Best 1980s Toys Parody: Cockmasters

Unexplained fire and explosions? Check.
Over-hyped kids talking too fast? Check.
Toys at war with no clear definition of what makes one side ''good'' and the other side ''bad''? Check.
Avalanche of phallic symbols? Check.

Worse Than An Actual Chemistry Playset?

Apparently some folks in the U.K. are going bonkers over a new line of toys by Citizen Brick (the actual Lego brand refused any involvement, so the Men With The Ideas went to a rip-off company instead) over a Breaking Bad-inspired line of toys dubbed SuperLab...

What's funny is that both sides are pissed off: the ''save our children'', religious/law-abiding (as if!) crowd are angry that a line of toys inspired by a TV series based on the making and selling of crystal meth that has so many underage views use such blunt dug paraphernalia throughout the playset; and those who'd let it be are mad that it sells for £160 ($250 US).

Here's what I think: if you're too dumb a parent to stop your fucking kids from watching a TV show that airs well past their bedtime and is based around the sale of one of the harshest drugs out there, you have no right to complain about the secondary market making a buck off of said show. There's a reason it's classified 18+ in most places (16+ in Québec): it deals with harsh shit, a lot of it illegal, most of it violent.

And if you're a collector willing to spend half your rent money on a line of toys, don't be surprised if an actual meth addict ends up stealing it from you at some point, either to resell it, or just to have memorabilia from the show that inspired them to start doing drugs in the first place.

I'm sure a chemistry play set like parents gave their kids 30 years ago mixed with some methylamine could do so much more damage anyhow.

The Burger King

If you know me personally, you probably know I've been a huge Wayne Gretzky fan for... my whole life.

As a child, I'd beg my parents to let me watch a single period of his games, which came so late in my time zone (Eastern) that they played after my hometown Montréal Canadiens' games, oftentimes ending at 10PM, way past my curfew. Needless to say, when I was be able to see him play, it was special for more than one reason, usually a special event, usually during the Holidays.

For Christmas, I'd ask my parents for Gretzky jerseys - first with the Edmonton Oilers, from ages 4 to 12 (every time I'd outgrow one), then with the Los Angeles Kings, for the first half of the nineties, which were my high school years. Then I moved out and was on my own to provide jerseys for myself, and could only afford a Gretzky three years ago - a beautiful Oilers one, in blue.

The one jersey I never got, though, was the ''Burger King'' Kings one, and to this day I can't find one anywhere. Lucky for me, though, McFarlane Toys made 250 of them, usually selling for $100-400 apiece:

Now you know what to get me for Christmas.

I thank you in advance.

Sick Toys

Freakland is selling Cannibal Holocaust figurines!

There are only 4 left, at 50 euros apiece (very steep in my opinion).

But we are talking about a movie so shocking that even today, it is mostly just available in edited (censored) versions...

Cabbage Patch Steven Tyler

When artists get their own dolls, it usually means they're having the honour of having Todd McFarlane making one of his hyper-realistic toys.

Not Steven Tyler.

He's going to be... a fucking Cabbage Patch Kid:

If, like me, you have trouble identifying him, he's the one... in the middle. The white-trash prostitute with the brown hair and blonde streaks dressed like Elvis-meets-cowboy. Wow.

Tattooed Barbie 2011

Some moms have so little to do, they keep complaining about futile things, like Tattooed Barbie 2011 - there was a similar case in 2009.

I always wonder about those parents - with so many Letters To The Editor to write, Tea Party protests to attend, TV shows to scutinize and rap and rock musicians to try to ban from the airwaves and arenas, it's a wonder how they have time to even look at their children a few times a day, let alone look after them.

It's why this blog post touched my heart. Key quote:

Secondly, let's get real for a minute: Barbie has always dressed like a $5 hooker. (...)

I'm sorry, but when did tattoos become a symbol of immorality?

And when did we start taking toys so damn seriously?

Prepare Your Kids For A Lifetime Of Suckiness

Oh, Life. Is bigger. It's bigger than you, and you are not me.

If your expectations of your kids' expectations would go as low as to even think of such a product existing, it's time to consider neutering. Yourself. With a knife.

Baby's First Cubicle.

Here I was hoping the 2010-to-2020 decade would rid us of these atrocities, it looks like some people still want others stacked on top of one another in perfect little geometric shapes. It's wrong for poultry and swine, it's even more wrong for us bipeds.

You know, they say at any given time there are 25 violent wars raging on the planet, and yet the fuckers who want to keep us down - the bankers, law-makers, lobbyists, fast-food vendors - are always fine and healthy, playing golf on the last patches of good grass available, smoking cigars where others aren't allowed to smoke pot or even cigarettes anymore, riding in limos that eat up more fuel than SUVs and pissing all over others' rights and freedoms.