Mansplaining Reactions To The News That Ryan Adams Was An Asshole

The New York Times continued to out public personalities as assholes/abusers today with a researched piece that has seven women (among them his ex-wife Mandy Moore) accuse indie darling Ryan Adams of being a manipulative creep.

It's a tad short (the article, not the women's suffering), but to the point.

I believe the women's suffering, and I believe there being (at least) seven makes for a pattern. Those are statements that are most likely facts, in a legal manner of speaking.

What I have a problem with is the public lynching in lieu of due process and the lumping apples and oranges to create a bigger story than it is.

Case in point, one at a time:

From this post

"95% of the music industry, from the independents to the huge stars, are mediocre pervert dudes." Notwithstanding the fact that almost all pop stars are female, that most of the music paid for in the past five years has been made by or with women, that the most influencial acts of the 1990s that weren't part of the "Seattle grunge quadrinity" (Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Soundgarden and Alice In Chains, maybe Mudhoney and Chicagoans Smashing Pumpkins thrown in for good measure) or Nine Inch Nails were women, including a lot of other Seattle acts (Hole, Babes In Toyland, Bikini Kill, L7, Sleater-Kinney, The Fastbacks, The Gits, Heart/The Lovemongers, Sonic Youth, Unwound, Bratmobile, 7 Year Bitch, The Breeders, Veruca Salt, The Pixies, Suture). I'm sure I'm forgetting obvious ones.

The Beastie Boys - not quite my cup of tea -  helped Luscious Jackson and Cibo Matto have success, because friends help friends, and gender doesn't have to be an issue.

One of the best songwriters of all time came from the 1990s, PJ Harvey, in England, but my limited knowledge of British music from my adulthood has me thinking ladies may have been rarefied there indeed. On the American side of the pond, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco and Liz Phair made a huge dent. In Canada, a jazz singer and pianist, Diana Krall, became a world-renowned jazz legend - the only jazz legend borne out of the 1990s of any gender. I doubt their critically-acclaimed work came only from their looks or men wanting to sleep with them.

I was not a fan of Garbage, Fiona Apple, Björk or Alanis Morrissette, but they had clout.

In the 2000s, the only decent new male rock acts were The Strokes, The Raconteurs and The White Stripes (female drummer). The rest of the fun and quality came from Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Kills, Sahara Hotnights, Arcade Fire, The Donnas, First Aid Kit, The Pack A.D., The Dead Weather and so many others acts that proven women have a lot more balls and talent than their tired and lame male counterparts. Did all of those acts have to sell their bodies to make it?

And about the men...

Artists: Eddie Vedder, Trent Reznor, Beck, Andre 3000, Ben Gibbard, Marilyn Manson, Jack White, Robert Plant...

Executives: David Geffen, Russell Simmons, Bruce Pavitt, Jimmy Iovine, Berry Gordy... all pervert dudes? Each of their public personae go against all of that.

That's a serious fucking accusation, a high fucking number - and completely made up.

I ran a music festival for over a decade and every night, we had at least one woman on stage - usually one in at least two-thirds of the acts, never with a quota in mind - it just happened that way because that's what was good and worth sharing to concert-goers; the only style of music that didn't fit that statistic was noize - which is basically a bunch of solo sound nerds doodling and tweedling on knobs.

Here's another extremely harsh accusation:

From this post

I get the sarcasm, I get the exaggeration for effect, but while we're conducting public lynchings instead of going through the (failed, uneven, biased) Justice System, we are all responsible of our words, for the scope and impact of our comments. Hyperbole is dangerous. It isn't you with your friends in someone's living room; it's public, to the world. It's your public reflection of you.

If a threatening tweet can result in probably cause condemnations, so should false accusations.

Fuck, (wo)man, how many rapists do you think are around?

And all of that is saying nothing about the fact that if any one of the people overreacting to this story in particular played devil's advocate for just a few minutes, they could see that he actually has a half-credible defense if he can get expert testimony from a qualified shrink.

That probably wouldn't be enough to prove he wasn't responsible for the way his victims felt (civil case), but there may be enough evidence that someone who was already recognized as having had bouts of mental illness was just responding the way his brain was letting him, with threats of suicide and bipolarity (not guilty in a criminal case).

We're not there yet, but it helps to once in a while put yourself in the other side's shoes with a clean slate instead of a bias to understand the pattern of behaviour.

Again, I'm not defending his actions. But when he says he can sue over this, he might have a case.

What works for the NYT is having his ex-wife and ex-fiancée on record corroborating his actions in terms of behavioral change, tonal change, and so forth. They likely won't get him on impeding careers (not of all seven anyway, but maybe Moore), and he definitely inquired about the young one's age (she refused to provide ID and they never met in person) enough to get away with what would possibly have been the worst charge of all.

As a "fan" of legalese, this is far from the Bill Cosby case, but it's also far from the Chris Hardwick case.

About #MeToo

You may have seen it, all over your Facebook or Twitter feeds, as I have, in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal, the #MeToo hashtag with accompanying text:

I have deliberately cut out most of the picture and name to protect her identity for future reference.

Better yet:

The fact that pretty much everyone of my female friends followed suit - some even going so far as detailing when and how it happened - proves this is a generalized issue.

However, I want to point one thing out, for clarification's sake: the results of these stories has to come out for two reasons: 1. in case some people want to prosecute their abusers; and 2. for society to change and build from this for a better future. That being said, we should not, by any means, require victims to share their most intimate secrets in public to get that ball rolling. That's not how it should work.

I'm all for "innocent until proven guilty", I realize some famous folks have been wrongly accused these past few years, that's all good, a crime's punishment should require an actual trial, not an online lynch mob; on the other hand, victims must be believed and protected as well. You can do both in a civilized society. There may even be cases - that's where a true court comes in - where a victim may feel wronged but when the facts come to light, the defense may be able to make a credible case that there was middle ground; in the U.S., that's where civil court comes in, with punitive damages awarded.

Further debate and explanations on that issue, however - as with my own #MeToo because, as a Man, this is not my day to join that side of the argument - is for another day.

Today, my statement is this: I do not consider to have been a torturer in that sense, because just hearing the word "no" calms my manhood down for the rest of the night, as many disappointed role-playing ladies have found out. But there was a time as a child when I was discovering myself and sharing the experience with friends and relatives where now, as an adult, feel were either fucking weird or may have crossed some sort of line, and hopefully I didn't scar anyone for life. I have been told it was "normal childhood behaviour" by professionals, but kids are a mess anyway.

This does not mean I haven't been part of the problem, as an asshole, at an age where I probably knew better and could handle some responsibility.

I try to be a good person, and I try to improve on that every day. Some days I can't. Many times when I can't, I don't cause much damage to anyone but myself, if that.

But I have disrespected women, some of whom I even dated. I have said harsh thing. Terrible things. I even asked someone who had been on my case for an entire night "When will you die?". Jesus Christ. I'm haunted and tormented by the shit I've done - not just to women, to men too; I've said it here before, I've seen both sides, I've been bullied and I've been a bully, but fuck, man.

I'm in my late 30s now. I want kids. Chances are, if I do have some, they'll have some of my DNA. I don't want my kids to do what I did or say the things I've said. And here's the thing: my Mom was an amazing parent. She taught me to want to be - and do - good. She's probably the reason why I didn't turn out a criminal like some of my friends or some of my folk heroes. I don't know if I can do any better than she did, but I know there is shit I've had to learn by trial and error - and ages 8-10, then again around 15-16, I've erred quite a bit - that will look a hell of a lot like History Repeating Itself to me if and when I notice them from my kid(s) or their friends.

Sure, you try to teach them the basics: good, not evil; treat everybody equally, regardless of everything; help those in need. Some of that will have to come with reminders sometimes. Then there'll be the path corrections when they stray.

I have no idea if it'll stick. Because every day, I live with everything I've done in the four decades that I've been on this planet. And today, I'm thinking particularly of what I did and said to one gender. Friends, girlfriends, teachers, strangers.

I haven't always been a part of the solution. I'm trying to be, I really am, because there's only so much weight I can carry. But mostly because it's the Right thing to do.

Bad Cops, Bad Cops, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Here is a list of recent ''awful cop stories'' excluding those involving them killing someone.

They came to light after this video was leaked:



Again, I come from a family of - I hope -presumably good cops, including one who arrests other cops. I know the ''guy culture'', and I understand some might feel underpaid for the shit they have to go through.

But police committing crimes should be subjected to twice the penalty a citizen would, on one hand. And there should be no level of tolerance of minimizing crimes they might have to deal with.

I'm as appalled in this video by the cops' talk of ''turning a blind eye'' as I am of the rape ''joke'', as a principle, but this is exactly what people refer to as us living in a ''rape culture''. If you can't trust the police to take you seriously, when they are merely the first step on a long and arduous ladder of justice, then the case is hopeless from the start.

That's why a lot of sex crimes go unreported. Events like this one, precisely. As much as news stories about rapist cops, maybe more so because it occurs more often.

You want to make jokes? Grab a microphone and get on a stage. When you're paid and wearing your uniform, take your job seriously. Or quit. Or volunteer to get raped yourself.

Go Texas, eh?

Fonts And Nonsense

I came across this article about a Pepsi ad about a month ago, but time hasn't really been on my side of late, so I delayed posting about it until now. Which is silly, really, because there isn't really much to say, because seeing is believing and forming your own opinion:

If it looks to you like it says ''PEPSI X RAPE'', that's because it almost does, as the article states:

Pepsi is quickly learning this lesson after partnering with Japanese clothier A Bathing Ape.

Nothing suspicious there; collaborations happen all the time.

But to promote the brand’s AAPE line, Pepsi chose a font that might skew the meaning a bit for the casual passerby.

I'm not one to be easily offended - if at all; as a matter of fact, I'm usually the first one to promote offensive stuff, because I find North Americans hypocritial about being über politically correct in their speech and yet borderline psychotic in their actions and beliefs (particularly the right-wing, pro-life, pro-death penalty, ''don't touch my guns/don't tread on me'', vaguely-to-extremely racist and violent in their tone with everyone who disagrees with them folks).

But that's precisely why I would avoid, as a marketing professional, the use of a font which involuntarily - I hope - associates a household name in the beverage industry with one of the worst crimes one could commit, probably on par with murder: the rise of violence in our public discourse in the Age Of The Internets has brought forth a very loud consortium of voices calling for and promoting violence against women; sure, a lot of them are just trolling, but in a world where public shootings occur more than once a week, the creeps are no longer afraid to come out of the woodwork and seem to be encouraged by a certain public spotlight to try to one-up their brethren.

We don't need to further encourage them via that large a brand-name recognition. I probably wouldn't have minded if it was a brand I truly despised, or a start-up that I could associate with rapists, psychopaths and other dudebros from the start; free speech does mean one (or one brand) can choose its target audience, just like Barilla decided they didn't need the gay clientele, or Denny's didn't need black customers. But the second-largest soft drink company in the world probably should have been more careful...

Welcome To The 14th Century

By now you've probably heard about Marte Deborah Dalelv, the Norwegian woman who was sentenced to 16 months in prison in Dubai after having gone to the police to report she had been raped by a colleague.

If not, here are the facts - those that can be proven in a court of law, at least: she went out one night with friends and work colleagues, was accompanied to her hotel by a colleague around 3AM, things ensued, she managed to get out of the room she was in when room service came for the wake-up call, called the police to report she had just been raped, then spent four days in jail; her passport was confiscated and never returned.

After four days, the only thing that happened was this:

A piece of paper with Arabic text was handed to her, she said. An Arabic speaker told her it listed two charges against her: one for sex outside of marriage and the other for public consumption of alcohol. Both are violations of the law in the United Arab Emirates.

She claims her colleague raped her that night - and it is (most) probably true.

She was later told by either the police or the person managing her case (who was also her translator, the United Arab Emirates being an Arab country) that she should change her story from ''rape'' to ''consensual sex'' so she could just forget about the ordeal and go back home, and deal with the situation from there.

But as anyone in the right frame of mind would have realized, that would not only be admitting guilt about the two charges against her, it would also add perjury to the mess - and that's what she was found guilty of. Well, that and the other two, of course, which her recant pretty much admitted to:

Dalelv was convicted Tuesday on all three charges and was sentenced to one year in jail for having unlawful sex, three months in jail for making a false statement and one month for illegal consumption of alcohol.

There are three things I want to say about this case. First, it's fucking awful what happened to her, her government should stop at nothing to get her back home safely. And I do mean nothing: money, bribery, sending in the fucking army, getting Bill Clinton to act as negotiator - anything.

Secondly, though, we all need to reflect a bit more before we accept to go into foreign countries, find out what we're getting into before accepting the consequences. Many all over the world are reacting to this particular story and saying the UAE is an ''ass-backwards'' country, where women have no rights, etc. Which is all true. She is not the first woman in this situation. 99% of them know not to go to the police with their story because it'll just make matters worse, but all of those who did got in trouble for it:

In December 2012, a British woman reported being raped by three men in Dubai. She was found guilty of drinking alcohol without a license and fined.

In January 2010, a British woman told authorities she was raped by an employee at a Dubai hotel. She was charged with public intoxication and having sex outside of marriage.

An Australian woman reported in 2008 that she was drugged and gang-raped. She was convicted of having sex outside marriage and drinking alcohol, and she was sentenced to 11 months in prison.

The men there live in a culture that lets this happen all the time; every time one (or a bunch of them) get away with it, it just reinforces their attitude and almost encourages them to act this way. If 91 women can get raped in merely 4 days in public in Egypt (other reports claim ''at least'' 169 were raped in Tahir Square in the same period, 80 on July third alone), a 'moderate' country which has just discovered democracy, how the fuck do you think they're going to act in one where Sharia Law is in full effect?

Which brings me to #3. I'm all for instituting rules, and protecting people - heck, I've often been quoted as saying many troubles would be saved if all countries pledged that well-being laws would apply to all citizens equally and if there were also a universal minimum wage - which would put an end to child labor and poorly-maintained death/suicide-factories in third world countries.

But one thing we can't do overnight - nor in a few centuries, apparently - is change the mores and customs of folks. Countries are different for a reason, and immigration is massive for another - well, a lot of other reasons, but one of them is that if you don't like where you were born, and it doesn't fit your moral compass, and you do not feel like you can make enough of a difference there to make it more like you'd want it to be, you can leave. You can smuggle yourself out, or you can apply for a visa, for immigration - as a potential resident or refugee. Almost anywhere.

Sure, you can be born into a world where your rights are negated from day one and not even be aware that it's wrong, much less that you can change it. This is particularly true of countries who restrict their citizens' rights and/or access to media and information. But people from the West should know what they're getting into by now when working abroad - especially since most of them are qualified, certified, highly-paid skilled workers, usually very educated. They should refuse at the very first sign of unsettling business.

Now, don't get me wrong: I AM NOT BLAMING THE VICTIM for getting raped. She ''wasn't asking for it'', she was just overpowered by the wrong asshole who happens to have been taking advantage not only of her, but also of the fact that he was in a country that forgives men for those types of actions while it judges women for far simpler transgressions (drinking? really?).

Maybe she knew that those things happened in Dubai, but didn't know how frequent it got, because most of those crimes go unreported, and she wrongly evaluated her chances of it happening to her as being similar to Norway.

We should seriously re-evaluate sending them workers at all, or at the very least make sure they're protected 24 hours a day. Anything else just seems like it would have no effect on how women get treated in the UAE anyway.

Again, my three points:
1. get her back home safely, quickly
2. I don't think we can change the UAE
3. we should stop sending folks there, short of having them be accompanied by a Blackwater commando for protection

Just writing this made me angrier than I was reading the article, because three hours went into it rather than 10 minutes. Now I need to go throw up.

World Upside Down

How many days had it been without a Republican mentioning rape? Two? Three?

This time, New Mexico State Rep. Cathrynn Brown proposes a bill that would make abortions illegal after rape or incest, for cause of ''destroying evidence''...

Behind this ''nice grandma'' smile hides a psychopath's psyche

Yes, you read that right: the victim of one of the worst crimes possible could be the one who is jailed if she - by any sort of grim luck - became pregnant with her tormentor's spawn and decided to not be reminded of it every day of the rest of her life. Not that she would likely ever forget, but the thought of raising the child of the man who forced himself onto you should drive anyone fucking crazy.

Honestly, if it weren't for the grim subject matter, you'd think Republicans were carrying out some sort of Andy Kaufman-esque shtick to prove that politics have gone horribly wrong - except politics actually have horribly wrong, because Republicans aren't kidding.

I understand many issues have two - or three, or four - sides to them, and I get it that  abortion would be one of them. I don't understand the mentality of those who are against it, and I don't get that those same people are usually against mental health care, free/affordable education, means to help that kid achieve a respectable life. Until that child is old enough to go to war, that is, then it's time to spend money recruiting them, and should they get injured in combat, the government would also then stop providing care for them (after a short while).

So, essentially, their point is ''keep the kid, we won't help you raise it at all and instead will pretty much render it nearly impossible to do, then let's get him killed''.

Whether those views are based on religion or economics, I don't know and don't care.

But to support the abolition of abortion in such extreme cases - and, in fact, criminalizing it the more extreme the situation becomes - is stupid, dangerous, and evidence that some adults should actually have been aborted oh-so-many years ago.

Oh, Look: Religious Fanatics

Or ''Today's Sign The Apocalypse Is Upon Us'', although I strongly doubt that...

A Kansas medical doctor is in trouble (i.e. on the verge of losing her license) for ''the “sin” of not forcing a mentally ill ten-year old to carry her uncle’s baby to term''. (Technically, she actually lost it.) Her uncle's rape baby.

That is just fucked, no matter what your opinion of ''pro choice/pro life'', or Law, or justice, or family.

I mean, shit: the kid has already been forced to endure what she went through, and now she'd have to be forced to carry, give birth to and (!!!) raise this reminder of rape and incest? As a ten-year old?

You know how The Right say situations degrade because we'd been too permissive for too long? Well, yeah: we've been too permissive of letting nutjobs ruin common sense on all levels of society for too long, for power abusers to protect other types of abusers and...

Ok, hold up. I may be going too far because this hits me where it hurts: child abuse, and human rights.

Right-wing nutjobs have a right to exist and to free speech.

But that should never come before a victim's rights, human rights, and the actual protection of children (not of the ''I don't like what's on TV'' type, the real one).

I feel like the human race has lost just by having to type this.

You know what, though? At least the kid did get the abortion. And hopefully another state will grant Dr. Ann Neuhaus her license and she can get back to doing what she does best (practice medicine) rather than getting her ass kicked in court. Fuck Kansas.

Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Again, I feel I need to specify: I respect (good) cops, come from a family full of them. Two families, in fact, on both my mom's and my dad's sides.

And that is exactly why when one of them commits a heinous fucking crime, it needs to be told to the public and why I once put forth the proposition that policemen should receive double the sentence of a civilian when they commit crimes, once for the crime itself and once more for disrespecting the uniform and corroding the public's confidence in its institutions. Same goes for politicians, although we'd need to build a shitload more new prisons to keep those fat cats locked up.

This story will shock you throughout your fucking soul: a woman called 911 after having one of her windows smashed by a brick, and the cop who came raped her. Key moment:

She now stood on a floor littered with broken glass and pointed to the brick. The cop she had summoned to protect her instead chose this moment to grab the back of her head by her hair and sodomize her. Then he raped her.

Sounds like a scene from Straw Dogs. But with a dirty cop named Ladmarald Cates instead of a dude from True Blood. He was found guilty and could face up to Life in prison. Good start; let the inmates take it from there.

Thin Line Between Law And Rape, Apparently

Forgive my taking over one of Public Enemy's finest song titles, but I found the story behind this demonstration atrocious: it was a protest following a police officer's declarations that if girl are to dress like sluts, then they are subjecting themselves to the threat of being raped.

In 2011. In Toronto, Ontario, Canada - where women (and men) walking topless is protected by law (and by a charter of human rights).

Yet cops are still prejudiced towards what rape victims wear. As if you couldn't get raped if you were wearing a snow suit.

So the march was for women to reclaim the word ''slut'' and take it away from bastards like these.