Monday, January 30, 2012

Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Again, I feel I need to specify: I respect (good) cops, come from a family full of them. Two families, in fact, on both my mom's and my dad's sides.

And that is exactly why when one of them commits a heinous fucking crime, it needs to be told to the public and why I once put forth the proposition that policemen should receive double the sentence of a civilian when they commit crimes, once for the crime itself and once more for disrespecting the uniform and corroding the public's confidence in its institutions. Same goes for politicians, although we'd need to build a shitload more new prisons to keep those fat cats locked up.

This story will shock you throughout your fucking soul: a woman called 911 after having one of her windows smashed by a brick, and the cop who came raped her. Key moment:
She now stood on a floor littered with broken glass and pointed to the brick. The cop she had summoned to protect her instead chose this moment to grab the back of her head by her hair and sodomize her. Then he raped her.

Sounds like a scene from Straw Dogs. But with a dirty cop named Ladmarald Cates instead of a dude from True Blood. He was found guilty and could face up to Life in prison. Good start; let the inmates take it from there.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Oh, No, Canada!

Stephen Harper's Conservatives, in a mere 6 months since actually taking power, has already changed the face of Canadian politics - and it's only getting worse: Bill C-11 formerly Bill-32 - makes the American SOPA bill look tame in comparison.

Dear They compiled this short list of just some of its provisions:

Like your PVR? You can’t keep it under C-11.
Like ripping CDs to your iPod? Say bye-bye.
Hey, do you want to be able to unlock your $500 smartphone and take it to a provider less dedicated to violating your wallet? That won’t be allowed either.
Did you get accused of internet piracy but no evidence has been presented and a trial date hasn’t even been set? Under C-11 your ISP will now be forced to terminate your internet access.
Yeah. And lazy Canadian bastards, too busy watching the NHL All Star Game, or too cold to go outside and demonstrate or riot will politely just bend over and turn the other cheek. We will let this asshole completely change our way of life in just a couple of years, turning our ''socialist Hell'' into a police state governed by lawless companies while humans have no rights whatsoever... ah the beauty of ''the free market''!

There are less than two weeks left to make our voices heard. Click here and save yourselves:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Video Of The Week: Oran ''Juice'' Jones

There are countless songs about infidelity in love - I'm in the process of writing one myself, called Fuck Doll - and most of them reek of cheese, but none more than Oran ''Juice'' Jones' The Rain, in which the protagonist actually confronts his partner after having followed her during the day, and promptly exacts revenge by cancelling her credit cards and kicking her to the curb.

The video is typical '80s, with the soft colours, vaseline-tinted lense, terrible fashion sense and keyboard-infested soft pop music, and I totally understand how Jones, a serious artist, would have failed to understand that what made this particular track and video stand out was its cheesiness, not its quality. It's a ''magic'' that is hard to recreate.

When his follow-ups (1987's Gangsters Takin' Over and 1989's To Be Immortal) didn't quite meet anyone's expectations, he half-retired from music to take care of his terminally ill mother and raise his kids... until his failed comeback album Player's Call in 1997.

Both of his kids are trying to make it in the business, while Daddy Jones himself is getting back in the game, scoring for film and TV commercials.

My favourite part of the song is when he confronts her:
Did you miss me
You did? Yeah? I missed you too
I missed you so much I followed you today
That's right now close your mouth
'Cause you cold busted
Now just sit down here, sit down here
I'm so upset with you I don't know what to do
You know my first impulse was to run up on you
And do a Rambo
I was about to jam you and flat blast both of you
But I didn't wanna mess up
this thirt-seven hundred dollar lynx coat
So instead I chilled -- That's right chilled
I called up the bank and took out every dime.
Than I cancelled all your credit cards...
I stuck you up for every piece of jewelery
I ever bought you!
Don't go lookin' in that closet
'cause everything you came here with
is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room.
What were you thinking?
You don't mess with the Juice!

Man Stats

These stats are from the U.K., so I take them with a grain of salt, seeing as that's likely the only ''spice'' they have available.

But a few of those even apply to me.

  • 1/3 of men have never had a romantic breakfast with their girlfriend
  • One fifth of men have had a steamy Skype session
  • 70% of men have watched porn online.
  • 27% of men would sleep with someone 'repulsive' for £1m
  • 96% of men wouldn't send flowers to their partner's work
  • 18% of men go on a diet because of a new partner
  • Men think a loose bun is the best hairstyle for a first date
  • 11% of men admit to flirting at work
  • Men spend an average of £235 a year on looking good
  • 42% of men say they're single because they are shy
  • 57% of men would prefer a month without sex than a month without their mobile
  • 28% of men don't know girls pluck their chin hairs
  • 27% of men would date a married woman
  • 50% of holiday romances last less than a week
  • 33% of men say they feel depressed on 'fat days'
  • 1/4 men wee in the shower
  • 79% of men think it's most likely they'll meet their next girlfriend at work
  • 16% of men have pretended a ready meal was something they'd cooked to impress a date
  • 15% of men have left an extra-large tip because they fancied the waitress
  • 9% of men don't know the main ingredient of cheese
  • 10% of men are terrified of spiders
  • 10% of men say they're less attracted to women who can't cook
  • Only 35% of men wear clean pants everyday!
  • 10% of men have a teddy bear that they hide when a girl stays over
  • 62% of men are baffled by flat pack furniture
  • 22% of men have a bank account they don't tell their partner about
  • Men are prepared to spend an average of £55.47 on a first date
  • Larger men last longer in bed than skinny men
  • 7% of men have used their partner's toothbrush
I dare you to guess which one(s).

Heidi Klum And Seal Divorce

Temper, temper.

Before it becomes old news, I should tell you I was not to blame for Heidi Klum divorcing Seal. Unlike the Demi Moore and Halle Berry marriages, where I was the main reason.

Love that hair! And the dress, of course!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Tim Thomas Incident

You've probably heard by now about Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas, who refused to participate in his team's visit to the White House ''for political reasons'', defending his ideas/ideals which seem pretty damn close to Tea Party ideas.

Hockey is a sport built on tradition, and Thomas is as much an athlete as he is a student of the game; he respects the tradition that stipulates opponents trade handshakes after a playoff series. Tradition also calls for an American team winning the Stanley Cup to be invited to the White House - and to accept the invitation.

His only explanation came via Twitter Facebook, of all fucking places:
I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People. This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government. Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House.

This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.
This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT
Jesus Christ. I hope he's not afraid of heights, because his fucking pedestal is as high as they come.

Michael Grange from Sportsnet had this to say:
To me the real problem is that Thomas couldn't rise above his beliefs and not only support his team but support the tradition of public discourse and debate which is the only logical way out of whatever issues are ailing the United States and how many other democracies these days.
There's no objection to his views here, but there is an objection to the notion that you can't show respect to the individual democratically elected to serve your fellow citizens, even if it's to vigourously agree to disagree.
The Bruins shook hands with the Canucks, after all.
Sure they scrapped like brothers the next time they met. All the old wounds remained raw.
But they honoured the spirit of the game. Tim Thomas should have too.
Even Barack Obama spoke - highly! - of Thomas, as can be attested in this article from ESPN's Joe McDonald:

During his speech, President Obama spoke glowingly about Thomas and his performance during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

"This Stanley Cup was won by defense as much as by offense," Obama said. "Tim Thomas posted two shutouts in the Stanley Cup finals and set an all-time record for saves in the postseason, and he also earned the honor being only the second American ever to be recognized as the Stanley Cup playoffs MVP."
Thomas' absence was uncalled for. The president has more important things to worry about with Tuesday's State of the Union address.
But it's going to be interesting to see what this does to the State of the Bruins.
Team spirit can, indeed, take a monstruous fall. But Thomas is a hero in Boston; they're calling him possibly the team's best ever. He's a God in the city, and a heck of a warrior for his team. I, for one, think if one person could survive such an un-team-like act, it would be him, the team's most unselfish character.

Thomas' harshest critic, however, is from The Boston Globe's Kevin Paul Dupont:

Shabby. Immature. Unprofessional. Self-centered. Bush league. Need I go on? All that and more applies to what Thomas did, on a day when Cup teammates Mark Recchi (now retired), Shane Hnidy (a radio guy these days in Winnipeg), and Tomas Kaberle (a member of some Original Six team in Canada), all gladly joined the red-white-blue-black-and-gold hugfest at the White House.
Thomas needed to be there in solidarity, and celebration, with his team. It was the same government yesterday, and will be today, that protected his country, his security, his family, and his right to make $5 million a year, all last season. In his absence, he stole his teammates’ spotlight. Win as a team. Lose as a team. And when asked to stand up and take a bow, then stand up there and suffer if need be, even if you don’t like the setting, the host, or any of the political trappings and tenets that come with it.
And he went on to add even stronger words:

If Thomas is feeling the way he is today, it could not have happened overnight. He must have felt much the same just shy of 24 months ago when he sounded so proud to wear that Team USA sweater at the 2010 Olympics, and so proudly dipped his head to accept that silver medal. Or was he doing all of that under governmental duress, the pain of knowing our leaders were acting, as he wrote yesterday, “in direct opposition of the Constitution and the Founding Fathers’ vision of the Federal government.’’
Someone so disgusted with our government ought to turn in the sweater and the medal. It must be a horrible burden, if not a pox, to have them in his house.
That's the stuff!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Billion Dollar Baby

While I'm not partial to Paris Hilton's looks nor ''talents'', you've got to give it to her for moneying her assets into always more and more public exposure. And money, considering she's now officially a billionaire. (Yes, you read that right.)

This time, she's on the cover of FHM magazine. Here, she's pictured spray-painting... something? The whole thing makes no sense whatsoever...

But the pièce de résistance is clearly these four facts ''learned'' from her interview:
FYI 1: Recently Paris found a stray dog on a beach in Bali. It looked hungry and made her sad, so she spent £50 on a filet mignon steak for it.
FYI 2: Paris was robbed five times by Hollywood gang The Bling Ring. It wasn't until the fifth time when she lost $2 million in jewellery that she reported the robberies.
FYI 3: Paris went to the same school as Kim Kardashian, Chandler from friends and the guys who wrote the theme song from The O.C. (''Phantom Planet'')
FYI 4: Paris used to date a guy called Paris.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Snowy Monday In Montréal

It looks amazing but it feels like Hell, I tell ya! It's a video my friend Jamie Klinger shared - I'm just sharing it back.

A Monday Morning in Montréal from CloudRaker on Vimeo.

And it shows you the beginning of the storm, how it's funny/difficult to walk in it, and they hint at the fact that the City doesn't fucking pick it up, but imagine all that fucking snow, falling all day long, and the 4 feet of it that's accumulated after your long day of work, and you having to go back home through waist-high unwalkable freezing fluff - or moist, dirty slush if it's melted a bit.

There is nothing human about living in these conditions 6 months a year. There's a reason settlers went all the way to California. Heck, even British Columbia.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Videos Of The Week: Gotye (Feat. Kimbra) and Walk Off The Earth

Here it is, the soundtrack of the last month for me, Gotye's Somebody That I Used To Know. Goddamn, what I good fucking song, full of emotion, truth and sorrow.

Gotye is a Belgian-Australian songwriter born Wouter ''Wally'' De Backer and has won multiple awards for this song in 2011.

The song caught even more steam in North America of late through Walk Off The Earth's cover of the song, in a just-as-subtle-yet-just-as-great video featuring 5 musicians playing on the same guitar. For a rare time, I also include the cover, as co-Video Of The Week.

Sarah Blackwood's voice is one for the ages.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Chicks To Blame

Remember that boat that crashed in Italy late last week?

Turns out supermodel Eva Herzigova is to blame. She was the one who christened the boat in 2006 - f.y.i: you christen a boat by throwing a champagne bottle at it, because the bigger the piece of machinery, the bigger its thirst for alcoholic beverages. That's why I throw a beer at small-to-mid-range cars and wine bottles at cars worth over $100,000.

In any event, Eva (pictured below hesitating between another glass of bubbly and a fifth orgasm provided by yours truly - she got both) isn't as strong as she looks, because the bottle didn't break, which is considered bad luck. Which apparently takes 6 years to materialize. Because the sea prefers having broken glass in it than people diving to retrieve a bottle of booze.

Poor Eva is distraught. She hopes she didn't cause the death of 6 or more people. To make her feel better here are more pictures of her bad self.

Fucking Crazy

Tokyo Drift? Nah... Tank Truck Drift!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Titanic 2012

A luxury cruise ship with 4200 people on board crashed on an Italian shore. More than 70 people are missing, 3 are dead - and no one knows what the fuck happened.

In this day and age, 100 years after the actual Titanic crashed.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Erica Situation

(pictures were removed because they don't add anything to the story)

While I sort of alluded to her here before in The Jenn Fiasco, Erica was a beast all her own.

If you would ask her about the idiom that claims all men to be ''dicks'', not only would she agree, but she would seriously wonder what is wrong with that and would claim ''the more the merrier''. But first things first...

The Hollywood-esque Hook-Up:

Riding the subway on the way home after school in September 1994, I spot this really cute, tiny, red-haired, thick-lipped strawberry-nosed girl who looks younger than me - and she's eyeing me too. For two stations we look into another's eyes, smile, then people come in and out, she's so small I lose track of her.

At Vendôme, where I get out, I check to see if I can spot her - in vain. No sign of her whatsoever.

I get on the bus, a bit sad but knowing that - as always - I'll have forgotten it in a few hours' time. I'm sitting down, first seat next to the back door, listening to my Discman, reading the lyrics to the Beastie Boys' Check Your Head while they bang in my earphones, when I look up and see her standing right in front of me. Despite our clear flirtation earlier, having her so close in front of me when I thought I'd lost her made me nervous, and I looked away, always trying to steal a glance here and there until it's my turn to get off, hoping she doesn't do it first.

The street I lived on, Melrose, is between two stops (Wilson and Draper, respectively), and seeing as she's not getting off at the first, I wait until the latter to exit. As soon as I hit the sidewalk, I stare right back into the bus at her, see she's looking at me, and wave at her to follow me out. She makes this puzzled look but I repeat the gesture, and as the bus trails away, start making a run to the following stop - Madison. She exits at Madison and walks towards me until we're face-to-face, silent, shy, awkward but also excited, nervous, feeling a weird adrenaline rush that only hard drugs such as pure lust can provoke.

I suggest we sit on a park bench and talk - and we sit there for over an hour. at one point she asks me what I'm doing that night, and I reply with a confident ''NOTHING!, You?'' and she tells me about this after-school economics seminar she's got to go to - at which point I remember I'm going to the same one: ''Me too! I totally forgot! At Marymount Academy on Côte-St-Luc!''

Oddly enough, we were in the same grade at different schools, she was 3 years older than I was but had been held back because the education she had received in her native Portugal wasn't found to be equivalent to our system's, and we were both enrolled in the same after-school economics/entrepreneurship program. It was going to be great: I could continue hitting on her there - all night.

It turns out we were in separate groups, but at break time we'd always get together. Within the end of the month we were dating, meeting each other's friends, maybe even parents. I saw hers a lot despite having never seen another room in her house than the living room. Her mom loved me, her dad always gave me a look that said ''when I kill you, I will shit in your mouth then feed you to starving pitbulls''. Oddly enough, back in the day, those were typical parental reactions to my presence...

By Christmas, we had already each purchased tickets to one another's Graduations. In January she got pregnant, got aborted on Valentine's Day and by March I learned that she had, on average, cheated on me more than once a day. Close to 3, actually. Usually with her ex, Enrik, a fellow Midget-AAA hockey player also drafted by the Laval Titans - but also with guys who gave her rides home from school in exchange for blowjobs, cab drivers who would take her anywhere at any time for the same deal, as well as one fucktard she kind of actually started dating at the same time. They met after fucking in the bathroom at the old Madhatter's, when it was on Peel street. He had a stupid-ass last-name-as-first-name thing going on, something like Anderson, but maybe not; straight hair to his chin, wore wife-beaters... a real fucking douchebag. If he's still alive today, I'm sure his skin's fucking orange, he lives in Jersey and drives a red sports car.

Worse of the matter is she'd give me signs, too, almost all the time, but she was telling those stories as if they were happening to her best friend, who I'd met and had introduced herself as ''yeah, I'm Claudine, the slut from all her stories''. Needless to say, though, that when I learned the truth, I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. And I never spoke to her ever again, but she did write me from most major destinations when she went on a European vacation during the summer, a Tour Of Cocks, if you will, where she would either send me pictures of her with other guys, or just postcards with messages like ''I just got acquainted with a boatload of sailors here in Vienna, and I'm particularly fond of Austrian sausages now''.

I remember when I found out about her infidelities, and we had a long conversation about the ethics of a relationship and how humans, after all, are still fucking animals. She said: ''so what if on my way to school or work, I see someone I want to fuck and we stop and do it and continue on our merry way?'', and it was the very first time I'd heard a woman talk like the most macho man.

Plus, for some reason, I imagine with those guys it was a lot less clinical than with me, where most times we'd be spooning on a couch watching TV and she'd just lift her leg up, grab my dick in my pants and shove it inside her dry cunt, irritating the both of us until she would manage to produce juices. All of this in the quietest of silences. I was nothing more than the 10-inch dildo waiting at home for the nightly fill.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Monsters In Uniform

Having not learned from the Abu-Ghraib scandal, American fucking Marines (of all fucking Armed Forces corps) were ''caught on tape'' urinating on the corpses of alleged Taliban fighters.

They seem to have been filmed by a fellow serviceman and have been identified as an elite sniper team from the 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marines out of Camp Lejeune in North Carolina.

Desecrating the corpses of people you have just killed and will be de facto forever considered terrorists even if in reality they might not have been - if foreign/invading forces had been in your country for over a decade, isn't there at least the slightest possibility you'd be pissed off and would want them out of there by almost any means necessary? - is a useless, disgusting action that is condemned by the Geneva Convention. Not that Americans, of late, have respected anything in it when it comes to the War On Terror.

But I digress...

When it comes to videos of people urinating (yeah, I'm aware that didn't seem quite legit when I wrote it), I strongly prefer this one, by the way.

Classy And Knowledgeable Hockey Fans

Sometimes I think Montréal hockey fans are fucking awful, especially when they boo former players or the other team's star players...

But at times, they still blow my mind with their generosity and faithfulness. I recall a game against the Anaheim Ducks when the crowd cheered former captain Saku Koivu on. And last Tuesday, upon Jaroslav Halak's return to the city that still views him as the last playoff hero it's had, he was given a chilling standing ovation after shutting out the home team 3-0:

Monday, January 9, 2012

Athlete's Back

Dustin Penner, a disappointing power forward for the NHL's Los Angeles Kings, has injured his back while eating pancakes.

Those fat/out of shape jokes aren't going away anytime soon.

For the record, I'd take a chance of Penner on my team... at half his current $4.2M salary.

Video Of The Week: Vanessa

Olivia Newton-John's huge 1981 hit with Physical spawned a shitload of imitators, but none more ridiculous than Vanessa - real name Cornelia Jacoba (Connie) Breukhoven - whose 1982 video for Upside Down takes place in a gym. Sponsored by World Gym. Filled with beefy men lifting weights.

The Dutch singer is still active today, having just released her 5th album in 2010, named Just Conny since she now performs under the moniker Conny. She hasn't released a single since 1995's Lidia, though. Confused? Good. Because that's the only correct way to watch/listen to this video:

Friday, January 6, 2012

Canadian Splendo(u)r

My friend Yan is a musician, smart, cool guy and an idealist.

He writes about comics on his comics blog, but also offers onlookers a ''daily recap'' into his life. Kind of like following Harvey Pekar, daily, without the images.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Is That A Dildo?

As Lars Eller scored the third of his four goals last night, the ice was littered with the traditional hats and caps to celebrate his hat trick...

But other items were also thrown onto the ice...

Keep an eye on the red thing...

Then again, that's nothing compared to the Swedish Dildo Shower of 2008...

Monday, January 2, 2012

Video Of The Week: Rick Ross

While my cousins, aunts and relatives spent the Holidays putting LMFAO's I'm Sexy And I Know It on repeat everywhere they went, I went back to the original of the mid-song break, Rick Ross' Hustlin', a banging track that keeps it gangsta.

And I just love his accent when he says things like ''the boss'' (''tha bawss'').

In case you're wondering, that's not his real name, it's the name of a convicted drug lord who unsuccessfully tried to sue the rapper for 'stealing his name'.

Plug: Getting Over The New Year Hangover

If you're in town for the day (well, the night, mostly!), you should definitely stop by Casa Del Popolo (4873 St-Laurent, right below St-Joseph - my favourite venue in the city) for the world premiere of my new band, S*H*A*L*L (yes, it stands for Stuart-Hell-Austin-Lento-Lines, our first choice was to call ourselves Godfeed You! Fat Senator?, but my friend Mauro from the actual Godspeed veto'ed it).

S*H*A*L*L is 5 of Montréal's best singer-songwriters, all former members of the Velvet Underground cover band Loaded, each singing 2 of their songs, swapping instruments and backing the others for the rest. Except me: I get 3 songs.

We're opening for the Caroline Glass Band - also a Loaded alumni! - and it's a measly 5 bucks, which also includes a sample of Miracle Fruit, should you be so inclined.

Bring your friends!

Facebook event link here.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Day

All is quiet on New Year's Day
The streets are empty
Even the snow's melting away
A new calendar won't erase old pains

But ring out the champagne
It's cause to celebrate
It's now or never
No reason to explain