15 Years For Public Sex?

So a Florida couple (of course) couldn't control their urges and had a 25-minute sex session on the beach, mid-afternoon, in plain view of onlookers who didn't do anything to stop them.

A grandmother was appalled because her grandkids started asking her questions, and instead of answering their questions and teaching the brats about Life and shit - or just taking them somewhere else and/or telling them to look away - got on her phone and filmed the thing.

Now, the two amateur porn stars face 15 years in jail.

So let me get this straight: killing an unarmed Black man doesn't even warrant a charge pressed against you.

Filming someone else having sex isn't a breach of privacy? And sharing the tape with the cops and the internet isn't spreading illegal material?

Meanwhile, in California, a pastor will get no more than 4 months for molesting a 9-year-old girl... multiple times.

Let that sink in.

Murder? Fine.

Rape and abuse of power? Fine.

Doing what God intended us to do so we survive as a species? A quarter of your life in jail.

For ''lewd and lascivious exhibition'', in a state where there might be more strippers than Nevada.

It's a wonder you've lasted this long, Mur'ca.

Free Fappy

With so much fake news around nowadays, and with real news sometimes less believable than any fiction possibly could be, it's increasingly hard to tell which is which. If anything, though, we can praise this piece for either being an unreal piece of double-dipped irony or a well-executed, multiple-tiered work of fiction...

It's a great and hilarious story when told via this post about Arizona Governor Jan Brewer granting a pardon... but I'd rather start chronologically instead. Just because.

So, for starters, there appears to be a Christian anti-masturbation group called Stop Masturbation Now (the website's humour-meets-racism tone should cue us in about this being fiction, but 'Murca bein' 'Murca, you never know). You may laugh at there being such a thing, which is said to be ''federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.''

Secondly, Stop Masturbation Now apparently has a mascot, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Hes, Fappy, as in ''fap fap fap'', the noise the internet says it makes when you self-indulge. Or, as Fappy puts it:

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell - See more at: http://nationalreport.net/fappy-the-dolphin-arrested-for-public-masturbation/#sthash.KAAkxYWM.dpuf

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell.

Or so he was screaming... when he was arrested for jerking off in public. (Irony #1)

He didn't mind going to jail, though, because:

I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love and miss you all. You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.

That's kind of where they lost me, but at least I still found more humour along the way, such as this quote from Lonnie Childs, his boss at Stop Masturbation Now:

Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things. (...) He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. (...) I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!

Of course your tax dollars would go to a religious organization whose main point of contact with kids would, uh, well, make physical contact with kids! That's never led to any trouble - ever!

And so, as a double-dose of irony, comes the story about the Governor's pardon, in a state that rarely gives any. And her comments on the case:

I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision. We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Paul Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.

Again, in a country where Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann can get elected, perhaps some people and elected official really think masturbation is dangerous, and we should really ''think about the kids''...

Also, Horner? Really? And here's what Mr. Horner had to say upon his being pardoned:

This makes Fappy® very happy. To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.

Yes, THE NEXT TIME.

Stay tuned for the sequel!

And In The Weird Crime Section

Montréal police are looking for an unusual type of criminal these days... a man who, uh, specializes in the theft of women's underwear.

He steals them when they're hanging to dry and, more often than not, goes back to the crime scene and deposits an envelope containing explicit pictures of him and the stolen lingerie. He seems to have a preference for women in their fifties or sixties - or takes what he can get in his comfort zone, comprised of Jeanne-Mance, Saint-Urbain, Legendre and the Metropolitan.

He has that kind of familiar face, like one of my friends (sorry, Kevin), or one of those cheesy French-language comedians, be it Billy Tellier or another of his generation that I can never differentiate either by their looks or their content. I guess if you have any information, you could call the cops at 514-393-1133...

Let's Talk About Sex With Minors

I can't help but feel this whole thing is greatly exaggerated, that the lady interviewed in this video is over-reacting way too much, and that the only concern I have with a 32-year old woman fucking a 14-year old boy is where they do it - and a public restroom is not the place for it. Perhaps she was just begging to get caught.

Or just stupid.

In any event, in my country, for most of my life, the age of consent was 14. It was raised to 16 recently, but as a former 14-year old, I remember sex was probably always on my mind and, luckily, proper sex education made it so that when I actually got the chance to partake in the activity a year later, I was kind of prepared for everything except how it would feel. We had condoms, she was older, experienced and on the pill, and it took place in the safety of my parents' home.

And kids today are doing it way younger than we ever did, so that kid was probably already no longer ''innocent''.

It's a far fucking cry from a guy roaming around an elementary school with fucking candy is what I'm saying.

Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Again, I feel I need to specify: I respect (good) cops, come from a family full of them. Two families, in fact, on both my mom's and my dad's sides.

And that is exactly why when one of them commits a heinous fucking crime, it needs to be told to the public and why I once put forth the proposition that policemen should receive double the sentence of a civilian when they commit crimes, once for the crime itself and once more for disrespecting the uniform and corroding the public's confidence in its institutions. Same goes for politicians, although we'd need to build a shitload more new prisons to keep those fat cats locked up.

This story will shock you throughout your fucking soul: a woman called 911 after having one of her windows smashed by a brick, and the cop who came raped her. Key moment:

She now stood on a floor littered with broken glass and pointed to the brick. The cop she had summoned to protect her instead chose this moment to grab the back of her head by her hair and sodomize her. Then he raped her.

Sounds like a scene from Straw Dogs. But with a dirty cop named Ladmarald Cates instead of a dude from True Blood. He was found guilty and could face up to Life in prison. Good start; let the inmates take it from there.

Someone Please Explain To Me...

Who the fuck is Courtney Stodden? And why does it matter what she wears?

I should have left it alone, I really should have... but here is what I've learned through 5 seconds of Google:

Alright. So she’s a 17 year-old aspiring model/actress/singer. Like so many others.

Except she’s been married to small-time actor Doug Hutchison (small roles in The Green Mile and 24, played ''plane door opener'' in the 2000 remake of Shaft…), who is 51. since she was 16. Uh-huh, yeah: gross.

But the dude has morals: he refused to play in a movie that would cast him as a director who starts banging his underage actress in The Genesis Of Lincoln. Classy move, no?

But at least Courtney looks 37.

Still, a nobody actor and a nobody actress walk down a street, and people are focusing on what they’re wearing? Why? Who gives a fuck? And why does it make it onto the fucking news?

Where is this world headed, and how can we make the extinction of mankind happen any faster?

How To Abuse Trust. And Children.

Yet another proof that there's often a treacherous, filthy reason behind Conservatives - particularly Republican-voting or -inspired - ''helping out'' or passing ridiculous, over-reaching laws: a former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky is accused of raping 8 boys between 1994 and 2009, through his charity for ''at risk'' kids The Second Mile.

The ''beauty'' of raping an ''at risk'' kid is that if it all goes to shit and only this kid goes to the authorities, it can be wiped under the rug, as the ''troubled teen'' is up against the ''respected elder gentleman'' in a battle over whose word is to be believed. The pervert usually wins.

But when it comes to 8, and no one took the allegations seriously enough to investigate deeper, all involved in the cover-up get treated the same way as the pedophile. And rightly so. And then it goes to court, and it's Hell to pay.

Which means one bad apple can ruin all of his victims' lives, his family (say, if he's married with kids of his own), and the lives and careers of those who stood up for and defended him. That's a lot to fucking answer for. Don't these selfish fucking scumbags realize they're ruining everybody's fucking lives?

I keep telling myself Sandusky is innocent until proven guilty. But when he is found guilty, I'll find myself wishing he'll be locked up with other sexual abusers, and maybe they can help each other out, either by sorting their issues through council - or, perhaps more probably, by fucking each other to death.

But these stories are becoming routine, which in turn makes me doubt the motivations behind everyone's moves in Society, question their honesty, their integrity, look for a dark, hidden meaning behind the appearance of a good deed. And that's not even getting into those in a similar position of power (politics, religion) who use ideology to cleanse the world of what they publicly call ''sinners'' when they, themselves, are far worse than what they aim to outlaw.

Call me cynical, but I'm starting to believe I'm the only one human being who isn't broken, morally. I know that, technically, good people can do bad things and vice versa, that, in general, We Are The 99% That Aren't Too Fucked In The Head. I just fail to see it in Life.

Funny Religious Signs

This website showcases some very funny double-entendre church signs for you to ponder. And some definite single-entendre ones that are just as entertaining.

Here are a few examples:

You're welcome.

Teenagers And Sex (And Teachers And Lawyers)

Ok, we've heard the story a million times: a teacher has sex with a student, goes to jail. More and more, the teacher is female and the student is male. You can see pictures of many of them here; most are good-looking, one was even married to the school's principal (and it seems the student forced himself onto her, but she's the one who did jail time, proving it's about time we have a second look at how these 'child molestation' laws are written in the first place).

The most recent case is Melinda Dennehy, a former New Hampshire high school teacher who didn't sleep with a kid, but emailed him nude pictures, some even ''with her genitals exposed''... oh my!

There's an older column from a place I'd never heard of before called Associated Content, in which Sylvia Cochran writes:

Prior to joining the ranks of bad teachers, Melinda Dennehy stands accused of sending an x-rated photo of herself to a child. She is now on leave with pay. With pay?

There are so many things wrong with those two sentences, and most of them are in its writer's mindset. First off, where is it said in ''woman sends picture to kid'' that the person isn't good at their job? Is a driver a bad driver when he has an accident? Would that mean drivers who haven't been in any are de facto good? And then when someone is ''accused'' (yes, I know, she pleaded guilty today, but this article is dated from March) of something, their whole livelihood is taken away? What if she hadn't pleaded guilty? Or what if it was a plea bargain, and she chose that (a misdemeanor, by the way, sending pictures) instead of something else because fuckers in the media have already made her to be a monster in that case and her name has been smeared as a teacher anyway?

In this case, she sent a kid nude pics. The kid then proceeded to send them to his friends (who seemed to like them), and they made the rounds. The kid should not walk away from this scott-free: he was a minor, in possession of porn, and distributing said porn to other minors. Isn't that an offense - or two - too?

This whole case is fucked, and it was allowed to go to court, with at least one lawyer on each side, a judge, and police showing evidence.

Meanwhile, hard drugs are rampant in the streets, bankers are stealing billions of dollars from their customers, multinational companies are ruining our water supplies inland (i.e. what we need to live) and killing everything in the ocean, and kids are dying in wars overseas where half the people they themselves shoot at are civilians they can't tell apart from the bad guys.

Surely the U.S. Supreme Court decision to reverse the Chicago gun ban will strike balance in the world - oh, wait, cops keep dying in Chicago since May.

All of this makes me lean towards a simpler world - make everything legal, except 'harming others' and 'stealing'. Let the rest sort itself out. Boy, am I glad I was 20 by the time I started fucking my teachers. Although I did lose my virginity at 15, with a chick who was 19. I should report her.

Seen On Facebook

A Group to keep sex offenders off the internet...

Why?

First of all, you did your time, you paid for your crime.

Then there's the matter of keeping a record on the bastards, and having neighbours point at them and put their picture up all over town. Oh, I understand their crimes brings pain to families and individuals, but it just doesn't make all that much sense to me that we don't do that shit with murderers and mobsters and money launderers who have many more victims and notches on their belts. But that's a story/debate for another day anyway.

So... What I want to understand is why we must keep those Life Abusers off the internet... wouldn't you rather have them surf porn sites all day and masturbate and get it out of their system, or do you want those fuckers walking outside looking under women's dresses at the grocery store, wandering in school yards and basketball courts, showing their penis in public transit?

If anything, give them free internet, with subscriptions to all the porn sites. Keep them indoors with imaginary chicks, cut off their MSN feeds and such so they can't contact kids, but keep their asses, eyes and dicks glued to the screen.