Free Fappy

With so much fake news around nowadays, and with real news sometimes less believable than any fiction possibly could be, it's increasingly hard to tell which is which. If anything, though, we can praise this piece for either being an unreal piece of double-dipped irony or a well-executed, multiple-tiered work of fiction...

It's a great and hilarious story when told via this post about Arizona Governor Jan Brewer granting a pardon... but I'd rather start chronologically instead. Just because.

So, for starters, there appears to be a Christian anti-masturbation group called Stop Masturbation Now (the website's humour-meets-racism tone should cue us in about this being fiction, but 'Murca bein' 'Murca, you never know). You may laugh at there being such a thing, which is said to be ''federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.''

Secondly, Stop Masturbation Now apparently has a mascot, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Hes, Fappy, as in ''fap fap fap'', the noise the internet says it makes when you self-indulge. Or, as Fappy puts it:

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell - See more at: http://nationalreport.net/fappy-the-dolphin-arrested-for-public-masturbation/#sthash.KAAkxYWM.dpuf

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell.

Or so he was screaming... when he was arrested for jerking off in public. (Irony #1)

He didn't mind going to jail, though, because:

I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love and miss you all. You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.

That's kind of where they lost me, but at least I still found more humour along the way, such as this quote from Lonnie Childs, his boss at Stop Masturbation Now:

Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things. (...) He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. (...) I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!

Of course your tax dollars would go to a religious organization whose main point of contact with kids would, uh, well, make physical contact with kids! That's never led to any trouble - ever!

And so, as a double-dose of irony, comes the story about the Governor's pardon, in a state that rarely gives any. And her comments on the case:

I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision. We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Paul Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.

Again, in a country where Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann can get elected, perhaps some people and elected official really think masturbation is dangerous, and we should really ''think about the kids''...

Also, Horner? Really? And here's what Mr. Horner had to say upon his being pardoned:

This makes Fappy® very happy. To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.

Yes, THE NEXT TIME.

Stay tuned for the sequel!

Thanks, Jimmy Kimmel

At first I was going to edit last week's post and say it turned out to be a prank by Jimmy Kimmel and his staff...

Well, that's not entirely true. At first, I totally forgot I posted about it. Then I thought about editing it earlier this week, then I forgot about it again until I looked at my blog today - which I don't normally do.

I saw it, then actually thought about modifying it, and figured ''nah'', because I kind of already had:

For now, we assume Caitlin Heller is really the girl in the following video, and that she really put it up on YouTube for us all to laugh at:

(then the video)

But because these are the internets, and the series of tubes have fooled us before, we will assume at a 25% level that it could be her boyfriend (or ex), or roommate, or even an enemy who put it online; we'll know for sure in a year, when she has committed suicide - or not.

''She'' is quoted as saying:

I tried making a sexy twerk video for my boyfriend and things got a little too hot :)

WOW! Didn't expect all this attention. I'm fine. Just a little embarrassed!! THX!!

 So I saw it coming. Kinda. But not to this extent:



So instead of modifying the ''original'' post, I went and made a brand-new one instead. Two-for-none, basically.

Reality Catches Up To Fiction

Project X Haren. It's what they're calling the birthday party gone awry in the Netherlands (Holland) when one girl's party/Facebook event turned into a riot because that poor girl's so-called ''friends'' invited unwanted friends, who in turn did so again, until it went viral and people started making ads and posters and YouTube videos to get the largest amount of people to crash it.

Days later, they are still merely assessing the damage, and the girl is in hiding with her family. They may require the country's witness protection program to start their lives anew.

According to BBC News:

The party had been cancelled and police had issued an appeal to would-be revellers not to come to Haren but at least 3,000 turned up anyway.

Many of them wearing Project X (based on a recent American movie) garb:

On days like this, I kind of envy my grandparents' generation, who still have no idea what the internet is.

Dumbest Prank Of The Week

Could be considered funny, but it's fecal matter - shit! - that's being poured on people, including babies. It's just wrong! And unsanitary.

Sports Prank Of The Day (Week? Month? Year?)

How do you mess with a New Jersey Devils fan who happened to be on vacation when they lost the Stanley Cup to the Los Angeles Kings?

Turn his cubicle into a Kings' shrine, of course!

(I'd totally work in that cubicle!)