Saturday, May 31, 2014

Top 10s This Week

Top 10 Songs:

10. DANGER (BEEN SO LONG), Mystikal (feat. Nivea) (2000)
9. LEASH, Pearl Jam (1993)
8. DEMON, Kandle (2013)
7. BIG SHOT, The Pack A.D. (2013)
6. HIGGS BOSON BLUES, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (2013)
5. BEAT THE DRUM SLOWLY, Timber Timbre (2014)
4. STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GATES, Tech N9ne (feat. Serj Tankian) (2013)
3. SWEATPANTS, Childish Gambino (feat. Problem) (2014)
2. WE EXIST, Arcade Fire (2014)
1. SHARP, Red Mass (2014)

Top 10 NHL 3rd Round Performers:

10. BRENDAN GALLAGHER, Montréal Canadiens 
9. RYAN McDONAGH, New York Rangers
8. MARIAN GABORIK, Los Angeles Kings
7. COREY CRAWFORD, Chicago Blackhawks
6. DUSTIN TOKARSKI, Montréal Canadiens
5. P.K. SUBBAN, Montréal Canadiens
4. JONATHAN QUICK, Los Angeles Kings
3. JONATHAN TOEWS, Chicago Blackhawks
ANZE KOPITAR, Los Angeles Kings
1. PATRICK KANE, Chicago Blackhawks

Video Of The Week: Arcade Fire

There's been a lot of talk surrounding this video since last weekend, ranging from the most idiotic things put to words in May to points that needed be addressed, but the most angry folks were undoubtedly the American LGBT community, and I guess the elephant in the room here is Against Me!'s Laura Jane Grace, who not only released the best album of 2014 so far, Transgender Dysphoria Blues, which dealt exclusively with the issue at hand.

Here is her original tweet, which may be interpreted as a suggestion, for ''the next time'':

And here is where it gets out of hand:

The ''white actors in blackface'' line is the artistic equivalent to ''that's how the Nazis did it'' in political discussions, it's the end of the line. It's Godwin's Law, and it's futile.

I understand that a song called We Exist in which Arcade Fire chose to address the topic of transgenderism through its video, could have easily been a stronger affirmation to young trans folk dealing with the issue if the main character would have been portrayed by someone who had already come out as one. Heck, even a documentary-style video showing dozens of them, maybe with their coming-out date at the bottom of the screen - maybe a few doing so for the very first time on screen - would have been great. Maybe not.

But at this point, we know that film, as a medium, is limited in its scope and tells an incomplete story - it's why biopics are works of fiction, not documentary. And anyone who has lived through one year between the ages of 12 and 16 knows that what you see in films doesn't happen that way: people don't become murderers after one bad experience the eve of, or virgins don't lose their virginity in a cabin in the woods 15 minutes after meeting someone when they haven't been ready with the partner they just dumped after two years together. It's impossible to tell a complete tale in 100 minutes, let alone 30 (TV show), let alone 5 (music video). It's about make-believe, and pushing the narrative forward.

Even Harvey Pekar was disillusioned after the American Splendor movie came out, saying the actor portraying him (Paul Giamatti) was way better-looking than he was, but he understood it was a caricatural representation that needed to be watered down so that the heart of the story could be told.

Of all the responses to the criticism, I feel AF's Win Butler was the best, and so I give it to you in a huge chunk:

The entire interview is on The Advocate's website. In it, Butler addresses a lot of the stabs against it, and director David Wilson, who is gay, attacks the way the video was portrayed in the press upon its release (as attention-grabbers and click-magnets), the Huffington Post even misrepresenting it as ''Andrew Garfield does drag''.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Fucking SPVM Cops

At first I thought it was a joke, a photoshop job that made the rounds on social media...

But no, it seems this picture, of an on-duty cop with a nubile young woman on his lap grinding back and forth (he may not have been protecting, but he seemed of service), is real:

Real enough that his employers have taken notice, have told the population (via Twitter!) that an inquiry is underway, and there may (meaning won't) be consequences:

It reads:
We are looking into the matter. We ask witnesses to contact us at our media relations email (so we can try to diffuse the situation).
The person who took the picture actually took a few more which add credence to their story that both on-duty cops took two (allegedly) underage drunk girls in their car, even letting them drive a bit, then had some sexy time in the car before proceeding to enter the young ladies' residence and have more sex there, while being paid by our tax dollars:

So, we thought cops were just standing around looking the other way (or beating kids nearly to death) while our government was fucking us over; turns out, the cops are also fucking us - in the more classic sense. Well, fucking our girls, then fucking us over by not doing it on their own time.

And - again, allegedly - with underage jail bait. Although we all know cops don't go to jail (or even get fired) for even the worst crimes; but these girls'd be jail bait to us normal folk.

I wonder where all the cynicism comes from.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Happy Memorial Day, My American Friends

From last Saturday night's game between the Los Angeles Kings and Chicago Blackhawks...

Love the (hockey-related) comment at the end...

(edit: I don't know how that works - saluting Veterans sent to - mostly useless - wars, who you don't provide adequate care for upon their return, yet celebrate by merely applauding their service yet don't want your taxes to foot their hospital and mental health bills; then again we do that here too, and the Feds even made our Veterans' Day no longer a mandatory holiday, so they don't even get an actual day's honour, just a random ''oh was it today?'' type of day...)

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Tiny Super Heroines

I thought I'd mention this site today, whose address is Better Supes but whose official name is Little Girls R Better At Designing Heroes Than You, because I like the thought process that went behind it: superheroes drawn based on pictures sent in of little girls wearing costumes.

It negates the need, desire and tendency to add unnecessary boobage, cleavage and under-dressing those who would hypothetically save our measly lives. The only quip I have is that they ed up looking a bit like generic comic teens (i.e. default lack of boobage because too young to have them):

But there were instances where the end result was nothing short of spectacular, including one ''evil doctor'' I encourage you to seek out on their site. My personal favourite is this one:

The initial drawing is exactly like the picture, so it really is that girl, and you can really see her giving it her all for whatever cause she wishes to defend or attack; the added 8-bit Castlevania-like video game character design is just added fun.

Big fan of the Pink Knight.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Top 10s Of The Week

Top 10 Songs:

10. ORDINARY LOVE, U2 (2013)
9. ARABELLA, Arctic Monkeys (2014)
8. DEMON, Kandle (2013)
7. BLACK ME OUT, Against Me! (2014)
6. STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GATES, Tech N9ne (feat. Serj Tankian) (2013)
5. SMOOTH SAILING, Queens Of The Stone Age (2014)
4. HIGGS BOSON BLUES, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (2013)
3. PARTITION, Beyoncé (2013)
2. SWEATPANTS, Childish Gambino (feat. Problem) (2014)
1. SHARP, Red Mass (2014)

Top 10 Live Albums:

10. KISS, Alive
Rust Never Sleeps (1979)
8. NIRVANA, MTV Unplugged In New York (1994)
7. JOHNNY CASH, At Folsom Prison (1976)
6. LED ZEPPELIN, The Song Remains The Same (1976)
5. ERIC CLAPTON, Unplugged (1992)
4. DEEP PURPLE, Made In Japan (1972)
3. FRANK ZAPPA / THE MOTHERS, Fillmore East - June 1971 (1971)
THE ROLLING STONES, Get Yer Ya Yas Out! (1970)
THE WHO, Live At Leeds (1970)

Alright, so I followed rules for this one: just the band, and no more than two guests, which excludes The Band's The Last Waltz, Eric Clapton's Rainbow Concert, and The Rolling Stones' Rock And Roll Circus. Also, official releases only - and by that I meant none of Pearl Jam's (sometimes amazing) live bootlegs, though both their Live (On Two, On Ten) Legs were eligible; none of Bob Dylan's bootleg series, either, so no Royal Albert Hall. And because it's hard to pinpoint which 1970s and 1980s live albums had no studio overdubs, I couldn't instill a rule that said ''no overdubs'', which technically allows Kiss' Alive an entry, despite perhaps being 99% re-recorded.

Honorable mentions: MC5 (Kick Out The Jams), The Talking Heads (The Name Of The Band Is), Bob Seger (Live Bullet), Jimi Hendrix (Message To Love: At The Isle Of Wight 1970), Leonard Cohen (Live In London), Cream (Live Cream Volume II), Page & Plant (Unledded), Jane's Addiction (Jane's Addiction), U2 (Under A Blood Red Sky), The Roots (Come Alive), Bob Marley & The Wailers (Live!), Rush (Exit... Stage Left), James Brown (Live At The Apollo), Cypress Hill (Live At The Fillmore), Rage Against The Machine (Live At The Grand Olympic Auditorium), and The Allman Brothers Band (Live At The Fillmore East).

Had Pearl Jam released their own MTV Unplugged as a stand-alone release rather than coupled with the re-editon of Ten, it'd have cracked my top-3.

And, no, no Peter Frampton (Frampton Comes Alive, Frampton Come Alive II) - I'll show you the way to the door, and baby you won't love my way, any day; no Cheap Trick (Live At Budokan) either, and anyone who says the contrary is either a nostalgic baby-boomer or has been raised/brainwashed by one, and deserves to go to hell and perpetually listen to Iron Maiden's Live After Death. Didn't I hear you crying? Then fuck off.

Also, no jazz, because let's face it: a shitload of those golden-era records were cut live, and the line-ups changed so much they were mostly just all-star teams with a different MVP on the cover; the same twelve guys would be interchangeable in sets of three, four or five and just go out playing, it'd be too hard to decipher where one line-up trumps the other one and why, then force-feed them into the rock/pop/blues-based idiom for comparison. 

Video Of The Week: Queens Of The Stone Age

Dear Gwen Stefani Avril Lavigne: this is how you instill Japanese-culture clichés (though technically these are supposed to be Korean clichés, but ''the whole lot of them are Japanese'') in a video and not look like a racist asshole: you start by using men, because in our part of the world, it's fine to treat men / make men seem like shit because not only do they deserve it historically, but they still own a lot of the stuff we eat, buy, use, and die into and die of. And die from. And die with. In other words, we still live and die because of men, regardless of how many women CEOs will populate the landscape within 5 years. So, men: check.

Also, don't go pseudo-erotic/pedo. Ok, sure, some women still go for rich men in suits, but not when they behave drunken, spoiled idiots who can do what they want. We want that shit implied, not thrown at us, so when we're shown how dumb adults can be, it's usually a turn-off. But going with the ''barely legal'' schoolgirl angle is threading a very fine line between titillation and abomination. ''Jail bait'' was acceptable in the 1960s, it was funny in 1977, it was a guilty pleasure in the 1990s, but it's just immoral nowadays. I won't get into the debate of ''what if a 19-year old falls in love with a 15-year old'', I get that, but there are far too many examples nowadays of men in their 30s and 40s fucking marrying 12-year olds to just fuck off with a lot of that imagery, at least in popular art, unless as a means to expose it.

Also, I think even Halloween costume stores are tired of and fed up with the whole ''slutty this'' and ''pervy that'' crap, so ''horny schoolgirl'' is so passé. Then again, Avril, 2003 called... (and on the other hand, now married to a guy old enough to be your grandfather... no, wait, I'm glad love knows no boundaries - I apologize).

And there's something to be said about using the clichés that pertain to just one ethicity and those who fit with many - such as grown men drinking and being dicks, or just having lapses in judgement. You have that in England, Scotland, India, Brazil, Québec - they just don't all go to karaoke bars. Well, they might in Québec, but that's besides the point. And those karaoke bars are usually country-music themed, which just makes it weirder. And I digressed some more.

Also: violence always saves the day.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Queens Of The Stone Age's Smooth Sailing, directed by Hiro Murai:

Friday, May 23, 2014

Florida Mayor Arrested for Dealing Oxycodone

When articles begin with a punchline - and you're the butt of it - you've sunken pretty low. Except in this case, I'm not sure of it's just Rob Ford or the whole city of Toronto who are ridiculed:
Hey, Toronto, we see your crack-smoking mayor with a coke-snorting congressman, and raise you a hillbilly heroin-dealing mayor. (...)
Upon announcing the arrest, the local sheriff couldn't help but take a shot at Rob Ford, either.
"This isn't Toronto. We will not tolerate illegal drug activity, in my jurisdiction, by anyone, to include our elected officials," Polk County Sheriff Gordon Smith said in a news release posted on his department's Facebook page.
So thank you, Barry Layne Moore, mayor of Hampton, Florida, for entertaining the masses while Ford's in rehab... and for looking the part, too:

Right out of Grand Theft Auto V.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Classic Album Covers Put Back Into Their Element

I've been sitting on this for a month and a half now, and really, there was no reason why; it's not like I can say anything more than what it is, or add to it in any way...

The Guardian came up with a great way to waste their time (and ours) by using Google Street View to place some classic album covers back into their natural habitat, and the result is pretty cool:

I didn't post Abbey Road, of course, but check the link above for what they came up with; it's a rpetty neat project to undertake, and can easily be expanded periodically, and regionally for less international talents.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Top 10s This Week

Top 10 Songs:

10. BIG SHOT, The Pack A.D. (2013)
9. STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GATES, Tech N9ne (feat. Serj Tankian) (2013)
8. BEAT THE DRUM SLOWLY, Timber Timbre (2014)
7. ORDINARY LOVE, U2 (2013)
6. FOR IT ALL NOW, Outernational (2013)
5. ARABELLA, Arctic Monkeys (2014)
4. DEMON, Kandle (2013)
3. HIGGS BOSON BLUES, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (2013)
2. SHARP, Red Mass (2014)
1. SWEATPANTS, Childish Gambino (feat. Problem) (2014)

Top 10 NHL 2nd Round Performers:

10. MARC-ANDRÉ FLEURY, Pittsburgh Penguins
9. RYAN GETZLAF, Anaheim Ducks
BRENDAN GALLAGHER, Montréal Canadiens 
7. PATRICK KANE, Chicago Blackhawks
6. RYAN McDONAUGH, New York Rangers
MARIAN GABORIK, Los Angeles Kings
4. JONATHAN QUICK, Los Angeles Kings
3. JONATHAN TOEWS, Chicago Blackhawks
COREY CRAWFORD, Chicago Blackhawks
P.K. SUBBAN, Montréal Canadiens

Video Of The Week: Tech N9ne (Feat. Serj Tankian)

You might recall Tech N9ne from the Gathering Of The Juggalos infomercial I wrote about yesterday...

To non-rap heads, his fast, chopped-up flow (''Chopper'' rap) can sound a bit like Eminem's, but it goes as far as Young MC and F.U. Schnikens, speed-wise, and Kool Moe Dee in his mathematical, square precision, then evolved with Bone Thugs-N-Harmony and later Twista. That's his genealogy, though some music critics just dismiss him as being a juggalo.

But the guy has skills, and a mastery of words that goes beyond what other rappers talk about (bling, bitches, and general booty), and he has some philosophical depth to him, although at times it delves a tad too much into religion - particularly of the Christian kind - to my taste.

More and more, he seems to invite collaborators who aren't on the label he owns (Strange Music), and it makes for better diversity, as well as pushes him to outdo himself and innovate; such is the case with Straight Out Of The Gate, featuring System Of A Down's Serj Tankian:

NHL Playoff Predictions, Round 3

I was 4/4 in Round 2, but this one will be problematic - on one side at least.

New York Rangers versus Montréal Canadiens:

Luck of the draw, I guess, but one I've been looking forward to since the playoffs began. Henrik Lundqvist will look nothing like the King Henrik we've gotten used to, and Carey Price at the opposite end of the ice will look imperial himself, for the simple fact that Lundqvist just cannot seem to stop the puck when it's shot from the stick of a player wearing the bleu-blanc-rouge, and if Price played the Rangers 82 times a year, he'd have the wins and shutouts records already and seven Vezina trophies. Add my current pick for the Conn Smythe trophy - and reigning Norris trophy winner P.K. Subban - and a team effort that saw all forwards registering at least a point in a 4-game sweep in the first round, and the confidence of just having ousted the President's Trophy-winning Boston Bruins, plus the ghosts of the Old Forum, and the Rangers never had a chance. 7-1, 6-4, 5-3, 8-0.

Habs in 4.

Los Angeles Kings versus Chicago Blackhawks:

This one's problematic. I don't see the Hawks winning it in 5 like they did last year. If they do win, though, they will not repeat as champions, because they're the type of team the Habs can beat; if the Kings come out on top, they will demolish Montréal in the next round. My favourite Canadian goalie Corey Crawford is more stable and regular than his counterpart, Jonathan Quick, but Quick is the best in the world under pressure. If Quick decides the puck's not going in, you can throw 75 pucks at him, it won't get past him; if he's off his game, though, you can score 5 or 6 in the same period. The same can be said for the Kings in general: as they have shown against the Anaheim Ducks, if they decide to play a puck-possession game, the other team just won't get to touch the puck. At some point, they had held the Ducks to just 8 shots in 57 minutes of play spread over two game. But I respect the reigning Champs too much to dismiss them. It smells like fate for Montréal, so something will happen to make the Kings lose, maybe an injury to Marian Gaborik or Anze Kopitar.

Hawks in 7.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Juggaling For Money

I cannot believe that Cypress Hill and La Coka Nostra are participating in the Gathering Of The Juggalos this summer...

Like, seriously, maybe they're strapped for cash, but there are other ways...

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Next Up On My Wall: 3 Autographed Samantha Fox Posters

Here is a post lifted from my Collectibles blog...

I received this cylinder in the mail two weeks ago and have been waiting to make good use of it ever since:

Yes, that's direct mail from Samantha Fox, my favourite lead singer of the 1980s, my favourite pop music queen, my childhood crush obsession, the lone ''non-rock'' patch on my teenage jean jacket...

I contemplated having its contents laminated, but because they are of ''unusual'' (read: British) dimensions (12x16.5 inches), I would have had to do so on larger-than-the-poster canvasses; it took me a long time to find ideal-sized and affordable frames... until last Sunday.

And so:

Oh, yes, these are going on my wall.

She sells unsigned versions of these at 10 pounds apiece ($20 U.S.), and signed ones for 30 each ($60 U.S.). I got them for much, much less than that - because I'm a musician, proved to be a true fan, did my best to attend every single one of her performances in my part of the world... and took advantage of a sale on her website. 1+1+1= oh yeah.

There are days where I regret some of the choices I've made in my life, like foregoing on a hockey career to pursue my education, or choosing the least faithful out of two possible ladies as a long-term companion, or leading a relatively unhealthy lifestyle without the trade-off of at least feeling like it was worth the damage done.

But there are days where I tell myself that every choice I've made has led me right here, and there is no way I could possibly want to trade that away. This is one of them:

There is a God - he just hasn't made me a photographer. BEST BLACK DRESS, EVER; ALL-TIME GREATEST USE OF WIND. I even noticed the shoes, and I'm neither gay nor a lady! Oh, and superb signature. I nominate this as the greatest piece of human history ever created.

There is also this sexy bustier shot, which I had a blown-up poster of (unsigned) earlier in my life:

And this one, showing a rather large tattoo I had never noticed on her before (let me reiterate that I've seen her perform live and state for the record that I've met her maybe 5 years ago when she came to town to play an outdoors show at out Gay Pride festival):

Another cool black dress, the like of could have been worn in a sexy, almost-goth fashionable wedding à la November Rain, the epic 1992 Guns N' Roses video. I volunteer to be the groom.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Wu-Tang Clan: Nothing Left To Fuck With

If it ever came down to me chopping my own dick off and jumping off a building in an attempt to kill myself, I sure as shit hope my friends won't pretend they never knew me or do everything in their power to disassociate themselves from me.

I'd understand if they failed to comprehend the reasons behind my actions, if they thought it was a tad extreme and/or bizarre; I'd be impressed if one of them wondered to the media how long it would take me to slice my genitalia off - but I'd like to think that because of what we've gone through together, none of them would feign not having known me at all.

And that's really the one thing that has thrown me off the most about the story of Christ Bearer (Andre Johnson to the I.R.S.), the Northstar / West Coast Killa Beez rapper who either chopped off his manhood and jumped off a two-storey balcony in front of his friends, or was castrated and almost killed by a bunch of thugs who switched sides on him.

I get that RZA produced his record and that he was featured on a few solo songs from members of the Wu-Tang Clan, but that as a whole they may not have all met - or even liked - him. But to go as far as posting this picture on their Facebook page the day it hit the news was a tad cold:

'Cause I don't know about you, but this album cover with a huge 'W' in the middle of their logo and RZA's name on it twice:

Bobby Digital is RZA's 'weird rap' alter-ego

and this still shot:

kind of speak to me as having at least one member's ''ok'' to proceed with saying you're affiliated in some capacity.

In a XXL interview, RZA ultimately referred to him as ''a guy we gave a chance to'', after calling him insane for 25 straight sentences. But he admits he was one of the first people Johnson called after getting released from jail recently. Seems like the love is only going one way on this one...

Just when he needed their help the most, the Wu cut him off.

TMZ reports that doctors were not able to reattach the former Wu member's member:
Wu-Tang affiliated rapper Andre Johnson is just plain Andre now ... because doctors weren't able to reattach his penis.
That's a low blow for me to cut and paste, given the circumstances, to re-post TMZ's lack of tact. I apologize.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

This Week's Top 10s

Top 10 Songs:

10. ARABELLA, Arctic Monkeys (2014)
9. UNCONDITIONNAL LOVE, Against Me! (2014)
8. BEAT THE DRUM SLOWLY, Timber Timbre (2014)
7. ORDINARY LOVE, U2 (2013)
6. FOR IT ALL NOW, Outernational (2013)
5. HIGGS BOSON BLUES, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (2013)
4. BIG SHOT, The Pack A.D. (2013)
3. SHARP, Red Mass (2014)
2. DEMON, Kandle (2013)
1. SWEATPANTS, Childish Gambino (feat. Problem) (2014)

Top 10 April Returns From My Collectibles Blog:

8. JOEL OTTO (4 cards)
7. RÉJEAN LEMELIN (4 cards)
6. EDWARD PASQUALE (6 cards)
5. STÉPHAN LEBEAU (6 items)
4. SCOTT MELLANBY (6 cards)
3. CHARLIE HUDDY (7 items)
(10 items)

Video Of The Week: Kandle

It's been a couple of months since I last featured Kandle, and she remains one of the acts I listen to the most these days. Directed by David Valiquette, this black-and-white video for Demon will have its main line (''You've got to go'') stuck inside your brain for weeks, I promise.

Kandle looks like a human version of Taylor Swift and sounds like P.J. Harvey covering The Velvet Underground on modern instruments, so she's everything I could ask for in terms of layered, smart dark-ish pop, and her songs fit so well with the current weather, with summer struggling to arrive, and grey skies and rain a daily occurrence, feeling more like autumn than spring.

Then again, if the Montréal Canadiens beat the Boston Bruins tonight, no one on this God-forsaken island will care about the temperature, because the sun will rise within our entrails, warm our hearts and burn our depression away.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

This Week's Top 10 Songs

Top 10 Songs:

10. YOUR SKIN, Macedo (2014)
9. ORDINARY LOVE, U2 (2013)
8. BEAT THE DRUM SLOWLY, Timber Timbre (2014)
7. FOR IT ALL NOW, Outernational (2013)
6. BIG SHOT, The Pack A.D. (2013)
5. HIGGS BOSON BLUES, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (2013)
4. UNCONDITIONNAL LOVE, Against Me! (2014)
3. SHARP, Red Mass (2014)
2. CONTROL ME, Kandle (2014)
1. SWEATPANTS, Childish Gambino (feat. Problem) (2014)

Video Of The Week: Pato & Richie Main

Yes, I have found a more disturbing video than Corey Feldman's.

You may remember Pato (a.k.a. Patrice Wilson) from the rap verse in Rebecca Black's Friday - my apologies if you do. This time, he has teamed up with Richie Main and directors Ian Hotchkiss and Chris Lowe (and, I assume, a first-year photography College student who makes one of the best tree/flower designs in his graphics designs class) to bring you Face Time (download it for free here!), a regular pop song set in a dark, black-and-white studio-shot weird video where the running theme is ''penetration of holes''.

Indeed, when it's not a woman being double-teamed by Pato and Richie whose penises turn into climbing plants and penetrate her simultaneously and making her 30 years younger, it's her younger self vomiting an apple tree whose fruit gets eaten by the two singers, then her swallowing a snake, one of the guys sideways-farting on her, prompting her to grow vines out of her ass that go back into his ass, prompting him to vomit his own apple tree, followed by the line ''Gimme some face time, girl!''

And other lyrics like ''All I need is wi-fi and your mind'' remind me why my own music audience is but a few thousand people.

If one song had the ability to kill pop music for good, this would be our generation's.

NHL Playoff Predictions, Round 2

Pardon me for my delay, Life got underway...

I was 6/8 in the first round, so there's that, but the second round should be home to at least as many twists and turns as the first one.

Chicago Blackhawks versus Minnesota Wild:

Long live the Champs, at least for another round. The Wild almost lost a third goalie to injury in the first round, and I'm afraid their win over Colorado may have drained their emotions a bit. Also, while I have tremendous respect for their young guys, and veterans Ryan Suter and Zach Parise are steady and stable, they just don't stack up to Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook on defense, Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane and Marian Hossa on the attack, and Corey Crawford is a rock in nets.

Hawks in 6.

Anaheim Ducks versus Los Angeles Kings:

This one will break my heart. I never liked the Ducks, and I was pissed off when they won their first (and so far only) Cup, but Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf just won me a hockey pool that made me rich, and I want to reiterate that I do wish Teemu Selanne win it again, and Saku Koivu get one too. But I've had a thing for the Kings since they traded for Wayne Gretzky, and head coach Darryl Sutter just sent me a signed hockey card, and I love how they play - though it'd be even better if they scored as many goals as their talented unit was able to. But hockey's a team sport, so it's about the group, not the individuals. Kings it is.

Kings in 7.

Boston Bruins versus Montréal Canadiens:


This one's the hardest to predict, not because it pits the tougher-then-nails regular-season champions against the smallest team in the post-season, not because it's my hometown team against their 90-year fiercest rivals, but because if History has its say (this will be the 34th post-season chapter in this storied rivalry), the Habs have won when they were favourites, when the teams were evenly matched, and even more so when they were underdogs. As a matter of fact, the Canadens pretty much always win against the Bruins, the one team Boston are historical chokers against. It doesn't help that the Habs are also (or, by association) their star goalie Tuukka Rask's anathema, the one nemesis he just cannot win against...

Except that not only do Carey Price and springtime hockey don't mix, the reason for that is he is particularly awful against the Bruins and Flyers. But let's stick to the Bruins for our favourite underachiever. He is the only goalie in team history to have lost two playoff series against the teddy bears. Then again, despite his two losses, the Canadiens are still 24-9 so far against their biggest rivals, so perhaps even he cannot mess this up for Montréal. But if one guy can, it's #31.

Canadiens in 6.

Pittsburgh Penguins versus New York Rangers:

Huh, Pittsburgh made it to the second round, albeit barely. I don't know, though, I still don't trust them, apart from Evgeni Malkin - my choice for best player in the world. Nah, give me Henrik Lundqvist, Ryan McDonaugh, Martin St-Louis, and Brad Richards. Give me the Big Apple, an island, culture, and a coast. Give me colours other than black and fucking gold. Save me from the uselessness of cuddly animals as a sports team's namesake. The Rangers win this even if they dress your hungry, your poor, your huddled masses - and Rick Nash.

Rangers  in 6.