How Marketing Consultants Get Fired

Shell, the international oil-guzzling money-making corporation and polluter, had a flash of genius: ''let's ask people on the internet to provide us with slogans because the ad agencies we use overcharge and, well, come up with crap''.

How could that go wrong?

The internet can't be that full of trolls, tech-savvy teens, protesters and 99%-ers, can it?

Guess again. The site is here, and they're doing their best to remove unwanted content as it comes, but too many are coming in and a few are still up.

I downloaded a few of my favourite ones, although some were taken away:

Hard to believe someone isn't going to lose their job(s) over this. Then again, it's not like a whole bunch of peoples' opinions on the subject will change: those against Shell won't become more against them, and those ''for'' excessive drilling haven't been moved the other way by the ecological disasters so far. And economists like the money that comes out of buying and selling petroleum, as do politicians, who get paid by the oil companies to watch an industry that was ethical enough 100 years ago kill off dozens of animal species and start wars all over the planet...

Weird Facts About Men

From the Serial Mistress blog:

• Nearly 70% of men make the first move in relationships
• Only 6% of cheating men would tell their mates about their infidelity
• 41% of men think a pashmina is a curry
• 51% of men find it hard to talk about their feelings
• 5% of men have sex at least once a day. Lucky devils
• Men find hourglass figures most attractive
• 21% of men think they are unlikely to meet a girlfriend speed dating
• 12% of men have slept with a mate's ex and hidden it from them
• 32% of men find most of the texts they receive from girls confusing
• 27% of men hide their sweets from their family and friends
• One in five men still fantasise about an ex
• 89% of men would prefer to have a serious relationship with a girl who had natural-looking blonde hair than a platinum blonde
• Men spend more money than women when trying to get over a break-up. Who knew?
• It takes men in relationships an average of 10 months before they give up trying to keep slim for their girlfriends
• 73% of men would rather go for a curry with their mates than a romantic meal with their partner
• 20% of men lack self-confidence in the bedroom
• Men spend an average of £932 on their fiancees engagement ring
• 18% of men have decided not to go on a date with someone after Googling them
• 35% of men moan about their partner at least once a week
• 9% of men are more attracted to a woman who is in control of her finances
• Men who support Manchester United are more likely to cheat than other fans
• 85% of men would hate it if their girlfriend weighed more than them
• 16% of single men share their bed with a pet - cute!
• 39% of men have tried role play during sex
• Red is the most popular colour of lingerie men buy for their partner
• 63% of men claim a lack of energy ruins their sex life
• 8% of men say they've never been in love
• 27% of men have been dumped by text
• 1 in 10 men have been dumped due to their bad timekeeping
• Men who have good sex lives live longer
• 56% of men would like to take flowers on a first date, but don't in case they look silly
• 22% of men find predictable sex the top passion killer
• 21% of men would consider leaving their partner if they came into money
• Men get turned on by the smell of a roast dinner
• Men say they are most likely to cheat on a night out with the lads
• Men who believe in love at first sight are three times more likely to cheat
• 47% of men would like to last longer in bed
• One in five men have made a sex tape with their girlfriend
• 15% of men say they've used a cock ring
• 79% of men don't care what they will look like in the future
• 13% of men admit to having a pet name for their penis
• Men are more likely to cheat if they went to private school
• 12% of men still suck their thumb
• Men tell an average of three lies a day
• One third of men wait until the fifth date before they sleep with a girl
• 46% of men have sent a cheeky picture of themselves to someone other than their girlfriend/wife
• 29% of men have been put off sleeping with a girl because her underwear was ugly
• One in 20 men bought themselves a thong in the last year
• 21% of men have shown naked snaps of their girlfriend to their mates
• On average, men regret four of their sexual partners
• 30% of men prefer doggy style to missionary position
• One in 10 men have had unprotected sex as they were too shy to buy condoms

Now, statistics are statistics, and are to be taken lightly: not everybody tells the truth, and sample size can always be an issue. Also, these are from Great Britain, a completely foreign culture from North America.

My conclusion? I'm not like many men. So much for the old saying that we're all alike.

Wrap My Banana

As you can see in the above picture, no, it wasn't a euphemism for ''put a condom on my penis''. But nice try. At least that would have been smart.

Intelligence is not what prompted fruit company Del Monte to one-up Nature and add an extra layer of ''protection'' over bananas - this time in plastic. No, it was pure greed. They plan on selling these in gas stations and corner/convenience stores, thus not only extending the marketplace for their product, but also quadrupling its price tag.

My favourite quote of the article is the one that closes it:

‘It is a great product and consumer feedback shows a marked taste benefit too.’

The consumer has finally won - and by this I don't mean ''they'll finally get the product they want'', not by any stretch of the imagination. No, in this age of Big Business and Big Advertising running (ruining?) our lives, in a world where market research is so prevalent and common it has actually saturated its own market, People are standing up and telling these companies ''really? This is your New Idea? Yes, please, by all means, kill yourself with it.''

They did it with the music industry by not purchasing what the major labels (now reduced to 3, soon 2 conglomerates), they did it with the film industry by not attending theaters anymore, they did it to television advertisers by using TiVos, and to network TV in general by supporting cable networks and their original programming - and they're doing it now with the food companies, telling them to choke on their own, inevitable leftovers.

Now, they hope to do it to bankers, politicians and car salesmen next.

And The Survey Says...

The world of market research and I have a long history together... it may have gone - I won't say sour, maybe... stale... but it definitely started off on the right foot.

It was probably 1994, I was 15... a girl called my parents' place, where I was still living at the time, to conduct a survey. I took the bait and spent the next 15 minutes or so on the phone, then proceeded to ask her questions: her name, age, where she worked - and if I could go meet up with her afterwards. She wasn't allowed to answer those questions, but I can be persuasive, and she did. And we did meet up, seeing as she worked at Alexis-Nihon, at the corner of Atwater and Ste-Catherine, a 20-minute walk or 10-minute bus ride from my place.

We went for a drink, exchanged phone numbers and called each other for a week; come Friday, she and a half-dozen of her friends gathered at O'Toole's (now another sports-themed pub) at the corner of St-André and De Maisonneuve. For some reason, later that night, continuing the party at one of her friends' place, more privately, the subject of sex and size arose, and it was determined that she would not be able to handle a package like mine, especially since, and I quote, ''even a couple of fingers'' could bring her pain.

A few more phone calls followed, for maybe a week or two, during which she told me she had heart problems and would be going for surgery, after which time we could meet up again. We never did. She never called me back, and didn't pick up when I did.

Fast-forward to the end of 1999, back from New York, trying to juggle finishing my second CÉGEP degree and going to Concordia for my first film B.A., money was scarce. After trying to lure me for months, my terrific friend Alexandre B-D convinced me to join him into conducting surveys on the phone for a place called Createc +.

The first project I worked on - I shit you not - was for Linda Lingerie and, lo and behold, my very first call was a completed survey, with a woman who, when I asked her for her age (it was part of the questionnaire...) said: ''45 to 54, how about you?'' - I was 19 at that point. She asked where I was calling from - Montréal - and she told me she was a flight attendant (yes, a stewardess) and that she came to my City pretty often, and asked if we could hook up.

So my first two experiences with the 'survey life' were two 'successful' attempts at hooking up; it was a gold mine of pussy waiting to be excavated.

Ten more years of market research, however, has not yielded a single other such case, but at least the freaks who work there are fine, fun people.