Michael Bolton Signs John Bolton

Growing up in the 1980s, there were two staples of what was then called "Adult Contemporary" music that were lame as fuck and downright tacky: Kenny G and Michael Bolton. Well, John Tesh, too.

But both Bolton and G, as opposed to Tesh, have since embraced that fact and just ran with it, now laughing at that personae and taking it to new levels in a comedic way.

Bolton's been a tad more successful, particularly via his collaboration with The Lonely Island and his Netflix special, and he was on Stephen Colbert's The Late Show this week to show the ridiculousness of John Bolton's past comments:

I never thought I'd say this until that Lonely Island collab, but that fucking Michael Bolton is one hilarious guy who can sing.

Many Of Donald Trump's 2017 Twitter Attacks/Rants/Spats

Here was Donald Trump's 2017, essentially, considering he and the Republicans passed just one bill of note:

And that's notwithstanding his Twitter was with North Korean President Kim Jong-un.

I'm sure glad he gets along with everybody, 'cause I'd hate to see a world where he doesn't.

Bread Face

Via The New York Times (via BuzzFeed, Vice and Instagram...) comes Bread Face, a woman who, well, uh, likes to smash her face into bread.

Is it art? Is it comedy? Is it just a weird fucking fetish? Is it just that it feels good?

If you can, look up the one where she does it over a super-salty pretzel from Brookly hipster spot Black Forest, over Jennifer Paige's 1998 pop hit Crush... as much as I love pretzels, I'm just worried she'll get salt in her eye(s).

Video Of The Week: The Killers

Christmas has come and past, the Holidays weren't meant to last, but here's a remnant with a bit of a twist, to be added to the original yuletide hit list, Don't Shoot Me Santa by The Killers, featuring Ryan Pardey in the role of a murderous Las Vegas-area Santa:

It was directed by actor Matthew Gray Gubler (of Criminal Minds fame).

Other Vegas staples in the video include digging a hole to bury a body in the Mohave, an old red convertible that Hunter S. Thompson would have loved, and a shitload of sand and dirt.

Happy Holidays!

Trebek's On Fire!

I'll take "Insulting A Contestant" for $500, Alex!



Perhaps Alex Trebek has been hosting Jeopardy! for too long...

Eat At Dick's

Hey, It IS Pride Week

They say all's fair in love and war; and they say team sports are about battling your opponents.

Mitch Marner, a Toronto Maple Leafs prospect, had this to say about what he intends to do this summer and fall: “I want to make sure I feel comfortable enough to go out against men and play hard, and make sure I can go out there and do the things that I like to do.”

The boy and his mentor choose a suitable mate or position

Don't let anyone get in the way of your dream, Mitch. Go hard against those men and do what you like to do.

Dildo Drone

At this point in my life, the burger's the only thing of interest to me in this lady's "top three", but whatever rocks your boat or finds your lost remote, I say...

10 Hours Of Puddi Puddi

Whether you have a toddler that you need to park in front of a screen before you turn crazy of you just want to go insane yourself, here's a good option:


At heart, contrary to what your brain may be telling you, Giga Pudding/Puddi Puddi is not a Japanese brand of pudding; it is, in fact, custard.

It is also the street name for a new drug that is making the rounds in American elementary schools, mixing pudding mix with such known downers as Nyquil, Advil and Vicodin, as well as anti-freeze and Drano. Cool enough to give you a soft buzz with a sweet taste, but in the wrong dosage, very deadly and/or able to cause permanent damage.

S it's no surprise places like 4Chan went nuts with in this winter and it became a meme.

Tenth Time's The Charm

A woman from the Bronx seems to have an unusual addiction: marriages. The problem isn't that the 38-year-old has married 10 times, it's that she hadn't divorced them all before getting hitched again. Husbands 1, 2, 5 and 7, for example, were only let go after her marriage to 9.

Furthermore, according to NBC News, ''Liana Barrientos, 38, is charged with offering a false instrument after allegedly obtaining marriage certificates with 10 men between 1999 and 2010.''

Wait, a false instrument? If all marriages were consummated, I'd say the instrument might have been the only truth that was out there (you see what I did there?), but this will be a fascinating case to watch unfold.

There is some speculation that these marriages are for immigration purposes, so, legally, many departments and charges could each have their own say in how the case is handled.

The New York Times had an interesting and sarcastic take on it:

The year 2002 was very busy for a young woman named Liana Kristina Barrientos.

For one thing, she got married - on Long Island, on Valentine’s Day.

For another, she married again, 15 days later, in Rockland County, to a different man.

Thirteen days after that, while still married to at least two men, she wed yet another, back on Long Island.

And then a few weeks later, when the average bride might still be recovering from her honeymoon, Ms. Barrientos was named in a divorce proceeding initiated by a man she married three years before.

By the time 2002 was done, she would marry three more men, each in a different town in New York State. (...)

Friday is also going to be busy for Ms. Barrientos, who is now 39. She will be arraigned on felony fraud charges in State Supreme Court in the Bronx.

 I'm just astounded that this didn't happen in Florida.

Today's Darryl Sutter Quote

The NHL playoffs are awesome because it's the time of year where Los Angeles Kings head coach Darryl Sutter's forced to hold daily press conferences, and more attention is thrown at the league and journalists who wouldn't normally be on the beat get to ask stupid or obvious questions for a soundbite.

Spring must be nearer, because the ever-quotable coach came up with this beauty (fast-forward to 55 seconds in for just that part):



I mean come on, this is probably the most honest and best quote this week:
“You don’t have to do anything. Just try and win. There’s no such thing as a ‘must-win.’ Nobody gets locked up or thrown in the ocean or anything like that. I’m not into that. It’s just a game.”

Never retire, Mr. Sutter, I implore you.

Senator James Inhofe Is Both Stupid And An Asshole

I'll classify this video as ''humour'' because anyone with a brain will find it ridiculously funny.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a joke, Senator James Inhofe (Republican from Oklahome) was, in fact, serious, when he did and said this:


He's smiling, yes - the smile of an asshole who thinks he just won a debate but doesn't realize his entire side just facepalmed themselves so hard it sounded like the world's biggest self-inflicted slap in the face, which is probably how Oklahoma people feel right now about having elected him. Congratulations, hicks: if you want people to start taking you seriously, select representatives that don't make you all seem like white trash invited to a frat party.

Family Feud Funny

I think this clip speaks for itself. That lady looks like she'd be a fun guest at parties.

Love And Monster Trucks

And banging each other's cousins.

Oh, and public drunkenness and terrible reporting.



Poor lady. The reporter should have let her go the minute he realized she was in no condition to be interviewed, and instead delved deeper into personal questions when he saw that her being drunk led to her being open and honest. And now the whole world will know her story.

I'm tagging this with ''stupidity'', but on the journalist's part, not the woman he's laughing at and putting down.

Funniest And Most Honest Video This Week

Once more, courtesy of Cassetteboy, this time with a remix of BBC News footage:



Prime Minister David Cameron once again made the cut.

Funniest And Most Honest Video Of The Week

Courtesy of Cassetteboy:



Ironic that it comes right after Prime Minister David Cameron (the subject of the video) made video parodies legal and protected speech...

Free Fappy

With so much fake news around nowadays, and with real news sometimes less believable than any fiction possibly could be, it's increasingly hard to tell which is which. If anything, though, we can praise this piece for either being an unreal piece of double-dipped irony or a well-executed, multiple-tiered work of fiction...

It's a great and hilarious story when told via this post about Arizona Governor Jan Brewer granting a pardon... but I'd rather start chronologically instead. Just because.

So, for starters, there appears to be a Christian anti-masturbation group called Stop Masturbation Now (the website's humour-meets-racism tone should cue us in about this being fiction, but 'Murca bein' 'Murca, you never know). You may laugh at there being such a thing, which is said to be ''federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.''

Secondly, Stop Masturbation Now apparently has a mascot, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Hes, Fappy, as in ''fap fap fap'', the noise the internet says it makes when you self-indulge. Or, as Fappy puts it:

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell - See more at: http://nationalreport.net/fappy-the-dolphin-arrested-for-public-masturbation/#sthash.KAAkxYWM.dpuf

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell.

Or so he was screaming... when he was arrested for jerking off in public. (Irony #1)

He didn't mind going to jail, though, because:

I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love and miss you all. You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.

That's kind of where they lost me, but at least I still found more humour along the way, such as this quote from Lonnie Childs, his boss at Stop Masturbation Now:

Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things. (...) He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. (...) I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!

Of course your tax dollars would go to a religious organization whose main point of contact with kids would, uh, well, make physical contact with kids! That's never led to any trouble - ever!

And so, as a double-dose of irony, comes the story about the Governor's pardon, in a state that rarely gives any. And her comments on the case:

I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision. We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Paul Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.

Again, in a country where Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann can get elected, perhaps some people and elected official really think masturbation is dangerous, and we should really ''think about the kids''...

Also, Horner? Really? And here's what Mr. Horner had to say upon his being pardoned:

This makes Fappy® very happy. To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.

Yes, THE NEXT TIME.

Stay tuned for the sequel!

Happy 4th Of July

The Chris Burns Fire Story

In the Montréal indie scene, few stories compare to the time where Chris Burns' place went up in flames. It had everything all of our daily lives consisted of: shitty building ran by a slumlord, not being able to afford insurance, a whole scene banding together to (temporarily) help cope with a crappy situation, from indie newspapers like The Mirror promoting a benefit show, to all the bands that wanted to take part in it, to everyone who showed up, and to everyone who gave perhaps not money but time and/or goods to help Chris and his girlfriend Isabelle get back on their feet.

Chris' story resonated deeply with me, because I lost all of my shit myself once, in a flood after the thawing of the 1998 Ice Storm - I had pretty much the last remaining pictures of deceased family members, hundreds of rare arts books and first editions of classics, four guitars (I managed to save one) and two amps (ditto), and the usual stuff like furniture and electronics.

It took me years to get back to the level of comfort I'd been accustomed to - though on the bright side probably enabled me to rely less on my possessions and afforded me the emptiness I required to spend a bit longer than a year going back and forth between Montréal and NYC.

But back to ''Crispy'' Burns. Here's the video from the benefit show that was held on his behalf, complete with his recounting the fire saga in the middle of a rendition of The Talking Heads' Burning Down The House...

Juggaling For Money

I cannot believe that Cypress Hill and La Coka Nostra are participating in the Gathering Of The Juggalos this summer...



Like, seriously, maybe they're strapped for cash, but there are other ways...