Today's Sign Of Our Civilization's Decadence

It has come to this. Millions of years of evolution, thousands of years of recorded human history, 400 years of white folks living in what is now called Canada, and now, in 2012...

I just can't believe it. I thought this was the pinnacle of 2000s-vomit-inducing-Canadiana...

But no...

Avril Lavigne and Nickleback's Chad Kroeger are engaged. To be married.

Think of the children - theirs!

It's the second time Lavigne marries one of her songwriters - watch out Linda Perry!

Kroeger was never married himself, but is still in divorce proceedings with his previous common-law partner who, it should be noted, for having the strength and courage to probably have had sex with him, deserves to get his private jet and Mexican holiday home in the split.

Not many people were aware - or even cared - that they were dating, so pictures like this one flew completely off the radar:

Fittingly, he's wearing a douchebag-style motif t-shirt and she looks like a nobody. Or Nicole Kidman's mouse-child.

I could go on for days, but I need my beauty sleep.

The Best Of Canada In 1 Photo-Op

The only words that come to mind are words describing how baffled I am that such an event even took place. You read about stuff like this, about the merging of two black holes, how it's supposed to mean ''the end of times'', and I do realize we're in 2012 and whatnot, but shit, man.

I think this picture caused the Acapulco earthquake.

The leader of watered-down rock meeting with the leader of watered-down George W. Bush politics; grunge lite meeting what made people cynical of politicians; a money-making puppet and a puppet for money-makers; Alberta's ''dirtiest'' and ''cleanest'' white men together, smiling of that true happiness only someone who has fucked over millions of people can ever know.

Bad Music Will Kill Your Mojo

I often post about how bad music is detrimental to society - more than any other art and, in the Western world, more than perhaps even politics and the environment. I even did so just a few days ago.

Indeed, to some extent Nickelback is as bad as a right-wing religious zealot, although they do seem to cancel each other out, as while the latter does its best to deter abortions, the former is a deterrent to making babies, as is proven in this study.

The poodle-haired frontman and his douchebag-looking cronies partners employees (see picture above) seem to strike a mighty chord on all fronts - love 'em or hate 'em, I guess.

Guess which side I'm on? I'd rather not get laid for a year than fuck one of their record-purchasing, concert-attending fans. I think.

Who else are people turned off by? Allow me to quote the article:

What other musicians and bands did the poll reveal are likely to make a potential amour shake, rattle and roll right out the door on the first date? In order of their horror-inducing power: Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, Coldplay, U2, Creed, Katy Perry, Lil Wayne and Britney Spears.

I totally agree with the first 4, and would put Creed above and beyond even Nickelback, but while I don't listen to the other 4 (U2, Perry, Wayne and Spears), I think putting them in here is a tad exaggerated.
I'd put Maroon 5 in there, for sure, way ahead of them, perhaps with Bush and Linkin Park.

Say 'No' To Nickelback

Ah, Nickleback.

The Canadian band led by poodle-haired and cowboy-legged frontman Chad Kroeger, which has had up to three Kroegers at once in the band, which Billboard claimed was the band of the 00s for album sales over 50 million - 10 million more than U2, its runner-up - is universally hated more than it is loved. That is a fact, albeit one known only to those who pay attention - and people with ears.

I understand how money-hungry companies might think having a 50 million record-selling band play at their half-time might seem like a good idea - we're talking U2 numbers, Madonna numbers, Metallica numbers, Mariah Carey numbers. Huge fucking numbers.

But none of the afore-mentioned acts have as many haters as the poorly-named Alberta bland band who sound like they combined the worst elements of Metallica and Soundgarden and turned it into an over-compressed pile of dog shit fit for ads about cheap trucks (''Someday''), or old people homes (''How You Remind Me'').

Which brings me to this: after an open letter to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman begging to not have Nickelback play a show celebrating the return of the Winnipeg Jets, football fans have launched a petition to have the Detroit Lions rescind their invitation to have the band play their half-time show on Thanksgiving Day.

I hope they win.

Catch-22

If I had a nickel for every time a Nickelback song made me want to vomit, I'd have more money than... Nickelback. Just sayin'.