And The Survey Says...

The world of market research and I have a long history together... it may have gone - I won't say sour, maybe... stale... but it definitely started off on the right foot.

It was probably 1994, I was 15... a girl called my parents' place, where I was still living at the time, to conduct a survey. I took the bait and spent the next 15 minutes or so on the phone, then proceeded to ask her questions: her name, age, where she worked - and if I could go meet up with her afterwards. She wasn't allowed to answer those questions, but I can be persuasive, and she did. And we did meet up, seeing as she worked at Alexis-Nihon, at the corner of Atwater and Ste-Catherine, a 20-minute walk or 10-minute bus ride from my place.

We went for a drink, exchanged phone numbers and called each other for a week; come Friday, she and a half-dozen of her friends gathered at O'Toole's (now another sports-themed pub) at the corner of St-André and De Maisonneuve. For some reason, later that night, continuing the party at one of her friends' place, more privately, the subject of sex and size arose, and it was determined that she would not be able to handle a package like mine, especially since, and I quote, ''even a couple of fingers'' could bring her pain.

A few more phone calls followed, for maybe a week or two, during which she told me she had heart problems and would be going for surgery, after which time we could meet up again. We never did. She never called me back, and didn't pick up when I did.

Fast-forward to the end of 1999, back from New York, trying to juggle finishing my second CÉGEP degree and going to Concordia for my first film B.A., money was scarce. After trying to lure me for months, my terrific friend Alexandre B-D convinced me to join him into conducting surveys on the phone for a place called Createc +.

The first project I worked on - I shit you not - was for Linda Lingerie and, lo and behold, my very first call was a completed survey, with a woman who, when I asked her for her age (it was part of the questionnaire...) said: ''45 to 54, how about you?'' - I was 19 at that point. She asked where I was calling from - Montréal - and she told me she was a flight attendant (yes, a stewardess) and that she came to my City pretty often, and asked if we could hook up.

So my first two experiences with the 'survey life' were two 'successful' attempts at hooking up; it was a gold mine of pussy waiting to be excavated.

Ten more years of market research, however, has not yielded a single other such case, but at least the freaks who work there are fine, fun people.