Small-Town Politits

In Alberta - of all fucking places, think Texas-North, where the Conservative Party gets most of their votes - there has been a slight mishap, a ''malfunction'' of sorts:

Yes indeed: the right-wing provincial party ordered a bus with a face painted on it - as many right-wing politicians love to ride, a bus to go to all the small towns and reach out to their fan base, the everyday Joes, gun-toting, liberty-loving, often discriminating, one-language-speaking homophobes xenophobes usually-Christian men and women.

Except this bus has wheels where the politician Danielle Smith's chest stops, giving her de facto boobs - and conservatives hate showing - or being shown - titties. Guns, murder - all fine at dinnertime, but tits on TV or in art: No way, Jose. And ''No way'' on the ''Jose'', too, please.

And for those wondering why there'd be a political party named the Wildrose Party, it's named after the province's official flower. It's the hellspawn result of a merger between its original members and the Alberta Alliance Party (remember the current Conservative Party also came from a merger between the Canadian Alliance and Progressive Conservatives) in an attempt to ''go back to the province's Conservative roots of minimizing taxes, spending, and government involvement in peoples' lives'', except for everything they want to ban, like abortions, gay marriage and the country's official bilingualism - and things they want to keep illegal, like marijuana, and having sex with 17-year olds (more on that one later).

As a matter of fact, their ''program'' of sorts consists of mainly 3 things:

• "Reducing by constitutional means the enormous net outflow of wealth from Albertans to the federal government"
• "Ensuring that provincial decisions better reflect the mainstream values and priorities of most Albertans"
• "Ensuring that the party's Leader and MLAs honour their election promises and commitments"

 ''Mainstream'', here, refers to white, Christian, above-the-poverty line, gun-having Canadian. ''Reducing the outflow of wealth'' means no longer helping the poor from other provinces, like the fisherman from the Atlantic provinces who only get to work 3 months a year and freeze the rest of the time, or Manitoban farmers who can barely make ends meet, and the lazy unemployed smoking French people rumoured to abound in Québec. You know, because the rest of the country never helped Alberta - and, thus, allow it to have the lowest tax rate in the whole country for a long while - before their dirty-fuel-derived economic boom of the past 15 years.

No, just implying such a thing is as lewd and immoral as a pair of breasts, be they implied or in real life.

To be fair, party leader Danielle Smith - who you may remember from the picture above before I digressed - is truly a compassionate conservative: pro-choice, libertarian, intelligent, well-spoken, and kind of hot.