10 Hours Of Puddi Puddi

Whether you have a toddler that you need to park in front of a screen before you turn crazy of you just want to go insane yourself, here's a good option:


At heart, contrary to what your brain may be telling you, Giga Pudding/Puddi Puddi is not a Japanese brand of pudding; it is, in fact, custard.

It is also the street name for a new drug that is making the rounds in American elementary schools, mixing pudding mix with such known downers as Nyquil, Advil and Vicodin, as well as anti-freeze and Drano. Cool enough to give you a soft buzz with a sweet taste, but in the wrong dosage, very deadly and/or able to cause permanent damage.

S it's no surprise places like 4Chan went nuts with in this winter and it became a meme.

Free Fappy

With so much fake news around nowadays, and with real news sometimes less believable than any fiction possibly could be, it's increasingly hard to tell which is which. If anything, though, we can praise this piece for either being an unreal piece of double-dipped irony or a well-executed, multiple-tiered work of fiction...

It's a great and hilarious story when told via this post about Arizona Governor Jan Brewer granting a pardon... but I'd rather start chronologically instead. Just because.

So, for starters, there appears to be a Christian anti-masturbation group called Stop Masturbation Now (the website's humour-meets-racism tone should cue us in about this being fiction, but 'Murca bein' 'Murca, you never know). You may laugh at there being such a thing, which is said to be ''federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.''

Secondly, Stop Masturbation Now apparently has a mascot, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Hes, Fappy, as in ''fap fap fap'', the noise the internet says it makes when you self-indulge. Or, as Fappy puts it:

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell - See more at: http://nationalreport.net/fappy-the-dolphin-arrested-for-public-masturbation/#sthash.KAAkxYWM.dpuf

They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell.

Or so he was screaming... when he was arrested for jerking off in public. (Irony #1)

He didn't mind going to jail, though, because:

I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love and miss you all. You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.

That's kind of where they lost me, but at least I still found more humour along the way, such as this quote from Lonnie Childs, his boss at Stop Masturbation Now:

Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things. (...) He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. (...) I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!

Of course your tax dollars would go to a religious organization whose main point of contact with kids would, uh, well, make physical contact with kids! That's never led to any trouble - ever!

And so, as a double-dose of irony, comes the story about the Governor's pardon, in a state that rarely gives any. And her comments on the case:

I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision. We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Paul Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.

Again, in a country where Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann can get elected, perhaps some people and elected official really think masturbation is dangerous, and we should really ''think about the kids''...

Also, Horner? Really? And here's what Mr. Horner had to say upon his being pardoned:

This makes Fappy® very happy. To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.

Yes, THE NEXT TIME.

Stay tuned for the sequel!

Cop Kills Kid, Part 75

''To serve and protect.'' A motto dating back to the black-and-white days of yore, Pleasantville-type Utopian pasts of ''the way things were'', where the most rampant crime was underage smoking or forgetting to pay for your sundae at the drive-in diner.

Then again, there were less laws to even break back then, as cars didn't even have seat belts.

''Law enforcement'' has sure come  along way since then.

Wikipedia describes their job thusly:

Law enforcement broadly refers to any system by which some members of society act in an organized manner to enforce the law by discovering and punishing persons who violate the rules and norms governing that society. Although the term may encompass entities such as courts and prisons, it is most frequently applied to those who directly engage in patrols or surveillance to dissuade and discover criminal activity, and those who investigate crimes and apprehend offenders.^[1] Furthermore, although law enforcement may be most concerned with the prevention and punishment of crimes, organizations exist to discourage a wide variety of non-criminal violations of rules and norms, effected through the imposition of less severe consequences.

But in the past 10 years or so, what is most commonly referred to as ''the police'' have resorted more to the ''force'' part of the word ''enforcement'', using military tactics, weapons, vehicles and excuses to become what many conspiracy theorists once warned we were headed towards: a police state.

From the mass brutal beatings of tens of thousands of kids who thought a tuition hike was too high, to repeatedly sodomizing people they arrest even when under media scrutiny (a fact that happens way too often in itself, but it seems New Mexico cops in particular now have developed a taste for it), to having a double-standard regarding aboriginal women in Canada, to selling information to organized crime, to killing innocent civilians - perhaps the saddest, disturbing, recurring situation of all.

It seems to go over people's heads when it's an alleged criminal receiving the bullet, and things are usually forgiving when it's the result of intermediary force - for example the result of getting tasered (and we're lucky that in instances where Tasers are used on 80-year-olds they aren't always fatal) - but there are clear instances where death should simply have never occurred under any circumstance, and today's example is the strongest in a long time: a man wanted to teach his son a lesson after taking his truck without authorization, so he did what anyone born prior to 1980 would do: he called the cops, thinking they'd bring the boy home, he'd have a scare, and he'd have learned his lesson and be good to get on with his life.

But that's not how cops work nowadays. They have a licence to kill and use it, they shoot first and ask questions never, they seem to no longer have to nor have the training for using submissive and/or non-lethal force first and whenever possible. And they no longer shoot to maim or stop - they shoot to kill, period. Sometimes even on clearly homeless folks, a story found everywhere from Santa Clara (aged 22) to Montréal (aged 40, also dead: a 36-year-old innocent bystander).

Tyler Comstock, though, was a bright 19-year-old kid  on his way to getting his GED.

Ames Police Officer Adam McPherson eventually fired six shots into the truck, two of which struck Tyler who was later pronounced dead.

The official report claims the action was necessary in order "to stop the ongoing threat to the public and the officers."

Tyler's dad says he was unarmed at the time.

The saddest and most common part of that story?

McPherson is currently on paid leave pending the results of his department's investigation.

Of course he is. His friends and co-workers are investigating him and the tactics he used, which are the exact same ones they use all the time. How in hell are they going to bring the whole thing down by saying he did anything wrong? And from that point on, how are any of those murderers with badges ever going to be tried in a court of law like the rest of us mere mortals or, rather, the target practice we seem to be to them.

And there is a kicker:

An unidentified person on the Ames police radio dispatch twice suggested that police back off their pursuit of a teen who allegedly stole a pickup truck from the work site he and his father were working at on Monday.

Sounds a lot like what George Zimmerman was told when he shot and killed an unarmed teen. I wonder how that turned out.

Worse Than An Actual Chemistry Playset?

Apparently some folks in the U.K. are going bonkers over a new line of toys by Citizen Brick (the actual Lego brand refused any involvement, so the Men With The Ideas went to a rip-off company instead) over a Breaking Bad-inspired line of toys dubbed SuperLab...

What's funny is that both sides are pissed off: the ''save our children'', religious/law-abiding (as if!) crowd are angry that a line of toys inspired by a TV series based on the making and selling of crystal meth that has so many underage views use such blunt dug paraphernalia throughout the playset; and those who'd let it be are mad that it sells for £160 ($250 US).

Here's what I think: if you're too dumb a parent to stop your fucking kids from watching a TV show that airs well past their bedtime and is based around the sale of one of the harshest drugs out there, you have no right to complain about the secondary market making a buck off of said show. There's a reason it's classified 18+ in most places (16+ in Québec): it deals with harsh shit, a lot of it illegal, most of it violent.

And if you're a collector willing to spend half your rent money on a line of toys, don't be surprised if an actual meth addict ends up stealing it from you at some point, either to resell it, or just to have memorabilia from the show that inspired them to start doing drugs in the first place.

I'm sure a chemistry play set like parents gave their kids 30 years ago mixed with some methylamine could do so much more damage anyhow.

And The Survey Says...

A study shows that ''making love'' is the activity humans find the most enjoyable and rewarding, ahead of drinking alcohol - far ahead of religion and caring for children.

Duh.

Things you can feel, that are found in nature, and that distract from the useless daily grind we have invented as a means to be in control of one another should always have priority over make-believe and duties, in terms of what you take from it in the immediate moment.

Having kids, teaching them about Life, nurturing them - that's a long-term commitment that only seldom reaps benefits, and more often than not in the long run, not right away.

Logic would have dictated that, but I guess some people weren't sure. That's what scientists do: they test out even the most obvious stuff to have what they call 'empirical evidence', even though that evidence is usually a result of testing a sample population and, technically, is merely a representation of what some might feel, not all.

What a waste of time, resources and money.

Oh, Look: Religious Fanatics

Or ''Today's Sign The Apocalypse Is Upon Us'', although I strongly doubt that...

A Kansas medical doctor is in trouble (i.e. on the verge of losing her license) for ''the “sin” of not forcing a mentally ill ten-year old to carry her uncle’s baby to term''. (Technically, she actually lost it.) Her uncle's rape baby.

That is just fucked, no matter what your opinion of ''pro choice/pro life'', or Law, or justice, or family.

I mean, shit: the kid has already been forced to endure what she went through, and now she'd have to be forced to carry, give birth to and (!!!) raise this reminder of rape and incest? As a ten-year old?

You know how The Right say situations degrade because we'd been too permissive for too long? Well, yeah: we've been too permissive of letting nutjobs ruin common sense on all levels of society for too long, for power abusers to protect other types of abusers and...

Ok, hold up. I may be going too far because this hits me where it hurts: child abuse, and human rights.

Right-wing nutjobs have a right to exist and to free speech.

But that should never come before a victim's rights, human rights, and the actual protection of children (not of the ''I don't like what's on TV'' type, the real one).

I feel like the human race has lost just by having to type this.

You know what, though? At least the kid did get the abortion. And hopefully another state will grant Dr. Ann Neuhaus her license and she can get back to doing what she does best (practice medicine) rather than getting her ass kicked in court. Fuck Kansas.

Drinking From The Cup

What do you do when you've won the Stanley Cup - the hardest trophy to win in all of sports?

You dress your kids up as Spider-Man and let them drink chocolate milk out of it, that's what!

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How I Used To Entertain Myself As A Child

(reposted from my collectibles blog at http://hellsvaluablecollectibles.blogspot.com/2010/03/peter-zezel-autographed-card.html)

I was always a fan of Peter Zezel. Well, not always, I didn't find out he even existed until the 1986-87 O-Pee-Chee set, but from the moment I saw his card, his name, his position, and his stats - I was fan. More so when I actually saw him play. I liked him so much that I'm willing to pretend he never played for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

What I used to do with hockey cards, in my parents' living room, in our apartment on the second floor of a duplex on Melrose between Terrebonne and Somerled, was take all my hockey cards, and hold drafts, separating all of my cards (from different years) and making new teams up, since most sets I had didn't have complete teams (say, all the Habs or all the Rangers).

I'd have favourites, of course, but I always tried to play it fair, letting the flow of the game - and the eccentricities of our carpeting - do their thing. ''My'' team, Les Nordiques de NDG, was always the one with Patrick Roy in nets, and was usually the only one who got the games where officiating was, shall we say, uneven. In the best of worlds, that Roy team would also have Al MacInnis on defense, but not always. But almost inevitably, it had Zezel at centre.

Each team would be comprised of 7 players (a goalie, three forwards, two defensemen, and a backup player in case of injury), and the puck was one that I took from my table hockey set. I kept full statistics of every game, that I wrote on endless sheets of loose leaf paper, then compile all the stats on other sheets, and actually hold 80-game seasons with full schedules that I'd pre-set by hand. And not just the easy stats like goals and assists, but also penalty minutes, powerplay goals (and assists), shorthanded goals (and assists), plus/minuses, empty-net goals, game-tying goals, game-winning goals, the first goal of a game, shots on goal, faceoffs taken and won, hat tricks... I was NHL 09 twenty years ahead of my time.

And many times, at season's end, he would be in the league top-5 for scoring, close to Wayne Gretzky, Peter Stastny, Mats Naslund, Brent Sutter and Brett Hull. He was even named League MVP a couple of times - yes, I even gave out all the awards, even the Rocket Richard trophy, 15 years before it even existed, known in my league as the Guy Lafleur trophy. Needless to say: Zezel was one of the very best players of the league that played out in my mind.

In real life, though he was a very good player, he was never quite as spectacular: four seasons with more than 20 goals, including one with 33, two seasons with 72 points (one with the Philadelphia Flyers and one with the St. Louis Blues), always among the league leaders in faceoffs won and reliable in his own end. All that, and a tendency to have as many penalty minutes as points. And two Stanley Cup finals as a Flyer, both lost to Gretzky's Oilers.

What I didn't know about Zezel (a Serbian name, originally, although he is a ''good Canadian boy'' from Toronto) was that he had hemolytic anemia, a rare blood disorder. It had messed with his health in 2001, and eventually claimed his life (after a spleen-removal surgery and subsequent brain hemorrhage) on May 26, 2009.

A few months ago, I saw a post on Sal's Autograph Blog, where he had purchased a Zezel-autographed card on Ebay, and mentions his small part in the Rob Lowe/Patrick Swayze film Youngblood (he even made fake hockey cards for his character in the movie, which you can find here). From then on, I was also on the lookout for a decently-priced Zezel card on Ebay.

I hoped it would be as the Flyers' #25, but I found this one instead: a 1990-91 Upper Deck (card #17). He appears as a Blues (even though the Blues sent him to the Washington Capitals in exchange for Geoff Courtnall in the off-season), but unlike Sal's card, which he signed in blue sharpie over a blue Blues jersey, mine was signed in black, which contrasts enough with his white uniform that the autograph seems clearer (and it looks sharp and great!), and the picture as well. And as Upper Deck was known to try to do at the time, the back picture features Zezel in the team's dark, away jersey. The best of both worlds.