Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones

a.k.a. WHAT'S IN A NAME?

I grew up in the 1980s, and entered my teens as they turned into the 1990s. I knew old-school parenting: I remember not fastening my seat belt on the backseat and sleeping on that weird place separating it from the trunk. I remember reciting the ABCs in kindergarten (or was that pre-school?), and moving on to ''sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'' in elementary school.

And when I was 11, a Chinese student stood up in front of a tank in Tiananmen Square and suddenly, even broken bones didn't seem so bad.

Oh how we get soft fast.

Political correctness grew like cancer and poisoned our society to levels unimaginable in 1988 when it was still a joke. Don't get me wrong: I am fully aware that not all humans are treated equally in any given country, let alone from one to the next, that racism is still both institutionalized and prevalent even in the Land Of The Free, and, within the borders I myself inhabit (notice I'm not using the word ''country''...) gender equality - which used to be a given and what was believed to be the basis of our society to some extent, and my father will argue that it led to the ''womanization'' (read: super-sensibility) of the masses, though I fully, entirely and completely disagree - is under attack at both the federal and provincial levels, so pretty much everywhere. So, yes, I realize there is plenty of reason out there for outrage, anger, fighting (for your rights), heated debates, compromise, rebuilding and evolving.

But there shouldn't be so much room for victimization.

Particularly, we have to stop being offended by words and pictures. And not just those of the Prophet, by the way. I'll get to pictures later, because the real reason I'm writing this post today is a post on Louder Than War on Monday talking about ''censorship'' and shitty band names.

This month's culprit of bad taste is Viet Cong, but a few years ago in my own town there was Rape Faction, and the 1980s saw Joy Division (a Nazi reference), New Order and Dead Kennedys get questioned for their wit (or lack thereof).

Just to ''clear the air'' (though it won't): Nazis were bad people, rape is the worst or second-worst thing you can do to a human, totalitarian states are not fun, and murdering political figures (and normal humans) is questionable at the very least.

But not only was there always offensive shit in music (Did you know all of Mozart's piece titles were actually scatological references? What kind of backlash do you think Robert Johnson got for having made a deal with the Devil so he could play guitar well enough to steal everybody's else's wife as he so clearly states in over half his songs? Remember how Murder Was The Case they gave Snoop Doggy Dogg, who was on trial for murder a year later? How many heavy metal acts were accused of inspiring suicides? Don't get me started with Marilyn Manson, perhaps the smartest but also least dangerous figure of pretend-satanism...), but a lot of it is (gasp!)... on purpose!

When I was in New York (1998-99), there was a band who named themselves Gay Dad. It was mostly funny, but some got outraged, usually super-conservative types; nowadays, that would probably also offend the LGBT community, even though the band itself had no issue with any cause they might have.

There's a part in the article I linked to above where Viet Cong talk about receiving tons of complaint letters, including one from someone whose grandparents were killed by the army known as the Viet Cong (1959-1975). I want to say two things:

1. The band may have done your grandparents a favor by being such insensitive pricks, because as of yesterday morning, I had no idea they (your ancestors) had even existed, and now they have entered my brain as people who have suffered at the VC's hand.

2. The fact that the band stupidly went ahead and called themselves that has the added benefit of people - particularly kids who are 14-29 at the moment and have no fucking education to speak of - now looking it up and finding out more about Human History. And, believe it or not, that's good.

That's not to say the band get off scot-free: they were ignorant when they went ahead and called themselves that (they really had no clue and just thought it sounded cool), and they're assholes for continuing to go with it now that they know who they were, and choosing not to use it as a tool to educate people on the history I just touched upon.

I repeat: they're free to be stupid and call themselves that, but you're free to call them out as assholes.

Can we not go back to just calling out the assholes instead of being afraid of their band's name? As long as they don't use your fucking name to discredit it (people I know were in a band called the Bill Cosby Anarchist Society of America, that's debatable even in spite of what he's not-quite-yet-officially-accused of), I don't give a fuck if a band calls itself Dyke Nigger Nazi Inbreds Of French Decent (''Maroon 5'' for short), it's their cross to bear and no one should cry over it, even if there was a concentration camp survivor from 1944 who marched on Selma in 1965 only to get shot in the Stonewall riots in 1970 (spoiler alert: there wasn't).

Censorship is always bad, anti-liberal, and undemocratic. Toronto band Fucked Up incited a re-write of an entire tour funding program on account that one person was offended by their name. That's, well, fucked up. Just don't go to the fucking show you fucking asshole, no need to ruin it for everyone else.

Everybody wants to be an abused minority, for some reason. And instead of uniting and going for a ''Let's All Be Equal'' platform - which they could obtain because, well, when combined, they'd easily be a majority - they each want their piece of the pie and stomp on others along the way if need be.

Women make up 52% of the world right now, and in Québec universities, at least 60% of any field (some up to 90%), meaning as soon as the old men retire and/or die, they'll be the only ones even remotely qualified to be in charge - of everything.

I'll put myself in with ''the poor'', though I'm more of the ''working poor'' variety, but as a whole, we've metaphorically called ourselves the 99%; those of us in Canada who make less than $20K per year are probably not nearly that many, because the ''99%'' includes the middle class, but we do have decent numbers.

It's been generally accepted that 10% of the population is gay. That's a decent chunk. There's a stereotype that they have money, too, that could help their cause even more.

French-speaking Quebecers make up 85-90% of their territory, but less than a quarter of Canada's population. They're a super-minority on the continent, a minority in their guest country, and a majority in their annexed land - they're an anomaly, a fun one to look into if you're a history buff - I suggest you start with the writings of Howard Zinn if you're interested.

''Blacks'' (as Donald Trump likes to call them) represented roughly 15% of the U.S. when I was growing up, I think we're around 25% now, but if the United States want to play World Police, then should Black folks of the world combine, their numbers would rival China's - and their anger and right to protest might be unparalleled.

Aboriginals are actually the minorit-est of minorities, considering they are but a fraction of the numbers they once were and are consistently not provided for nor given the means to prosper, save for the corrupt few who are in charge and steal the rest of their tribe's cash - the way the rest of North America works.

And the list goes on. This isn't meant as a sociocultural essay as much as a means to vent against those who cry wolf instead of standing up and making a meaningful change - for all, not just their own special-interest group.

And that's a point that encompasses something else that caught my attention this week, where clothing line company H&M created a host of fake metal bands to pretend to have a full roster of acts for its Heavy & Metal (get it?) line, complete with fake band websites, and fake songs.

So complete, in fact, that they tied two of those bands to the NSBM scene. Yes, fake white supremacist bands. So they can sell their t-shirts and patches:

That's taking trolling to some new extremes...

A lot of my circle of friends were deeply offended by the whole idea. I'm torn between 25% of me finding it funny in an adolescent way, and 75% finding it the dumbest thing I've heard all week, but ''offended''? Nah. That black model in the picture looks angrier to have the world's worst agent than he is of wearing those patches (granted, none of them feature a swastika or anything), and I choose not to get offended by words, pictures, or stupidity.

I'm amazed by how idiotic of a species Mankind is, yes, most of the time. I wish we could repair our societies, our systems, or take a minute to create a new one. Yes. Of course. But there isn't much you can throw at me that'll ruin my day.

My ancestors were killed by the British, trying to protect their language, culture and identity - probably less than 100 yards of where I live right now, but here I am writing in English.

My sister died of cancer, and yet I watched X-Files and hated Cancer Man because he was evil, not because he chain-smoked.

Friends have died in street violence, and I've been a victim of sexual abuse - and yet I listen to 2Pac telling me he'll rape Notorious B.I.G.'s wife, then murder him. And in Toss 'Em Up, he calls Dr. Dre a ''faggot'', and yet I don't skip it when my gay friends come over. And I feel pretty much the same way as Louis C.K. (see: Chewed Up) about the word ''nigger'', and I've been listening to Patti Smith's Rock And Roll Nigger a lot this week as well.

''Actions speak louder than words''. ''Words will never hurt me''. It's about fucking time we start living up to the shit we taught our kids for centuries. Starting with ''All men (sic) were created equal''. If we can make that change, then maybe we can stop being afraid of words.

Target's Crotchless Models

There are Photoshop Fails, and then there are utter fucking failures. Target's latest ad campaign falls into the latter category:

Does this look right?

Look closely...

They chopped her lady-parts off!

I doubt they were taking a stance against the hyper-sexualization of women in media and advertizing, which means they just went way-overboard on the chopping. Oh, while over-extending to mutant-like disproportions other parts:

In the picture just above (also weirdly cropped at the crotch) and the first two from the top, her left arm goes almost to her knees.

Like, why? Ok, the fashionable ''thigh gap'' (that most people find disgusting, by the way) thing, maybe. But the arm? And was her vagina bulging so much that it made her thighs stick together?

So many questions, none of which I want answers to. But fuck Target, at least.

Fonts And Nonsense

I came across this article about a Pepsi ad about a month ago, but time hasn't really been on my side of late, so I delayed posting about it until now. Which is silly, really, because there isn't really much to say, because seeing is believing and forming your own opinion:

If it looks to you like it says ''PEPSI X RAPE'', that's because it almost does, as the article states:

Pepsi is quickly learning this lesson after partnering with Japanese clothier A Bathing Ape.

Nothing suspicious there; collaborations happen all the time.

But to promote the brand’s AAPE line, Pepsi chose a font that might skew the meaning a bit for the casual passerby.

I'm not one to be easily offended - if at all; as a matter of fact, I'm usually the first one to promote offensive stuff, because I find North Americans hypocritial about being über politically correct in their speech and yet borderline psychotic in their actions and beliefs (particularly the right-wing, pro-life, pro-death penalty, ''don't touch my guns/don't tread on me'', vaguely-to-extremely racist and violent in their tone with everyone who disagrees with them folks).

But that's precisely why I would avoid, as a marketing professional, the use of a font which involuntarily - I hope - associates a household name in the beverage industry with one of the worst crimes one could commit, probably on par with murder: the rise of violence in our public discourse in the Age Of The Internets has brought forth a very loud consortium of voices calling for and promoting violence against women; sure, a lot of them are just trolling, but in a world where public shootings occur more than once a week, the creeps are no longer afraid to come out of the woodwork and seem to be encouraged by a certain public spotlight to try to one-up their brethren.

We don't need to further encourage them via that large a brand-name recognition. I probably wouldn't have minded if it was a brand I truly despised, or a start-up that I could associate with rapists, psychopaths and other dudebros from the start; free speech does mean one (or one brand) can choose its target audience, just like Barilla decided they didn't need the gay clientele, or Denny's didn't need black customers. But the second-largest soft drink company in the world probably should have been more careful...

Marketing 102

Marketing 101 is easy: come up with an idea that will get people talking and, hopefully, get some people to try and like your stuff.

Marketing 102 strives to take that to the next level: by getting people to talk about your thing / idea, without actually talking about it, thus bringing in a larger crowd who couldn't care less about what you're selling but who, by talking about it to enough people, will expand your reach to potential clients well outside of your usual circle.

Case in point, Where Magazine, published in countless cities/counties around the world:

By strategically placing a woman - yes, it had to be a woman - on top of the first ''e'', you make your magazine look like it's called ''Whore'', which will, as Will Ferrell would put it, ''gets the people going'' in addition to being ''provocative''.

It has to feature women because by doing so, you get their consent by default and can use tired stereotypes that stopped working in the 1990s to ''keep them in their place as a subdued minority'' when they, in fact, outnumber men both in population and now, in the workplace in jobs that require higher education. They haven't quite reached equal pay yet in many markets, but that's just one more fight to help them forget they outnumber men anyhow.

Also, if a cover like this - devoid of highly sexualized imagery and offensive visuals - can still anger a few nutjobs just with the placement of a head over half a letter and get media coverage, that's an added bonus.

Much ado, meet nothing. Nothing worth the internet sensation it will soon become, nothing that will solve the real issues (equality), even if the rags stop being so obvious about their participation in the generalized conspiracy to keep women and minorities ''in their rightful place''.

How Marketing Consultants Get Fired

Shell, the international oil-guzzling money-making corporation and polluter, had a flash of genius: ''let's ask people on the internet to provide us with slogans because the ad agencies we use overcharge and, well, come up with crap''.

How could that go wrong?

The internet can't be that full of trolls, tech-savvy teens, protesters and 99%-ers, can it?

Guess again. The site is here, and they're doing their best to remove unwanted content as it comes, but too many are coming in and a few are still up.

I downloaded a few of my favourite ones, although some were taken away:

Hard to believe someone isn't going to lose their job(s) over this. Then again, it's not like a whole bunch of peoples' opinions on the subject will change: those against Shell won't become more against them, and those ''for'' excessive drilling haven't been moved the other way by the ecological disasters so far. And economists like the money that comes out of buying and selling petroleum, as do politicians, who get paid by the oil companies to watch an industry that was ethical enough 100 years ago kill off dozens of animal species and start wars all over the planet...

Think Disney Will Stop Making Bad Movies?

I don't.

Because their market researchers will likely blame the movie's name, the director will blame the lack of high-end acting talent, the screenwriters will blame the director and no one will admit to having spent $250M on a shitty movie, a re-hashed Gladiator with bits of Ghosts Of Mars incorporated into it.

But John Carter is, officially, the biggest flop of the year. Maybe the biggest in years. It lost $150M by itself, and brought the whole Disney empire in the red by $80M for this quarter.

But that won't make Disney re-evaluate its position in the field, nor how it spends its money, nor the types of movies it funds, when it easily could take the opportunity to look into funding low-cost, high-gain indie films, which can be filmed for anywhere from $5-10M and with DVD sales alone are guaranteed to re-coup, making dozens of people from all film jobs work, rather than one of each.

Wrap My Banana

As you can see in the above picture, no, it wasn't a euphemism for ''put a condom on my penis''. But nice try. At least that would have been smart.

Intelligence is not what prompted fruit company Del Monte to one-up Nature and add an extra layer of ''protection'' over bananas - this time in plastic. No, it was pure greed. They plan on selling these in gas stations and corner/convenience stores, thus not only extending the marketplace for their product, but also quadrupling its price tag.

My favourite quote of the article is the one that closes it:

‘It is a great product and consumer feedback shows a marked taste benefit too.’

The consumer has finally won - and by this I don't mean ''they'll finally get the product they want'', not by any stretch of the imagination. No, in this age of Big Business and Big Advertising running (ruining?) our lives, in a world where market research is so prevalent and common it has actually saturated its own market, People are standing up and telling these companies ''really? This is your New Idea? Yes, please, by all means, kill yourself with it.''

They did it with the music industry by not purchasing what the major labels (now reduced to 3, soon 2 conglomerates), they did it with the film industry by not attending theaters anymore, they did it to television advertisers by using TiVos, and to network TV in general by supporting cable networks and their original programming - and they're doing it now with the food companies, telling them to choke on their own, inevitable leftovers.

Now, they hope to do it to bankers, politicians and car salesmen next.

The Guardian Project

Leave it to the NHL to have a perfectly good product and no idea how to market it, then do everything wrong in the process - from crappy slogans (''The coolest game on ice!'') to expansion in no-win markets to centering all ads and marketing towards Sidney Crosby, the third, fourth or tenth best player in the league, depending on who you ask.

This time, they've taken a lame idea the NFL refused to partake in and cheesed it up even more. The idea? To have a brand-new superhero comics project (in an age where comic readers are veering away from superhero stories) involving ''new'' heroes from each town that has an NHL city, each hero bearing the team's colours and name of team as character name, for example The Penguin in the city where the Pittsburgh Penguins play.

If it was just that, it'd be bad enough.

Unfortunately for all involved, the NHL got the brilliant idea of getting Stan Lee on board - the creator of Spider-Man, the X-Men, Hulk, and nothing new or original since the 1970s. Even his old stuff are pretty much copies of one another: all the good guys having first and last names that start with the same letter, an event that gives them superpowers, and a Life Lesson as obvious as the sun to teach him that ''with great powers come great responsibilities''.

This time around, ol' Stan decided to use Wikipedia to find stuff out about each city and incorporate that into the character (There are French people in Montréal? Really? Let's have The Canadien speak some of it at the end of every third sentence, and let's not bother to check for spelling) and, cheesiest of all, each hero sports an NHL belt and their hometown team's logo on their chest. Yes, I know, the days of a superhero with a logo on his chest have been over since Batman (created in 1939), Superman (created in 1932, first appeared in 1938), Captain America (1941) and The Punisher (1974).

And that's just the beginning. Before any one hero was released. As they were, many comic book fans realized very few of these new superheroes were, indeed, new; they were all rehashes of something that already exists (The Canadien is nothing more than Iron Man with Cobra Commander's helmet) or just plain copies (The Panther is exactly like Marvel Comics' Black Panther, Marvel being the company Stan The Man is CEO of... this website breaks it down very well.

They keep saying hockey fans are ''purists'' who don't like change; this time, they've added that not only do these have nothing to do with hockey, but adults aren't the target audience, ''boys and girls, aged 9 to 14'' are... except none of the heroes appear to be girls, for one, and two, why wouldn't those kids be better off with the actual heroes (Wolverine, Batman, Iron Man, Thing)? And are we trying to make our kids retarded by giving them Stan Lee-type storylines?

I sincerely hope everyone involved loses all their money in this stupid project. If the comics company can go bankrupt and it can reflect on Gary Bettman at the same time, it will have been for the best. Can you believe Bettman, just a few years ago, had Todd McFarlane as part-owner of the Edmonton Oilers... uh, hello? Comics, as an art form, has evolved a lot since the 40s (Stan Lee's time), 60s (Robert Crumb's time), and even 90s (McFarlane's time). One of those three is deceased, one remains relevant today, and the other is a relic that only Kevin Smith still pays attention to - and even that is clearly just out of respect.

To be fair, here is the link to the people in charge of the Guardian Project defending their idea and where it's headed, albeit very poorly.