/state/florida/article12983720.html#storylink=cpy

Kind of makes you long for the good old days of stupid Florida news being about an idiot on bath salts locking himself up in a police jail to escape the demons in his head.

What's With Florida?

No, I mean, like, seriously. Why do the weird small-print news that used to be a thing in remote locations and cabin-in-the-woods places now happen in Florida more than any other places combined?

Is it the water? The sharks? The failing sports teams? The douchebag sex clubs in Miami? The drugs?

Well, drugs might be an issue, yeah. For couples who lock themselves in a closet for days at a time with crack pipes and end up shitting in metal pans. For men who look like rockers from the 1970s wanting to smoke crack in a hospital. For those who merely smoke pot in the maternity ward. For men impersonating cops at the International House Of Pancakes who end up flashing/mooning employees when they don't get free food. For people who bite their neighbours' ears off for not giving them a cigarette.

For those who run for mayor while their court case for beating a drag queen with a tiki torch while wearing a KKK outfit is still pending resolution. For those who try to avoid their time in court by claiming they have ebola. For those who butt-dial 911 while cooking meth with their mom and have the nerve to think the cops are watching them. For those who get stuck inside vending machines.

For men who claim holograms kidnapped their wives (when she's actually just off drunk at a relative's). For men who try to rob a delivery man not just for his cash but also pizza and chicken wings. For men who attack family members over undercooked noodles. For men who think calling 911 will get them answers regarding their tax returns. For those who commit murder over a card collection. For those who confuse hot dogs with real dogs. For those who, when the ice cream man refuses to take their fake $20 bill, pull a gun on him.

For those who pee on rugs then make a big stink when they're kicked out of the house (especially if it really tied the room together). For those who get caught stealing 36,000 pounds of Crisco. For those who mistake a convenience store rooftop they're trying to steal from with where their family lives. For those who punch 80-year-old men at restaurants. Or the corrections officers who never noticed a convict escaping to buy beer - then his own trying to smuggle it back in prison.

For sex-related thieving such as stealing a Jenna Jameson sex doll, or stealing 850 pairs of underwear from Victoria's Secret, or insisting on showing their sex tape to a jury in court, or masturbating in a McDonald's parking lot, or soliciting an undercover police officer for sex in exchange for $3 and a chicken meal, or busting down a wall to steal $300 worth of sex toys from an adult store, or just the general naked sword-wielders.

For those who call 911 to complain that the cop who is writing them a ticket is too slow (then getting jailed for misusing 911). For those who throw chairs at the mailman when they don't get any mail. For the elderly (yet funny) racists. For those who decide to build their paramilitary neo-nazi war compound right next to Disney World. For people who throw dead bodies in the trash. For people who propose to their girlfriends using baby alligators (and the girlfriend being happier about the gator than the ring). For those who think a welding grinder is the right tool to scrape a tattoo off their face. For the delusional ones who not only think they're blood relatives of former Presidents, but that it means they own land and/or the country and gives them special privileges.

For elected officials who think state education tests make kids gay and/or LGBT-friendly.

I mean, I get those related to crack and meth. But the rest of them, the ignorant and profoundly stupid - there is no excuse for that shit in 2015. I understand that having no state tax means the public education system is pretty much zero/dead/non-existent. But still, this is taking it (way) too far.

Still, it's probably a better place than Canada if Stephen Harper gets re-elected later this year.

Headlines A-Cumin'

Some news stories are surreal, and others just happen in Florida. This is the latter.

First, the headline:

Already, your brain should be doing rounds imagining the adultery, and you should be thinking ''man, people in Florida, just... man!''

But wait, there's more:

When your wife catches you blowing a dude on a boat off a Florida nude beach, the correct response is to immediately apologize, and, once the situation has cooled, have a frank, open conversation about sexuality. Not recommended: throwing her off of the back of your jet ski and leaving her for dead.

Uh huh. Yeah. Please go on...

Michael Doster was arrested for domestic battery in Passage Key, Florida after his wife Pamela discovered him in an intimate moment with another man on a boat near the popular nude beach (he and the man were allegedly performing oral sex on each other, the Daily Mail reports). The couple allegedly began arguing whilst atop a Sea-Doo, and Doster threw his wife off the vehicle four separate times. Pamela Doster refused to re-board after hitting her head on the final toss, so her husband left her on a sandbar.

''Refused to re-board''. As in, uh, ''was fucking unconscious''.

I can just imagine the couple's friends getting up in the morning to read that news... wondering if their reaction was more ''WHAT?'', or ''oh, huh, it happened''...

Florida Mayor Arrested for Dealing Oxycodone

When articles begin with a punchline - and you're the butt of it - you've sunken pretty low. Except in this case, I'm not sure of it's just Rob Ford or the whole city of Toronto who are ridiculed:

Hey, Toronto, we see your crack-smoking mayor with a coke-snorting congressman, and raise you a hillbilly heroin-dealing mayor. (...)

Upon announcing the arrest, the local sheriff couldn't help but take a shot at Rob Ford, either.

"This isn't Toronto. We will not tolerate illegal drug activity, in my jurisdiction, by anyone, to include our elected officials," Polk County Sheriff Gordon Smith said in a news release posted on his department's Facebook page.

So thank you, Barry Layne Moore, mayor of Hampton, Florida, for entertaining the masses while Ford's in rehab... and for looking the part, too:

Right out of Grand Theft Auto V.