History Lesson: Easter

Let's see if I get this right: today, we celebrate Jesus coming back as an egg-laying rabbit by eating chocolate.

Makes sense.

When God invented Mankind roughly 3000 years ago, he probably showed Adam and Steve Eve how to make chocolate in the first place - and not that cheap drugstore hollow-egg type either, probably the Swiss or Belgian melt-in-your-mouth goodness, and they, in turn, after being kicked out of Paradise City after eating an apple (the original Devil's Food!) and appearing as a burning bush to Moses to atone for it, taught the bearded man how to make it himself, so he could feed the Jews while they walked in the desert for 40 years (that's what happens when your GPS has Snoop's voice, you concentrate more on smoking weed than where you're going).

Fast-forward a few hundred years to Jesus being born, the child of a member of The Carpenters and a virgin, and Santa Claus is the doctor that birthed him - hence the red suit, it's the Blood Of Christ (actually the placenta, but back then they couldn't tell the difference). Then he pissed off the Italians by tossing Ceasar's Salad, and in the Gladiator Arena, Julius Ceasar rated it ''two thumbs down'' and Jesus was to be executed. He was sentenced to be nailed to a cross and to carry it himself to Auschwitz, where there were already two thieves who had stolen the best crosses.

To make sure no one would conduct an autopsy, Jesus' body was then put in a cave where a family of bears lived, and a large rock was put in front of the cave to prevent anyone from going in there to graffiti. Unbeknownst to everyone, Jesus was part-caterpillar, so he made himself a cocoon in the hopes of turning into an angel and flying home to God; unfortunately, his DNA muted with the bears', and he became the Easter Bunny instead, with superhuman strength to remove the rock from the cave's entrance. At this point, Jesus had no idea of the date, and went door to door asking people for candy and chocolate, thinking it was Halloween, and that's why every car dealership has amazing sales during Easter weekend.

Of course, I'm cutting corners here, it's pretty difficult to narrow down a thousand-page book into a few paragraphs, but the main plot lines remain unchanged.

Tune in tomorrow, when I reveal how Saint Peter, Jesus' best buddy, made it all the way to Italy 450 years later, only to be crucified there, upside-down, by order of the Pope, while Catholics roamed the sewers.