Video Of The Week: Sabrina Carpenter

So the biggest video this week is Sabrina Carpenter's Why, a faux-clever take on how opposites attract featuring a song with just about zero instruments and no melody or rhymes. It was directed by Jay Martin, who has directed three videos for Shawn Mendes and one apiece for Nas (featuring Amy Winehouse), Daughtry, and Christina Perri:

The kid's 18 and used to be on a Disney Channel show, so I'll let her grow up and live a bit before passing too mean a judgement on her songwriting skills, but suffice it to say I do not understand how millions of people have tuned into this song so far. Apart from the fact that she likely had a fan base from Girl Meets World and the fact that she's a pretty little blonde girl.

Martin has to be criticized for how cheesy the video is, too. Most of the tropes used belong in the 1980s. Then again, so does keyboard-based music that contains no music, so maybe he was just making a point.

Oh, and I just want to point out that this was released on Hollywood Records. Hollywood is a subsidiary of Disney (of course), but it used to be the "adult" and "edgy" branch, the one that released L.A. Guns' sleaze-rock albums, punk-funk pioneers Fishbone, metalcore band Atreyu, Butthole Surfers, Danzig, The Dead Milkmen, neo-swing/alternative rock band Fastball, gay icons Indigo Girls, Insane Clown Posse, Stryper (a cheaper, Christian, less-prone-to-extensive-solos Winger, if you will), The Polyphonic Spree, The Suicide Machines and trip-hop genius Tricky. They have seemingly lost their soul somewhere in the last decade.

R.I.P. Carrie Fisher

Fuck, 2016 is a killer.

Today, Carrie Fisher was the latest esteemed member of the entertainment and arts community to pass away, the result of a heart attack suffered last week while flying from London to Los Angeles.

She was 60 years old, and is survived by her beloved puppy as well as her mother, actress Debbie Reynolds, and daughter, actress Billie Lourd.

As Princess Leia Organa in the Star Wars movies, she was my first silver screen/celebrity crush. I had always dreamed of writing her into a screenplay. In terms of film writing, she, Demi Moore, Rebecca De Mornay and Deborah Kara Unger were my muses when it came to female parts; I tried writing strong, smart parts for women so that one of them would one day play in one, giving me the credibility I needed to keep making and writing movies.

My most mainstream screenplay - for lack of a better word - about a guy who loses it and starts sending dill pickles by mail, had parts for all four of them as his co-workers and bosses in a call center. It was never sold nor picked up, of course, because I am terrible at selling myself.

She will be missed.

She had recently released her autobiography. It's a fine read.

Ice Cube Doesn't Care About Oscar Snub

My favourite quote from Ice Cube pertaining to the fact that Straight Outta Compton "only" got nominated for best screenplay at this year's Oscars is this one: "You can't boycott something you never went to". The rest of his pearls of wisdom are here, including descriptions on how fan and critical reaction was more important than a statuette.

In my mind, there isn't really a snub because it's not like it would have won Best Picture - it wasn't. It was the best biopic of the year, sure, by a long stretch, but biopics by their very definition usually sacrifice artistry and imagination in the name of telling the most accurate story or character personalization possible.

Was F. Gary Gray's (of Friday fame) work as a director worthy of being compared to that of Alejandro G. Innaritu (The Revenant), or even Ridley Scott (The Martian) or Steven Spielberg (Bridge Of Spies), who weren't even nominated themselves? No, absolutely not.

And though he was terrific as Eazy-E, Jason Mitchell's performance wasn't in the same league as that of Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant), who, himself, was leagues ahead of Matt Damon (The Martian), Bryan Cranston (Trumbo) and Eddie Redmayne (The Danish Girl) this year. Or even of Johnny Depp, whose performance in Black Mass was ignored, probably exactly for the sake of not letting voters hesitate between that performance and DiCaprio's.

There weren't many female parts in the film, let alone any stand-outs that deserved to take on the likes of Cate Blanchett (Carol), Jennifer Lawrence (Joy) or Saoirse Ronan (Brooklyn) for Best Actress, nor to challenge Jennifer Jason Leigh (The Hateful Eight), Rooney Mara (Carol), Rachel McAdams (Spotlight), or Kate Winslet (Steve Jobs) in a supporting role.

Which leaves Ice Cube's son, O'Shea Jackson Jr. playing his father, who may have had a shot against Tom Hardy (The Revenant), Mark Ruffalo (Spotlight), and Sylvester Stallone (Creed). Hardy could also have been nominated for Best Actor and Supporting Actor for the same film - British picture Legend. So the younger Cube is the only one who can be deemed a snub - and his own father's like, "fuck it".

Which didn't stop the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to over-react and change its whole voting system to "increase diversity", which could very well prove to be a huge mistake later when less deserving films get awards just so that every shade of the colour and rainbow palette are represented.

Oh, wait, it's the fucking Oscars, the institution that gave Denzel Washington a trophy for the piece of shit that was Training Day instead of Malcolm X; the institution that gave Russell Crowe an award for wearing a skirt in Gladiator instead of his tour-de-force performance in The Insider; the institution that waited until Scent Of A Woman to give Al Pacino the recognition he derserved; the institution that thought Titanic was the best film of 1997 and that Forrest Gump was better in any way than Pulp Fiction in 1994. Oh, yeah, the fucking Oscars. Not rewarding the best piece of art is what they do (see: Birdman last year instead of Boyhood).

They were NEVER about rewarding the best of the indusry, but always about rewarding The Industry.

Cube knows. Cube speaks wisdom. Listen to Cube. Still, it'll be funny to hear Chris Rock tear the Academy a new one for 10 minutes.

Gold Lion

I thought I was among the only households with a pet lion:

Turns out some Hollywood types have the full-size versions of them in their homes:

That's the home actress Melanie Griffith grew up in, with mother (actress) Tippi Hedren and father (director) Noel Marshall, and lion Neil, as the family was ''researching'' living with large cats.

This Week's Top 10s

Top 10 Songs:

10. HIGGS BOSON BLUES, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds (2013)
9. INSTANT CRUSH, Daft Punk (feat. Julian Casablancas) (2013)
8. NOT UP TO ME, Kandle (2014)
7. SHARP, Red Mass (2014)
6. WE EXIST, Arcade Fire (2014)
5. LAZARETTO, Jack White (2014)
4. SWEATPANTS, Childish Gambino (feat. Problem) (2014)
3. RIGHT TIME, Nikki Lane (2014)
2. ALL THE RAGE BACK HOME, Interpol (2014)
1. SMOOTH SAILING, Queens Of The Stone Age (2014)

Top 10 Favourite Actresses At The Moment:

10. PAGET BREWSTER
9. JENNIFER LAWRENCE
8. JENNIFER MORRISON
7. OLIVIA WILDE
6. ANNE HATHAWAY
5. JUNE DIANE RAPHAEL
4. MORENA BACCARIN
3. ZOOEY DESCHANEL
2. KAT DENNINGS
1. KATE WINSLET

Celebrities That Look Like Mattresses

Oh God. So good.

Is Sad And Useless the best website at the moment? If not, they're damn close, and their Celebrities That Look Like Matresses (sic) post is the best page I've seen all year...

Here's a sample:

However, their Metal Albums With Googly Eyes post is almost just as good...

April's Blog Suggestions

I have met a lot of creative individuals in my lifetime, and vowed to stay informed and updated on/in their lives, then Life happened and it fell through.

But there are two of these people - who you may not have heard of, though you definitely should have - who have kept hacking at their dream and their voice while living normal lives and raising families and going through hardships, hard times, hard shit - and that I have moderately stayed in contact with.

In no particular order, here they are, both back in the blogging game.

First, Charlotte Martin. She is a terrific songwriter, an exceptional singer, and an even better human being. Married to Ken Andrews (formerly of Failure and Replicants, now a music producer and engineer) for roughly a decade, they have two children and live in California (though she is originally from Chicago). They take turns touring so that one can stay behind with the kids, and her fanbase and circle of friends often intertwines in an odd way that never would have been possible before the internet age. Because of that, she was able to survive and thrive even after ending her relationship with major label RCA.

You should also follow Enid-Raye Adams. She will likely write a lot less often than Charlotte, but every post will turn your life upside down. She hails from Western Canada and at some point decided it would mean a better life for her to return there, but in between she was probably on the verge of finding regular work in Hollywood; you may have seen her in Final Destination 2, The L Word, Dead Like Me, Babylon 5 and Slap Shot 2, but she has since played in a lot of TV series that were filmed in Canada, such as Fringe, The Haunting Hour and Arctic Air. She's an extremely smart person who isn't just a terrific performer but also has a couple of really good screenplays in her. She is also trying to juggle a family life with the added reality of hard economic troubles and a constant questioning of her place in the world, and her level of happiness.

They are both very open about their lives, especially their pain - though Enid-Raye perhaps more so than Charlotte, because she has this feeling that no one's reading her stuff and treats it like a diary that perhaps even her husband doesn't know about (if he does, I hope he doesn't find out about her state of mind through it at times), whereas CharMar feels like each of her readers is a close friend that she doesn't want to have worrying about her.

They are both extremely compelling and thought-provoking. And people you can't help feeling for.

Anna Kendrick's Pearls Of Wisdom

I will admit I am not well versed in matters pertaining to Anna Kendrick, though I have seen 50/50 and Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and plan on seeing Drinking Buddies and Up In The Air.

I hope to never see any of the Twilight movies, and despise musicals so much I ditched an opportunity to watch Pitch Perfect for free...

I guess I may have mistaken her for Isla Fisher's younger sister... maybe I should get to writing a script providing me with just that!

In the meantime, though, The Celebrity Cafe has compiled a list of her top-10 tweets, and I have to admit there's some pretty witty stuff in there!

The Amanda Bynes Fiasco

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more entertaining/sad than Lindsay Lohan... another former child-star, Amanda Bynes, goes and puts herself in a situation where she gets in trouble.

Ultimately, it'll be up to a judge to decide to not treat her as he would a regular person because she is rich and famous and and rule her innocent, but for now, let us compare her mugshot her court picture, and her words:

Making Courtney Love look 'normal'

''I'm sotally tober, officer!''

And these pearls of wisdom:

“I'm suing NYPD for illegally entering my apartment, lying about drugs on me and lying about me tampering with non existent drug paraphernalia, then I'm suing for being put into a mental hospital against my will, then locked up overnight for coming home after a facial and working out with my trainer like the good girl that I am. I’m allergic to alcohol and drugs and don’t partake in any of the above. I’m so offended by all of this but so proud to not be a drug or alcohol user”.

Also:

“The judge saw that there was no drugs on me or proof of any type of bong or mental illness. I was so offended to even be taken to a mental hospital and they would not let me call my lawyer until the next day after being in jail all night, then I went to court and was immediately released because the judge saw that I was wrongly arrested.”

 Overlooking the fact that a judge cannot ''see'' something missing in the past in his absence, I take offense at her offense over the mental illness thing, as if it were something to be ashamed of, it shows a deep misunderstanding of people, and life in general. It's a pretty ignorant statement.

But the best part is still coming up:

“I'm also suing my apartment complex for lying about me smoking in my building. I'm free forever! You can't lock up an innocent person! Thanks for caring! Look forward to seeing me in music videos! I'm getting in shape and getting a nose job! I'm looking forward to a long and wonderful career as a singer/rapper!”

Uh, first of all, tons of innocent people are locked up - a few of them even made it to Death Row. Usually just because they are poor nobodies who suffer from mental illness. But you're clearly none of those, Amanda, so carry on.

So, uh, singer/rapper, eh? Are you so talented that you can be an actress - something that most 'actual' actresses devote decades to without ever earning a living from, and you've been doing on and off in a mediocre way for 10 years or so - and a singer at the same time - another job most professionals perfect for decades before even attempting public performance, then countless years honing their craft?

And rapper? You have a mastery of words and poetry beyond the scope that others do? Your grammar isn't all that awesome -although that could be the booze and/or drugs, but no, you're allergic to those -
and I'm guessing your improv (i.e. ''freestyle'') skills aren't that great if they couldn't get you out of getting arrested.

Unless... oh, did you mean as part of the Star System, with auto-tune, part of the big money-making machine, not in the real world? You wanna make a record, like Paris Hilton? A song featuring a young, hot rapper you can bone while filming a video over a weekend at a Hawaii resort? No need to go through the whole process, then, dear - just call up Pitbull. Everybody else already did. Except Miley Cyrus, she went to Snoop Dogg Lion.

Halle Berry Breast Stunt

I'm curious to see what will become of Movie 43, which seems like a bunch of awkward and funny skits jammed together in one funny, 80-minute block of something that could have been made for TV but will instead cost $15 to see in a crowded environment.

Related to that, I'd be curious to see Halle Berry dip her breasts in guacamole - you know, for the art of it.

Someone Please Explain To Me...

Who the fuck is Courtney Stodden? And why does it matter what she wears?

I should have left it alone, I really should have... but here is what I've learned through 5 seconds of Google:

Alright. So she’s a 17 year-old aspiring model/actress/singer. Like so many others.

Except she’s been married to small-time actor Doug Hutchison (small roles in The Green Mile and 24, played ''plane door opener'' in the 2000 remake of Shaft…), who is 51. since she was 16. Uh-huh, yeah: gross.

But the dude has morals: he refused to play in a movie that would cast him as a director who starts banging his underage actress in The Genesis Of Lincoln. Classy move, no?

But at least Courtney looks 37.

Still, a nobody actor and a nobody actress walk down a street, and people are focusing on what they’re wearing? Why? Who gives a fuck? And why does it make it onto the fucking news?

Where is this world headed, and how can we make the extinction of mankind happen any faster?

Jessica Alba Is Pregnant

Yes, Jessica Alba is pregnant again. She already has a nearly 3-year old kid with her husband, Cash Warren, and People Magazine is claiming they're going to have a second one.

Which means in two - maximum three - years, she'll be divorced. Hollywood standards, I'm not making this up, I'm seeing it in my crystal balls.

Now... when the hell are the two remaining Sin City movies coming out? Aren't they, like, 5 years overdue?

R.I.P. Tura Satana

Last Friday, Tura Satana, of Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! fame died of apparent heart failure at the age of 72. After the difficult shoot, Russ Meyer later regretted not having cast her in future movies, as she made her mark (in a way) with Ted V. Mikels in such films as The Astro-Zombies (1968), The Doll Squad (1974), and Mark Of The Astro-Zombies (2002), as well as cameos in mainstream films such as Who's Been Sleeping In My Bed? and Irma La Douce.

Her biography reads like an improbable journey of everything that would scar a girl for life, including getting gang raped as a child (and later exacting revenge on her assailants one by one after a corrupt judge let them walk), a failed arranged marriage as an early teen, a failed career as a musician, underage nude modeling, and stripping. But she became a silver screen legend regardless, mostly remembered as ''Varla'' in the 1965 Meyer classic.