Pen Apple Pineapple Pen

In my last days of subscribing to cable, I used to watch hockey, Comedy Network (The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Nightly Show, @Midnight) and the toddlers' channel, whatever it's called, where it's basically just sounds and colours 24 hours a day. Way too much of that channel, probably, particularly for someone who doesn't smoke weed.

It seemed like something that wasn't saying anything wasn't as stupid as whatever else was on TV.

This would probably not have been out of place on that network:

AC/DC For One Second

Moments like what you're about to hear are what the internet was made for: every last second/chord of every AC/DC song ever recorded:


Tell me if you think you see a trend...

If it ain't broke...

Open Letter To Men

Guys. Dicks, obviously.

Those who act like dicks, anyway. We're fed up with your shit. And by we, sure, I can easily mean the 85% of the population that isn't you. But I mean ''we'' more specifically as well, as in ''those of us men who aren't fucking assholes''.

I'm not an idiot. I know places like 4chan are just a haven for dumb bullying, bravado, and one-upping one another on the ''hardest'' shit one can come up with, and most of it is posturing and done in ''trolling good fun''.

Most people do.

Did.

What the fuck, man?

Do you really need to cross the line every fucking time? You do realize that by doing that, while you're masturbating in your parents' basements about making girls cry or whatever it is that turns you on in that shit, you're lumping the rest of us in your stupidity?

When the story about a girl getting into a fight with a guy who was too drunk and horny and didn't take ''no'' for an answer at my favourite bar (Casa Del Popolo) broke last week, I tried telling people to take a deep breath, assess the situation, not lump all their shit together into one, too easy issue, especially when some of them were making associations with Roosh V being in town recently and linking them, as if a drunk person needed inspiration to be rowdy and out of bounds and/or antagonizers needed inspiration for their bullshit.

The girl's speech was bordering too much on the ''all guys are assholes'' terrain, reminiscent of shitty after-school specials where a guy would typically become a racist and hate all black people because of one asshole who probably deservedly stole his girlfriend. Or whatever - you know the cliché.

But you fucking fuckers.

You motherfucking cock-brained idiots had to go and add fuel to the fucking fire.

And now you've got her pissed off, blind with rage and disappointment in mankind, and she has a fucking platform and people's attention to say things like:

''We do need to look at the comments. They are representative of the darkest corners of humanity that exist beyond the internet. People need to know this is real. These are real people walking around in our daily lives; the guy sitting next to you on the metro, the person you call for your internet tech support, the branch manager at your bank. It could be that cute boy you have a crush on in your class, or that self-proclaimed “nice guy” you just started dating. These are real people typing these things on their keyboards and they represent our real-life problems regarding violence against women.''

And it doesn't come from a bad place. She's wrong to lump all of us with you assholes, and hopefully she will see that in time - but you brought it on us. And in the meantime, that's a message that's getting attention. That's going to fuck the world we all (men, women, boys, girls, whatever lies in between and encompasses both) live in for a little while, because you fuckers couldn't stop yourselves from piling it on ON A FUCKING KID.

Okay, now to the rest of us who aren't worse than cancer and AIDS put together:

I've said it before and I'll say it again: at this point, I'm not certain our society can be repaired and sort itself out the way it is. If tomorrow, everyone had the same rights, same wages for the same jobs, same advantages, no more race or gender or anything, it wouldn't be enough because many feel they've been wronged for too long that equality isn't enough. And I don't blame them, though that'll be the subject of another - probably much longer - post. But the solution lies with starting anew. New or no borders, new or no systems, new or no laws. Simplification, not more loopholes: don't mess with others or their shit.

In the grand scheme of things, many have been wronged and most Peoples are a victim of something, of someone, at least in their narrative. Except probably the British and their direct descendants.

In the girl's fight last week, she witnessed a guy hitting on too many women, then herself, and concluded he was a ''pick-up artist'' and decided he deserved to have a drink poured on him to make him stop. She still feels this was fair punishment, while I tend to want to use the same weapons for attack as defense, that's fine, it didn't harm anyone physically and got her point across.

He then allegedly choked her, after which she broke a pint of beer (glass) over his head, making him bleed profusely.

I feel this escalated way too quickly, for one, and the dude did, indeed go way overboard by initiating physical contact, and she slit his head open, which is deserved retaliation at this point.

This was a fight.

I wasn't there, but from those details, which are from her exact deposition and account of the event, that's all it was. A disagreement that turned physical, because a guy went overboard and a girl reacted.

Grand scheme of things? Misogyny? I don't see it. I see a system that isn't working for women, that isn't equal though it's written to be, I see more men with loud voices getting their message(s) across than women and some of them do not treat women with respect (though I see - slow - progress in pop culture diversification though much of it seems contrived and doesn't necessarily always fit the proper narrative); we're in a ''freedom of speech'' society where, if it's done within certain boundaries and not inciting to behaviour, this is acceptable - BOTH WAYS. Person A can be an ass, Person B can call them out for it. Person A is allowed to think a certain way, Person B is allowed to fully disagree.

We do need to grow the fuck up as a species. Not just be civilized, that's a given - and shit, when some people are, it's so rare nowadays that it makes the fucking news -  but also, get rid of our persecution complex.

We're in 2015. You are bigger than your skin colour, your race, your sexual orientation, your gender, your preferences, your tastes. YOU HAVE AN IDENTITY. YOU ARE ONE. You do not need to represent anyone other than yourself, we're aware of most of what's out there, we're fine with it, count your vote as your own.

I may love you for who you are; why can't I hate you for who you are?

Do you know WHY 4chan fuckers say the things they say? Because they know words can destroy you, when, really, they shouldn't. LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ASK YOURSELF WHO YOU ARE. When in doubt, ask folks around you. What defines you?

If something that can come out of someone with Tourette's mouth can ruin your day, you're fucked.

You're allowed to have off days, days where the slightest thing will break you down, yes; but you can't be like that every day. You need to rise and stand up so we can rise with you. Life isn't an individual sport, it's a team fucking effort, and in it, we're allowed to have as many teammates as we want or need. You don't have to choose to reject everyone for a few fuckers, and you shouldn't live your life with the fear or impression that they lurk underneath the skin of everyone you meet; you'll only be hurting yourself and stopping yourself from fucking feeling things, and if you can't feel a thing, what's the point in being alive?

You defended yourself when he was choking you, didn't you? Ergo, you had a will to live, and a will to fight for what seemed right. Come back on the team, or let us join yours.

Trust me, there are bigger canyons to cross ahead - like the one where even really good people make really bad fucking mistakes once in a while. Not every murderer is a criminal, and not every criminal is a ''bad'' person. And few of the most clean-cut are as perfect as they seem. Again, regardless of gender, race, religion or tolerance to lactose.

Julian Edelman: Totally Fucked?

NEVER READ THE COMMENTS SECTION. I fail to abide by this rule, pretty much daily.

In the case of this non-news where a reportedly single football star (Julian Edelman) who may or may not be romantically involved with a model (Olivia Frischer, though they are not married) seen in a post-sex selfie, sleeping, with Boston-area girl Sabrina Dudish bragging about it via her Tinder profile icebreaker:

The internet went all mean and all-out on her, calling her the nastiest things, ''whore'' and ''slut'' among the most common - and nicest. One Massachussets bar owner banned her from his establishments - noting he had never done so about anyone else before. That's right: murderers and rapists, politicians, crooked cops, terrorists, kidnappers and wife beaters (three of those may apply to NFL players) are fine, but not Sabrina Dudish. Also, that misogynistic asshole (Michael Winter) went as far as to rate her a ''5'', I guess because if she'd have been a ''10'' it wouldn't have been the same? I'm fairly certain a lot of his bars are full of ''8s'' going to hotel rooms with married athletes (and married men in general), but somehow he's totally cool with that. Unless I'm missing the story about his bars being ''No Hookup'' establishments...

Again: a single woman bragging about fucking a single man, not destroying his family or public life. This is called slut-shaming, though we really need a better term, because nothing here actually proves her to be a slut. She's had to shut down most of her social media accounts because of the backlash, but forgot about her MySpace, so there are pictures of her looking a little too young making the rounds that some folks are searching for and staring at...

Guys are rarely judged by the amount of women they bang, unless it's negatively for not having had enough (''Oh, just 10? Sorry.''), but girls have to be virgin prudes, right? Then who would the guys be fucking?

My only interrogation with this is that she used it on her Tinder profile, meaning she's using it to lure men into contacting her to meet up. As a musician and former athlete, I understand there's an aura around going after men who've had many conquests, and there are plenty of Psychology 101 reasons for that, but I'm not certain it goes both ways: I fail to see how this one woman thinks sleeping with a man who has slept with hundreds of women makes her look attractive. But I guess that's the feminist in me, where I'm not slut-shaming her, but him instead. (I guess that's Psychology 102).

I guess that's the day and age we're in, though, right? Instant celebrity and a global network that renders your most stupid decision of the day a permanent fixture on the interwebs, for generations to marvel at. Like all those idiots from Florida. Paris Hilton showed the world (well, North America, anyway) that a complete dunce could market herself by just exposing herself to the masses, and they'll not only follow but want to join in. We're way past the Decline of Western Civilization, we're going for rock bottom.

That Canadian Feeling

I rarely identify as Canadian on the international scene, except when nothing else gets understood.

I do, however, fully identify with this year's Miss Canada contestant in the Miss Universe pageant, who went all-out Canadian stereotype (minus, say, beer, maple syrup and poutine) for her amazing uniform, preferring fun (with winks to the sometimes off-the-wall absurdity of High Fashion) to sexiness or whatever else might make a judge look at her beauty instead of her character:

The internets were both aflame and all-praise for her boldness, and I stand firmly in the line of ''backers'' on this one.

The score (20-14) reflects the year she was crowned Miss Canada, but some idiots went misogynistic in their disapproval (''is that the number of guys she's just had'') while others doubted her hockey knowledge (''those are football scores / there are no touchdowns in hockey dummy''), but I have decided to not promote angry adults living in their parents' basements because they're still grounded from 20 years ago; they can keep doing what they've been doing most of their lives and fuck themselves.

Kudos to you, Chanel Beckenlehner, for having the galls to have balls and character, not just stunning looks and a degree in Political Sciences from the University of Toronto. I don't know if you've won or will win Miss Universe, but you've won my respect.

Funny Folks Of The Week: Bad Lip Reading

Man, I wanted to laugh at some harmless and hilarious stuff tonight, and the fine folks at Bad Lip Reading had just what I needed with their compilation of re-dubbing NFL players, coaches and referees:



They had a similar one last year, too:



And, of course, their classic Herman Cain (two-time Republican Presidential wanna-be) video:



You're welcome, internet.

Tiny Super Heroines

I thought I'd mention this site today, whose address is Better Supes but whose official name is Little Girls R Better At Designing Heroes Than You, because I like the thought process that went behind it: superheroes drawn based on pictures sent in of little girls wearing costumes.

It negates the need, desire and tendency to add unnecessary boobage, cleavage and under-dressing those who would hypothetically save our measly lives. The only quip I have is that they ed up looking a bit like generic comic teens (i.e. default lack of boobage because too young to have them):

But there were instances where the end result was nothing short of spectacular, including one ''evil doctor'' I encourage you to seek out on their site. My personal favourite is this one:

The initial drawing is exactly like the picture, so it really is that girl, and you can really see her giving it her all for whatever cause she wishes to defend or attack; the added 8-bit Castlevania-like video game character design is just added fun.

Big fan of the Pink Knight.

Classic Album Covers Put Back Into Their Element

I've been sitting on this for a month and a half now, and really, there was no reason why; it's not like I can say anything more than what it is, or add to it in any way...

The Guardian came up with a great way to waste their time (and ours) by using Google Street View to place some classic album covers back into their natural habitat, and the result is pretty cool:

I didn't post Abbey Road, of course, but check the link above for what they came up with; it's a rpetty neat project to undertake, and can easily be expanded periodically, and regionally for less international talents.

Video Of The Week: Childish Gambino (Feat. Problem)

Childish Gambino, a.k.a. the musician personae of actor (Community) / writer (30 Rock) Donald Glover, is one insanely talented creator and performer. He's already an award-nomination-producing machine and, at barely 30 years of age, is doing it all his own way, at his own pace, in the medium he chooses, in the vehicle he decides to board.

It's not about a huge film opening, or signing with the biggest label, or appearing on every possible late-night and early-morning talk show, it's about taking full charge of every step of the creation process.

As a matter of fact, on his recent tour, though he contracted Montréal super-effects team Moment Factory to design and execute the stage and props, he wanted full input on everything created, and over 80% o the end result came from his unique vision and storyboards.

I saw him perform last year and he just blew me away; with an extra year of experience and a whole new visual experience, it can only be even better.

In this Hiro Murai-directed video for the song Sweatpants, he uses the type of visual storytelling of repetition and looping often found in Michel Gondry's video work - possibly the best reference to have when filming a music video, in my opinion, apologies to John Landis. He has the sensibility of a true indie rock songwriter, but the mental strength of a hardcore rapper - and references that could make Kevin Smith piss his pants; he is the complete package.

Celebrities That Look Like Mattresses

Oh God. So good.

Is Sad And Useless the best website at the moment? If not, they're damn close, and their Celebrities That Look Like Matresses (sic) post is the best page I've seen all year...

Here's a sample:

However, their Metal Albums With Googly Eyes post is almost just as good...

April's Blog Suggestions

I have met a lot of creative individuals in my lifetime, and vowed to stay informed and updated on/in their lives, then Life happened and it fell through.

But there are two of these people - who you may not have heard of, though you definitely should have - who have kept hacking at their dream and their voice while living normal lives and raising families and going through hardships, hard times, hard shit - and that I have moderately stayed in contact with.

In no particular order, here they are, both back in the blogging game.

First, Charlotte Martin. She is a terrific songwriter, an exceptional singer, and an even better human being. Married to Ken Andrews (formerly of Failure and Replicants, now a music producer and engineer) for roughly a decade, they have two children and live in California (though she is originally from Chicago). They take turns touring so that one can stay behind with the kids, and her fanbase and circle of friends often intertwines in an odd way that never would have been possible before the internet age. Because of that, she was able to survive and thrive even after ending her relationship with major label RCA.

You should also follow Enid-Raye Adams. She will likely write a lot less often than Charlotte, but every post will turn your life upside down. She hails from Western Canada and at some point decided it would mean a better life for her to return there, but in between she was probably on the verge of finding regular work in Hollywood; you may have seen her in Final Destination 2, The L Word, Dead Like Me, Babylon 5 and Slap Shot 2, but she has since played in a lot of TV series that were filmed in Canada, such as Fringe, The Haunting Hour and Arctic Air. She's an extremely smart person who isn't just a terrific performer but also has a couple of really good screenplays in her. She is also trying to juggle a family life with the added reality of hard economic troubles and a constant questioning of her place in the world, and her level of happiness.

They are both very open about their lives, especially their pain - though Enid-Raye perhaps more so than Charlotte, because she has this feeling that no one's reading her stuff and treats it like a diary that perhaps even her husband doesn't know about (if he does, I hope he doesn't find out about her state of mind through it at times), whereas CharMar feels like each of her readers is a close friend that she doesn't want to have worrying about her.

They are both extremely compelling and thought-provoking. And people you can't help feeling for.

Motivate Yourself: Sports Meets Booze

Oh God. So good.

There are music mash-ups, and the are visual mash-ups. This is the latter, and it claims to combine ''fitness quotes'' with pictures of drunk people; they are more ''sports'' quotes, and one of them is a clear hockey reference (a Wayne Gretzky quote, in fact, the one about the shots you don't take), and at least one is from football (the 'team' one). Still, these images (and the rest from the Wall To Watch page where I found them) are the funniest and truest things I've seen so far this year:

That last one just might be my favourite.

Sochi On Tinder

Two weeks ago, I wrote about how athletes in Sochi had the technological advantage of Tinder to hook and and have athletic sex amongst themselves and use up the 100,000 condoms provided to them on-site.

Well, technology works both ways, and when you mix it up with bad reporting, social media, blogging and the general lack of privacy inherent to our times, what you get is a webpage whose sole reason for existing is to expose the athletes who have used the app, Sochi On Tinder.

Not just that, but it is still being updated today, 4 days after the closing ceremonies, which leads me to believe the Sochi Games were just the beginning of the intrusion into these athletes' lives.

Upon first glance, I was surprised to find that the men were far more likely to take their clothes off and display their goods in their introductory pictures than the ladies, especially considering that 'friending' someone on Tinder is pretty much the equivalent of buying them a drink a decade ago...

There were some disturbing ones, i.e. all of those who show their wedding pictures in their profile pics:

Either AZ Central's 12 News traffic reporter Emma Jade will have some explaining to do when her husband realizes what she likes to do when she's half a world away (she also went to the Beijing, Vancouver and London Games), or she's that good of a reporter, always willing to go under covers for the hard-hitting stories. Pulitzer Prize, anyone?

(See what I did there? I criticized a website for going too far, then did some investigative journalism myself and pushed the envelope a little further, but mine was less voyeuristic and more sleezeball/who-cares-how-many-lives-I-destroy-as-long-as-I-get-to-The-Truth, no-conscience journalism. Pulitzer Prize, anyone?)

(See what I did there? I made the same joke as in the previous paragraph.)